My Breast Cancer Story and Moving on After Cancer

I didn't fall of the face of the earth!!!

2009-05-26T23:16:00.004-04:00

I didn't fall of the face of the earth I really didn't!! I have just been doing the same old stuff....babysitting, babysitting and more babysitting!! Little Jeffrey is getting so big. He is talking so good now and is the sweetest boy EVER!! He really has me wrapped around his finger.

So what's been going on other than babysitting?
I had my 3 month checkup with my oncologist. I have a "nodule" on my right breast.
I have to go June 5th for the usual workup. Mammogram, ultrasound, and breast MRI.
From there they will let me know if I have to have a biopsy. I guess I will never have a time in my life when I don't have to worry about breast cancer not creeping back up on me.

I just celebrated my 46th birthday. I had a nice day with my family. My daughter Megan bought new cushions for my patio set. Jeff and Bonnie gave me a gift card and I went and bought an anti gravity lawn chair. It's the best chair EVER!!
I am really going to enjoy it when we go camping in July. We are going to Ludington State Park for 2 weeks. We are buying a new camper as soon as we find one we really like. The one we have now is really old. I love it but it is just falling apart!

The weather is so nice! I have been working in the yard and planting flowers. I love this time of year. I have an ant problem on my patio though! I don't have the heart to kill them though...lol I have to get Jeff to put out the ant killer for me. I just can't!! Is that weird??

I joined a gym a couple months ago and it is really helping me get strong again.
I love working out there. My sister Sue joined too and we have so much fun together there. I'm getting in shape and actually losing some inches here and there. I have to say..working out does make me feel better. I hate working out at home so I had to join the gym just to keep me motivated.

This weekend is the Relay for Life. I am so excited and the weather is supposed to be nice. I hope the weather report doesn't change! Here is my Relay Page.
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY09GL?px=4408349&pg=personal&fr_id=14478

I have to get to bed! I'm going to work out in the morning and then we have to pick up the lemons for our lemonade stand we are having at the Relay.
Be back soon

Where has the time gone?

2009-04-10T11:14:00.002-04:00

I can't believe I haven't been on my blog in so long. The days go by so fast and I have been so busy.
So much has gone I on don't even know where to start.

My mom had a second surgery on her knee. She is doing ok but has been in a lot of
pain. She has therapy and the guy has been bending it 100%. I know she is just really bored with being stuck in the house. She is starting to get out more a little here and there though.

My computer crashed and I lost all my pictures!! I was a little upset but I'm over it now. Most of them were my vacations pictures. I saved a lot of the pictures of the baby and my kids stuff but I never got around to saving my folder and then CRASH!!! Oh well, life goes on..It's weird how you change after something like cancer...when things like my computer crashing happens it just doesn't feel like the end of the world anymore. lol

Megan went on Spring Break to Florida and I was a nervous wreck! I tracked her plane all the way there. I called her 10 times before she ever made it to the hotel room, then I realized.....ok I have to let her go and have a good time without me stalking her. I finally told her to call me when she wanted to talk, and she said..."no mom, please call me anytime you want." She would call me when she was laying on the beach in Daytona and tell my how beautiful it was and that she wants to take a trip with me. She has grown up so much. It makes me happy, but it makes me sad too.

I joined a gym! I go every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. The reason I joined was to get my strength back. I have lost about 25 pounds that I gained during my treatment. I'm about back to where I weighed when I was diagnosed. Now I just have to get some muscle tone back. So far I am loving the gym. I haven't been too sore..just a little and I don't dread going. Sue joined with me and we have such a good time together. They have a steam room, a dessert room, pool and whirlpool.
After working out it feels great to just go in there and hang out. I love it.

I am going to have to come here more often. I really miss it. It's just that when I was sick, this was my place to go to vent and let everyone know what was going on in my life. I miss everyone and I really have to go catch on some blogs. I hope everyone is doing good.

Well, I'm off to the show! I am taking my niece and nephew to see the Hannah Montana movie...(shh, I really want to go too!) I used to watch Hannah Montana marathons when I was sick. It would be the only thing on besides infomercials when I couldn't sleep. lol.

MIA

2009-02-06T15:44:00.004-05:00

I have been missing in action here for a while.
My mom is doing pretty good. She is on her third cast now. I think she is just really getting bored with being stuck in the house all the time. We have been going over to see her a lot. The other night we all went over and played poker. Wednesday I we over to have lunch with Mom, Pam, Sue and Megan. We played bingo and Pam even bought prizes. It was so fun. We are just trying to keep her busy because she is a little stir crazy. She will be getting the cast off soon and they will put a softer cast on that will help her gradually bend her knee. Then she has to go in and have the wire taken out that they put in when she had surgery. Her knee still looks awful. Sue took pictures of it when they did the cast change and she has 15 staples and it is still very swollen. I just can't believe she is going through this.

I have been on a diet for 3 weeks. So far I've lost 8 pounds! I just cut out all the junk food and snacking at night. I am in a weight loss challenge with some friends from my RNL website. Knowing that I have to weigh in every week helps keep me from falling off the wagon. lol. My friend told me today that 8 pounds is like 2 bags of sugar! I feel really good and I even had to pull out my old jeans because the others were falling off my butt.

I have been asked by the Relay for Life to participate in Faces of Celebration.
I am still learning about what this is but I know that my face will be on a banner
and I will represent "Celebrate". I also have to tell them my story and they will put it on the banner. Here's the kicker...I have to make a speech at a get together about my experience. OH NO!! It freaks me out a little but I think I can do it.
If they would have asked a year ago I don't think I could...I still had that lump in my throat when I talked about it. But I think I'm ready now. Ready to move on and help people.
I better get going and figure out what I'm going to say...

Mom's surgery.

2009-01-06T23:30:00.002-05:00

My mom had her surgery today and everything went good. They said that they will be getting her up tomorrow to move around a little. I couldn't be at the hospital today because last night around 9:00 my stomach started feeling weird. By 11:00 I had a full blown stomach virus. I was so sick and all I could think about was my mom's surgery and how I had to be there. Megan took great care of me, but I was so bad that I almost passed out. I was up every half hour until about 7:00 this morning running to the bathroom. It was not good. I finally remembered that I had some compazine left from when I was having chemotherapy. It helps with the upset stomach. I took that and went to bed all day. I am still feeling crappy but mostly tired.
I am just happy that my mom's surgery went good. I talked to her on the phone and she sounded good.
I am off to bed so I can rest up and see her tomorrow. My head is still really fuzzy.

Another update.

2009-01-05T21:42:00.003-05:00

The Orthopedic Surgeon came in and said he would be doing the surgery tomorrow.
He said it was an odd break so he will have to put a wire around it. He will also have to put some pins in. He also said the tendon will have to be repaired. He told my mom the worst part of the surgery will be 8 weeks in a cast from her thigh to her foot. She is doing better now because they are managing the pain. As long as she doesn't move it's ok but if they come in and try to move her leg she feels it.
I brushed against her foot and it really hurt her. I got the heebie geebies..lol.
Thanks for all your good thoughts and prayers. I appreciate it so much.

Update on my mom

2009-01-05T10:12:00.001-05:00

I just got a call from my mom and they are not doing the surgery today.
I am headed up there now to see what's going on.

Mom is having surgery.

2009-01-05T00:17:00.004-05:00

Just a quick entry to let everyone know that my mom stepped in a pothole in a parking lot coming out of Bingo! She broke her knee cap in two places and tore the tendon under her knee. She will be having surgery today. She is in a lot of pain but I think the pain meds are finally kicking in. When I got to the hospital and saw her knee I could not believe it. It looked like the size of a grapefruit! Please keep her in your prayers tomorrow. I know that the surgery should go well but I know that she is scared.
I will update when I get back from the hospital later today.

I had a nice Christmas.

2008-12-29T14:06:00.004-05:00

Here are some pictures of baby Jeffrey. I love the one of him looking at the tree!
I framed it for my mom and for Jeff's dad for Christmas.

I haven't been on in a long time. I have been so busy with Christmas and doing stuff on Ebay.
We had a wonderful Christmas and it was so much fun watching Jeffrey open his presents. He loves all his toys and hasn't stopped playing since Christmas.
I had a great day with my family. We went to Pam's to open presents with the family
and then had a wonderful dinner. I drank an Irish coffee that day and about a half bottle of wine. By the time I got to my in laws I was pretty much wasted...lol.
I had so much fun and got to catch up with everyone. It was a great day!

I had a little scare right before Christmas. I went for my three month check up and
I told the doctor that I have been getting muscle spasm and cramping in my chest
and rib cage. I also have some pain on the right side of my abdomen. He was as he
put it very concerned. When he said that it freaked me out. I was thinking, uhoh...
He sent me for a full body CAT scan, and a bone scan and thank god everything looked ok. I was honestly scared out of my mind. I keep thinking this stupid cancer is going to creep back up on me so I keep looking over my shoulder. I just want to look
ahead and try not to worry about it for a while.

I went to the store yesterday and picked up all of next years gift wrap for 75% off.
I bought 12 rolls of paper, about 6 packages of gift tags, and 8 gift bags all for $7.00. What a deal huh?

Right now I am looking at toys all over the living room and a happy little guy playing with a choo choo trian! I think I'll go play with him!!

Getting ready for Thanksgiving.

2008-11-26T01:19:00.005-05:00

I have some good news about my sister Sue. She had the MRI on her brain and the doctor called today and told her it is a benign cyst and that they will check it again in 6 months. Thank god! I was really scared that it was going to be something bad. Thanks for all the prayers for my sister.

I have been getting ready for Thanksgiving. I realized I forgot a few things so off to the store I went. It was a madhouse! People standing over the frozen turkey bin trying to figure out what size bird they wanted. There were a lot of men on cell phones with confused looks on their faces. The funniest thing I saw was two guys looking at spices with blank looks on their faces. One if the guys asked his friend what they were supposed to use on the turkey and he said he was looking it up on google. Who knew there would be a day you could google from your phone in the grocery store. I was going to step in and help but who knows better than google right? lol

Tomorrow will be a busy day. I am making cherry pie, pumpkin pie, carrot cake, and I am going to prepare all of the setup for Thanksgiving morning. I am looking forward to cooking for my family this year.

I am going shopping on Friday with my sisters my mom and Megan. We do it every year and we have a really good time. We will all meet at about 4:30 a.m. and keep going until about noon then we have lunch and go home and crash out! My sister sue made shirts for us this year. They are so cool. The front says Black Friday Mall Rat shop til you drop and the back says...If you can read this I beat you to the deals! I can see us all with our shirts on now. It is going to be funny. I never miss it even when I was going through chemo I dragged my sorry butt out the door and went. I can still remember writing in my journal about it. I was bald at the time and Jeffrey said he couldn't find me at the mall and it was like playing Where's Baldo...lol

Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and a great time with your families.
Save room for dessert!!!!!

Thank you Sugar for the beautiful Thanksgiving graphic.

I'm still here..

2008-11-21T15:38:00.004-05:00

Geeesh. I am a bad blogger. I have not been on in a while. One of the reasons I wanted to post today is to ask everyone for prayers. My sister Sue has been having trouble - headaches, tingling on the left side of my her head, numbness by her temple, some minor vision problems, high blood pressure, and disoriented. Well she had a CAT scan and they did find something. They said it was about 1/4 inch spot that showed up. We aren't sure what it is but they want to do an MRI on Monday. This is freaking me out! She tells me not to worry but how can I not worry about something like this? Please keep her in your prayers.

I was pleasantly surprised to sign on today and find that Sugar from The Sugar Shack Passed the Marie Antoinette award: Real Blogs - Real People on to me!

Sugar thank you so much I am honored! You are so sweet and it means a lot to me.

Now it is my turn to pick some of my friends blog to pass it on to.
First is Stephanie from Freshly Squeezed. She is also a breast cancer survivor. If you have never read her blog you should stop by and say hi.
My second choice is Kelly from "Reminiscence" of the yesteryears...
I think most of you know who Kelly is. Her sister Kim (I shaved my legs for this) lost her battle with breast cancer. Kelly writes about dealing with her loss.
There are so many other journals I love to read, I really could go on with a long list. You know I love you all!!!

Here are the rules for passing this award along.
1. Please put the logo on your journal - Real Blogs/Real People.
2. Place a link from the person, from whom you received the award.
3. Nominate as many as you want (2-10, with 7 being ideal).
4. Put the links of those on your journal.
5. Leave a comment on their journal to let them know.
6. Put the award on your sidebar, if you want.

I hope I did this right..hee hee.

Oh there is one other thing that I have to talk about..
My dog freaked us out the other night. Jeff woke up about 4:00 a.m. and woke me up and said the dog was gagging. So I got down on the floor with him and he gagged a couple times and then he laid down and peed on the floor! Then he just went limp and was having a really hard time breathing..Then he took one last breath and just laid there. I was hysterical! We were both crying and I thought well this is it, Dabny just died....Jeff picked him up and started shaking him and petting him and all the sudden he gasped and came back to life! Now he is fine. It was the strangest thing. That little shit scared the life out of me, now he is prancing around like nothing ever happened. He is going to be 17 in December so I know his time is coming but I am just not ready yet. Oh I forgot to mention in the heat of the moment I did grab his little snout and started giving him mouth to snout resuscitation...lolol.
Here's my baby...

I have to get ready to go to the grocery store so til next time......

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-30T23:53:00.004-04:00

Here are some pictures from our trip.

A lot has gone on since my last post. We took a trip up north to look at the colors. It was so beautiful. We left early Saturday morning and then stayed the night in Tawas Michigan.

For the most part we missed the peak color, but the trip was still nice and we did see some nice color. We had a great time and it was nice to get away just the two of us.
We stopped at Frankemuth on the way home and then we stopped at the famous "Tony's"

to get something to eat. My dad always took us there on the way home from up north. They give you so much food. Jeff blew his diet for one day but it was worth it. There is a picture of the BLT we ordered above. It had more than a pound of bacon on it and it was gooood!

We have been working at the haunted house for the little league. We did it every Friday, Saturday and Sunday for about 4 weeks. We have so much fun scaring people and laugh so hard when we get "screamers" that come through. My sister Pam and her husband Mike work there too and my sister Sue runs the whole show. Megan has been painting the trailers with spooky scenes and she does such a good job. Karen my niece also did a lot of the painting and they made it look really spooky!

Yesterday we took little Jeffrey to the cider mill. Before we left I stopped at Old Navy and bought a new winter coat for him. It was cold out and he had grown out of his snow suit from last year. He is a great little shopper. He let me try 4 coats on him before I could find the right one. Then we headed for the cider mill. He was so cute looking at all the pumpkins.

He was trying to pick them up and he was saying..."ball"... he thought they were balls. lol

I finally just bought him a little tiny pumpkin that he could carry and then we bought one to carve for Halloween. Then he started getting cranky and crying and carrying on. I forgot how miserable kids get when they don't get there way! I wanted to put him back in the stroller and he wasn't having it. I finally got him buckled in and headed for the car with a screaming grand baby. He is such a good little boy though. I have so much fun with him.

Oh, He is going to be a pirate for Halloween. His costume is so cute.

Jeff had a doctor's appointment today to follow up with his sugar and weight loss. He is doing fantastic! He has lost about 14 pounds. His blood pressure is good, and his sugar is under control.

She even said that if he loses 10 more pounds he may be able to go off the blood pressure medication. Then she turns and looks at me and says....you need your flu shot...huh? what?

Next thing you know, I am being poked with a flu shot! Damn! I just went to support Jeff and I get the shot! No fair!!!!!

I'm having a hard time adding pictures so I will do another post later with more pictures once I figure it all out. I have some pics of the hauted house and the cider mill!

Have a Happy Halloween!!!!!

Coupon Crazy!!!

2008-10-15T17:23:00.003-04:00

I have been going coupon crazy the last week or two. Sue has been my partner in crime. We hit all the stores that have the deals that match up to the coupon and we are saving a ton of money.
The other day I bought 12 bags of Recees and KitKats for Halloween and 4 big bottles of Tylenol for about 20 bucks. Today we went to Super K and they had double up to $2.00 and I stocked up on shampoo, hair color, and lots of other things. Some of the stuff was even free after the coupon. It is well worth the hunt! I am stocking up on everything.

Jeff and I decided to go away this weekend and do our own fall color tour up north. I am excited to just get away and look at all the beautiful scenery. Oh and I am sure we will be bringing the game we always play...it's called UpWords. We are in a major battle. Whoever loses has to keep score the next game. I was on a winning streak for a while, but he won the last 10 games in a row..that was until the other day when we went to the beach and I finally won a game! So the next game we play he has to keep score. hee hee.

I have to go get ready to go out again..I think Jeff wants to go to SuperK and find more deals! He has bought enough soup the last few days to live on for a couple months. He has been on a diet and has been eating nothing but soup. Its working though, he has lost 11 pounds.

ta ta for now.

I hope you all found me!!

2008-10-08T23:18:00.000-04:00

Ok I did it. I transferred my journal over from AOL. They made it really easy too. They did say my pictures would transfer but I don't think they did. Maybe when I am bored I will add some of the pictures that went with the posts.

OK an update on me.

I am doing really good. I am a little bit lazy though I have to admit. I used to be such a go getter and now I dread doing simple tasks. I think I had more energy when I was going through treatment! lol. I think it's just being home all day and not working. When I worked I had a reason to get dressed and get out of the house.

I started to do eBay again. I have three things on and already have bids on 2 of them. We want to buy a new camper so that's what I am working towards so I better get going on that!!

Little Jeffrey is so cute. He is getting so smart too. I love watching him and he is such a good boy. His favorite thing in his toy box is his little books. I will be at the computer typing away and he will swing the chair over towards him and hand me his book. I love to read to him and teach him new words.

We have been working at the haunted house and I had to take him up there with us one night

for a while. Jeff had a big scary mask on and Jeffrey said...."gampa" then he reached out for Jeff to hold him and then gave him a kiss on the scary mask! He is too funny.

I wish I had more to say, but at this point I would have to change my journal name to "What Cartoon I Watched On TV Today". I wouldn't change it for the world though. I love my little guy.

I am going to do some exploring around here and figure out how to do some things.

Hope you all found me here!!!

My New Home!

2008-10-08T23:08:00.000-04:00

Ok. This is going to be a learning experience. AOL journals was so easy that I could do an entry with my eyes closed. I was in a total panic today when I found out they were shutting down. I saved every journal entry I every made along with the comments and I am going to print it out just to be safe. (I think I better go buy more ink) lol.
I think aol is going to try and transfer all my entries here. We'll see if that happens..lol.
The part that gets me is all the pictures I had to go along with my entries.
I don't think they will be able to move those here too. Oh well. I'll write more later I just wanted to test this out and get the link out there to everyone. The next couple posts might just be some experimental posts to see my way around. See you soon!

AOL journals is closing

2008-09-30T18:19:00.000-04:00

OMG! I found out today that AOL will be closing all journals. I am looking for a new place to go. I spent all day saving my journal onto my hard drive along with all the comments. When I find a new place to write I will let everyone know with an email.

If you still want to get my journal please email me at gosso23@aol.com and put in the subject line..YOUR JOURNAL and I will send you the link when I get it up and running. I am just running into a few snags.

I am so sad. I loved it here. : ( I know I haven't done an entry in a while but I have been so busy this summer.

Take care everyone.

Trish

It's about time huh?

2008-08-06T01:50:00.000-04:00

I haven’t written in my journal in so long! There is so much to talk about. I have been spending my summer babysitting and going to the beach!

We went camping for 10 days and had so much fun. It was Jeff and I, Pam and Mike, Sue, Steve and Brad. Brian and Kaitlyn were there a couple days and so where Chris and Erin with the kids. It was so relaxing and refreshing. We rode our bikes everyday to see the sunset on Lake Michigan. We ate until we couldn’t eat anymore. And we played jokes on each other because it’s a camping tradition. Last Christmas, Jeff kidnapped two of Pam’s turtles off of her porch. We took pictures of the turtles doing random stuff with us and then while we were camping we gave them the turtles back with a photo album of their adventures with us…it was so funny. Pam and Mike played all kinds of jokes on everyone. Jeff always says how he has a black cloud following him around so they made a giant black cloud and hung it at out campsite. It was so funny. The black cloud ended up following us camping because our brand new EZ up canopy collapsed in a rain storm and broke! Oh and it fell on Jeff’s brand new chair and bent it up. I was so pissed off! I got over it though but it did take me an entire day of griping about it. Another joke that they played on me was so funny! I will NOT touch a ketchup bottle in a restaurant it totally grosses me out! Well, Pam and Mike made me my own ketchup bottle to use when we go out to eat. It has and industrial glove glued to it..Hee hee. There is a picture above..

We ate so much while we camping. Sue was the master chef. She loves to cook when we go camping. We had king crab leg night and it was so yummy! We had such a great time. I can’t wait to go again.

I had my oncology check up yesterday and everything is going great. He said that there are still no signs of cancer activity. I have to go have a mammogram next week. I have to go every six months so it’s time I guess. But he is certain that everything is good. I feel fantastic. I am back to my old self and now that the thyroid medication has kicked in I have a lot more energy. This month it will be 2 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I can't believe it!

Baby Jeffrey is doing so good. He is saying a lot of words and it is so cute. I really have to watch my mouth though because he repeats everything if you know what I mean. I spend most days hanging out with him taking him swimming in his little pool. Or just swinging on the backyard swing. Today the tree trimmers were outside cutting some dead branches out of our tree and he spent 2 hours looking out the window watching them. He is just too cute!!

I have so much more to say so I will have to do another entry soon.

I have to go get some sleep I have to watch Jeffrey in the morning and it’s getting really late.

I hope everyone likes the pictures!!!

When Life Gives Cancer, Make Lemonade!

2008-05-30T18:06:00.000-04:00

We have a big weekend ahead. The Relay is Saturday and I plan on staying there from 7 a.m. Saturday until 10 a.m. Sunday! I made all the lumanaria bags and they look so nice. We are having a fresh squeezed lemonade stand this year. The stand turned out so cool! I even thought of a slogan for it. "When life gives you cancer, make lemonade!" Sue painted it on the front of the stand and she did a great job. One problem we ran into was the cost of lemons. Sue went to the grocery store to check it out and lemons were 8 for 5 dollars! I called around and found a wholesale produce company and they gave us a great deal. He was so nice and by the time we left he donated 2 cases! We got a megaphone for Jeff and he is going to round up customers. He is so funny so this should be good.

I think my husband is falling apart! When I took him to the doctor for the Bell's Palsy we found out he has high blood pressure. He has been on medication for a month. They wanted to see him to make sure it was under control so I took him back to the doctor..(yes I took him...you know how men are) and I had a list of things for her to check. First they took his blood pressure and it was higher than last time even on medication. So he has to take it two times a day now...then I pulled out my list...He has been having knee problems for a couple weeks now. He told me not to mention it, but how could I not mention it to her when he is up squirming in bed like he is giving birth!!! So she sent him for x-rays and gave him medicine for that..then he has this weird looking thing on his leg that I had her look at and she agree's it needs to come off and sent in to see what it is. He also gets a migraine EVERY day so we talked about that too. Thank god I'm healthy...lololol!!!

I'm off to get things ready for the Relay tomorrow. I have so much to do!!! Pray that it doesn't rain on us.

Long Time No See!!

2008-05-10T15:58:00.000-04:00

WOW!! I haven’t been on my journal in a while.

Jeff is feeling much better and his face is back to normal. What a weird thing to happen to him. I’m just glad he is back to himself because he was very self conscious. His dizziness is gone too. He hard a hard time with that especially at work. Thank goodness he's better.

I went for some blood work after taking thyroid pills for a month and the doctor said my thyroid is still functioning very low so I have to take the pills for a couple more months and we will see what’s happening. I have lost about 5 pounds though even with my thyroid out of whack! I still have about 20 lbs. to go to get back to the weight I was before cancer. I call it my B.C. weight. lol

I also went for a breast MRI Thursday. . It wasn’t nearly as bad as the previous two that I had. I don’t know if it is because I wasn’t hurting anywhere or what but it went very smooth. Maybe because they let me listen to head phones this time. It helps take your mind off of all the banging and clanking going on around you! I was waiting for patiently for my results. I came home one day and there was a message on my machine to call the doctor. By the time I got the message the office was closed. I called my mom and started crying telling her that I knew it had to be something bad. Ok so now I have my family all wound up. I finally fell asleep around 3:00 a.m. I woke up and called the office right away..they tell me they are in with a patient and will have to call me back…ok…..now I am really scared….Then my power goes out in my house and takes the cordless phone with it! So I call back and tell them to call my cell number. Then I told her…ya know, I’m a little scared here because I just had a breast MRI and could they call as soon as possible. They called back about ten minutes later. The nurse then told me that the doctor wanted to make sure I was taking my thyroid pills and to come in for more blood work in three weeks..OH MY GOD!!! Way to scare the crap out of me!! I told her I already talked to someone about that last week and they called in a prescription. She said he just wanted to make sure I was taking it…ok now, why wouldn’t I be taking it…..der...Then I ask her about my MRI and she said it wasn’t in yet. To me that was good news, I had it a week ago, and from experience I know that if it’s bad, they get it to the doctor pretty fast. She finally called later in the afternoon and told me that it came back clear. YAY!!!!!

Megan is doing good and is working two jobs. She even went and bought a new laptop computer! She's making payments on it. I think it’s good for her to have to manage her money. The best part is we aren’t fighting over the computer anymore! Lol

It has been so nice out. We were doing yard work and took the baby out with us. He can stand on his own and he takes a few steps and falls. I stood him up in the grass and he fell and freaked out when he touched the grass and started crying. Lol It was so funny. So I stood him up again and he stood their balancing himself so he wouldn’t fall and touch the grass. It was cute. Every time he would go to fall, he would balance himself back up. Too funny. He is really wanting to walk. The other day he took about eight steps and I thought I was seeing things! He’s so tiny that it looked like that little Alley McBeal baby! (if you don’t know what that is google it….it’s freaky.)

I finally got rid of the lemon fridge and bought a new one. It’s smaller than my old one but I am just glad to have that lemon out of my life! I got the five year warranty too. I’m not taking any chances. I just hope we have better luck with this one!!!

The Relay for Life is this month. We went to a fundraiser called the Amazing Relay Race. It was a road rally and it was so much fun!! Our team was Jeff, Megan, George and myself. We were scrambling around trying to figure out clues and it was a blast!! We came in last out of 6 teams but we had a great time and we were the only team that didn’t call in to get aclue. We figured them all out and did our tasks and we had the best time. OUr biggest mistake was starting to drvie before we knew where we were going...we would figure out the clue and have to turn around and drive 3 miles back the other way...I'm blaming that on JEFF!!! We also raised $130.00 for our team!

This year our team is going to have a fresh lemonade stand! The guys are going to build it this weekend. I hope it all works out and goes smooth. I just see a Lucille Ball episode in the works when we start making that lemonade...lolol

The Relay is May 31 and if you would like to donate here is a link to my personal page. My Relay for Life Page.

Thank you to everyone that has donated. It means a lot to me. Trust me, I know first hand that the money raised is put to good use. When I was feeling my lowest I went to a program called Look Good Feel Better that AMC helps to sponsor and I left there smiling with a bag full of makeup and new confidence to rock my bald head!

Just a warning…..when you go to Sam’s club with your husband…..don’t let him wander….you end up with tons of junk food and a year supply of tuna fish in your basket!!! lol

Terri, Thanks for being there for me..I am feeling much better. :)

Happy Mothers Day to all the Moms out there!!

Jeff has Bell's Palsy

2008-04-08T23:49:00.000-04:00

We just found out that Jeff has Bell’s Palsy. The right side of his face is paralyzed. He can’t blink one of his eyes and his speech is slurred.

This all started when he went to the dentist. He went for a cleaning and they said that he needed some work done under a crown. He went and had the work done and was doing ok until about 4 days later. He started having severe pain in his jaw. It hurt so bad that he didn’t sleep that Saturday and into Sunday. He was awake for 24 hours in PAIN! I called the dentists emergency number and he called a pain killer and antibiotics in to my pharmacy and said he wanted to see him at 9:30 the next morning. Jeff stayed up all night again because the pain medicine didn’t work. By the time we got to the dentist he was pretty bad. They did X-rays and found nothing wrong so they gave him a shot and sent him home and told him to come back if the shot wears off and there is still pain. He finally got some sleep and woke up a little before 5:00 and was in pain again. I called the dentist and they said to come right up there. They did another x-ray and decided he needed a root canal.

After the root canal he was pretty numb, but the pain was gone. The thing is his face stayed numb for a few days and then started to travel to the other side of his face. I thought maybe the dentist hit a nerve and there was nerve damage. The dentist thought maybe he was still swollen and something was hitting a nerve.

Well that was a week ago! His face has been numb an entire week! I called the family doctor because he was starting to have dizzy spells and his eye wouldn’t close, he was drooling and had slurred speech. I though maybe he had a stroke or something. The doctor was pretty sure it was Bell’s Palsy after she evaluated him, but she sent him to the hospital right away for a CAT scan. I called my family to tell them and next think you know Pam and Mike are at the hospital. I know they didn’t want me to be alone in case it was bad news. I thought for sure he had a brain tumor or something. It’s sad, but with our track record I have started to think the worst and hope for the best. The CAT scan came back negative thank god.

It hard to watch him try to eat and drink andhis eye is so irritated that it tears up and just streams down his face.

Today he had to go to the dentist again and have more work done. The doctor said it would be fine to go ahead and have the rest of his root canal finished up. He did really good and the numbness from the shot is wearing off so that’s a good sign.

So the diagnosis is Bell’s Palsy. It can last for weeks, months, or longer. It just has to run it’s course. The doctor is pretty sure he will fully recover. It is unclear what causes it but sometimes it can be an infection, or exposure to cold or even stress.

The worst part for him is the dizziness. I called the doctor and she called something into the pharmacy for him. I really hope it works. He is just miserable.

My Four Month Checkup and the Relay for Life!

2008-03-28T23:02:00.000-04:00

I went to the oncologist yesterday for my four month check up and everything looks good. I have to go for a breast MRI just to keep up on the lump in my right breast. Even though I had the mammogram and the ultrasound, he thinks it will be best if I have a MRI just to be sure. I really hate that test. It doesn’t hurt, although I do have to have an I.V. those don’t bother me. It is just going into that tube and being still for 30 minutes that kills me. Laying on my stomach and my arms out like superman. I will just take my mind somewhere pleasant during it. Last time I just kept thinking about our camping trip that was coming up and it helped me get through the last 10 minutes of the test without getting up and bolting out of there. I had blood work and he also checked all my lymph nodes and he said he didn’t feel anything to be concerned about also he said my liver felt good and my other organs. He must know what he’s feeling for I guess. I just wonder how he would know if someone’s liver didn’t feel good….? He also gave me a shot and some antibiotics because I have some sort of infection related to my allergies and sinus problems. He said I am good for another 4 months as long as the blood work and MRI both come back good.

So yesterday I am sitting here and the phone rings and it is my doctor’s office. The first thing I think is …uhoh…..why are they calling me. It was the nurse and she had my blood test results. My heart sank thinking that there was some sort of activity going on in there. Thank god that wasn’t the case. She informed me that I have a low functioning thyroid so now I have to take thyroid medicine for a month and then go and get another blood test. The nurse said it could be the medication I was on or the chemotherapy that caused it. Also I just read online that radiation can cause it too. Who knows what the heck happened. This might explain why I have been having a hard time losing the 20 pounds I gained during chemotherapy. I really hope this medicine works and gets my metabolism back to normal!

I will be participating in the Relay for Life again this year. There was an article in our local paper about it. They wrote about my sister Sue’s involvement with the Relay. They also wrote about Sharon my sister that passed away from breast cancer and how I fought it too and how far treatment has come since then. Here is the link if you would like to read it. Article

I stepped down this year from the Relay for Life entertainment duties but I am still on the committee. I have too much on my mind to focus so much energy into it this year. When I get my head together I will take on more duties again. If you would like to donate here is a link to my personal page. My Relay for Life Page There is also a link on the main page of my journal to the left. If you don’t like to do stuff like that online you can print out a mail in form. Or if you don’t want to print out a form you can email me and I can give you my home address. My email is gosso23@aol.com. Thanks to all of you that have donated already. I greatly appreciate your generosity and it means so much to me.

Time to vent!!

2008-03-10T17:46:00.000-04:00

OK time to vent! The refrigerator repair man just left and the news is not good. This is the third time my fridge has broken, Last time it broke was only about 8 months ago and this time it is the exact same thing! It’s the motherboard! Who knew refrigerators had motherboards in them anyway. Why can’t they just make things like they used to? They ran just fine without all that computer stuff in them before. It is going to cost another $200.00 to get fixed. I think we are going to just go buy a new fridge. This one is only 4 years old. I am just sick over this. I am writing to GE to complain about this. I did some research and some of the GE motherboards are recalled but not mine. There has to be something going on that causes it to blow. The sad thing is I know I can call and complain all I want but they aren’t going to do anything. I already went through this with them last time it broke.

OK vent over…….

My Miracle. Happy Birthday Megan!

2008-03-07T12:11:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday Megan!

Nineteen years ago today a miracle happened. I had my baby girl. It was a very scary day for me and my family because she wasn’t supposed to be born until mid April.

The morning before she was born, Jeff left for work and everything was fine. I fell back asleep only to be awakened by a feeling like my water broke. I got up and went into the bathroom only it wasn’t water, it was blood and a lot of it. I called my sister Sharon right away and then Pam and Sue. They were all over so fast. My mom and dad lived up north then but when they got the call they made it here in record time. They called an ambulance and off I went to the hospital not knowing what was happening to my baby.

I was bleeding but I didn’t have any labor pains. At this point they told me I would be staying in the hospital until my baby was born which was one and a half months away. That evening I started to have labor pains. They gave me medicine to stop the labor but Megan wasn’t having it. They said my baby was in distress and I had to get to surgery immediately.

They sent Jeff home and just when he walked in the door, he had to turn back around because I was being rushed into to an emergency C-section.

I remember laying on the table crying and thinking the worst.

When she was born I saw a glimpse of her before they scooped he up and ran out the door with her and she looked like a little baby bird that got kicked out of the nest. She was 3 lbs. 4 ounces.

I went into recovery and Jeff came back with some pictures and showed me our new baby girl. She had wires and tubes and I was scared to look at them.

She spent a month in the NICU and she was so tiny. She had to be fed through a tube in her nose. We would visit her every day and some days we couldn’t touch her or hold her. I would cry all way home. I remember one time we went to see her and she was naked on her tummy with her butt sticking up in the air and all you could see were two bones where her butt should be. They said she was sick and we couldn’t see her that day and we both cried as we walked back out the door to go to the car.

They finally let her come home when she reached 4 lbs. but she had to be on a heart monitor until she was about 8 months old because she would forget to breathe. When the monitor went off we had to give her a shake to remind her to breathe.

Today is Megan's 19th birthday and she has grown into a beautiful young lady. I just can’t believe where the time went. We went through her baby book last night and she really loved reading all about her self as a baby.

Tonight we are going to the casino for her Birthday.

Thank you god for our beautiful Megan.

Bread anyone?

2008-02-29T22:37:00.000-05:00

I have a funny story to tell. I went to my cousins daughters wedding shower last Saturday. When I was getting dressed I picked a jacket that had a breast cancer pin on it. Well, I put the jacket on and decided to take the pin off. I took it off because for over a year I have lived and breathed breast cancer. My hair is back, I don't look sick anymore, and I just wanted to go and be me. Not that I don't like to wear the pin. I'm very proud to wear it. I just wanted to have one day to go have fun and not think breast cancer.

Well my sister Sue was sitting next to me and I told her, "ya know, I had a breast cancer pin on but I took it off because I just didn't want to be the BC girl today. So she passes me the basket of bread, and I grab a piece and hand it to my sister Pam who was on the other side of me. I look down at my piece of bread and this is what I see....

We laughed our butts off. It was so funny. Next thing you know Sue is running over showing it to everyone and telling them the BC pin story and they are cracking up. My cousin Mike took off with it and showed it to everyone too. That piece of bread made it's rounds that day. Everyone at the shower got to see it and hear the story...lol... When he came back and handed it to me I said.."are you done playing with my boob now?"...lololol Then..I wrapped it up and put it in my purse so I could show Jeff.

I told my cousin that I am taking it home, varnishing it and mounting it on my wall like a deer head. hee hee.

Good news about my mom. She had the colonoscopy and it came back fine. Thank god. It shows some pockets where there is diverticulitis but that is it. So it was definitely the diverticulitis that had her in the hospital.

Oh another story...at the shower my cousin Mike said that he had his colonoscopy. He said they found one polyp so he was one polyp away from being a perfect asshole...hee hee.

So sad

2008-02-25T22:14:00.000-05:00

I am so sad today. I lost another journal friend. She was such an inspiration and a wonderful lady. Although she was fighting her own battle she had a prayer request on her journal for many people including me. Irene from Meet Me At The Breakfast Table lost her fight with ovarian cancer today. I just went back and read her very first entry in her journal and it brought tears to my eyes. In her first entry she explained why her journal was called Meet Me at the Breakfast Table. It is from a song by Chris Rice called Breakfast Table. She said it was a song that reminded her sister of her. Here is the chorus to the song.

Save me a seat at the breakfast table.
Save me a dance around the Milky Way.
And save me a thousand years to whisper in your ears.
All I've wanted to say.
Save me a smile and an angel's feather.
Save me a walk down the streets of gold.
And baby, we'll change our minds just like old times...
And maybe we'll just fly away.
Or maybe we'll stay.

She had such a loving family and I know that they are going to miss her. I will miss her.

Good News!

2008-02-14T21:11:00.000-05:00

I have good news. I got a letter in the mail today from the breast center and it says my recent films and ultrasound show no signs of cancer! I had to wait to hear something because the radiologist had to compare my films with my previous ones from 3 months ago. It also says see you in 6 months! YAY!!

So now I guess the lump I have is just a cyst so that’s wonderful. I can live with that diagnosis! What I like even better is I don’t have to go have that MRI! Yippie!

My moms colonoscopy is next Wednesday. So much for them putting that rush on it that we asked for. We wanted it done and over with this week.

I will just be glad when it is done and we have the results. She is feeling much better. We even went shopping yesterday and then had lunch.

Jeff came home with flowers for me for Valentines Day. They are beautiful.

Happy Valentines Day!!

Mom doing better, and mammogram time.

2008-02-10T18:40:00.000-05:00

My mom is doing much better. I took her to the doctor last week and they ordered a colonoscopy, and some vascular tests. She will know tomorrow when she is having the colonoscopy. I told the doctor we want it as soon as possible and he said it would probably be this week. He checked her Carotid artery and he said it sounded sluggish, so she is having it checked. She had surgery on her leg years ago to fix a problem in her leg and and they are going to check that out too. She was feeling really bad on Wednesday, we were supposed to go out to lunch and she said she just didn't feel right. Sue went right over to take her temp and blood pressure. It turns out she had an upper respiratory infection. She is on antibiotics and is finally feeling good.

I went for my mammogram Monday. Ouchy wowwa. It usually doesn't hurt me but with all the surgery on my left breast it was not pleasant. Please don't let this scare anyone off from getting a mammogram. It is worth the discomfort to find out if there is anything going on in there. I have a lump on my right breast so they sent me for an ultra sound to see what the heck is going on. I can feel the lump, I am the one that found it. The ultra sound tech could feel it too, but the dang thing will not show up on an ultra sound! She just kept saying, "this is so strange I know it's there, I just can't find it". They were waiting for my other films to compare the new ones to but she said they may want me to come in and get a couple more films done. She said they will probably want me to go and have a breast MRI. Oh great...the one were you have an I.V. and then lay face down with your boobs dangling through two holes...lolol. How cute is that. Then you have to go in a big tube and hear banging and beeping for 45 minutes. Last time I did it I got panicky towards the end. It is just that you are in there so long that you start thinking too much. I am going to call the breast center tomorrow to find out what is next.

Yesterday we were coming home from taking Jeff's van in for some work and Jeff suggested that we go out to dinner later that night. So about 3:00 Pam calls me and asks if we wanted to go out to dinner with them. I told her that we were going to get chinese food so she said she would meet us there. Then she called Sue and Steve and they were coming too. We had such a good time and my mom actually ate! When we got there, Jeff announced, geeez all I wanted to do was take my wife out to dinner and now your all here! Everyone was cracking up. We all still met up for breakfast this morning too. After that we had to go to the grocery store, and Pam, Mike and my mom had to get some stuff so there we were at the grocery store together too. lolol It is so nice to be so close to my family. We love each other so much that we do everything together. We all have camping reservations in the summer for 10 days! Three campers in a row! Can't wait.

I am still doing great aside from some sinus stuff going on. I have a a headache for a week now. Other than that I feel really good.

I thought I would show off a picture of Jeffrey just out of the bath. He is getting so big and he loves taking a big boy bath now.

Off to watch the Grammy Red Carpet Show in my pink pj's.

Nice Matters Awards

2008-02-03T21:49:00.000-05:00

When I stared this journal I did it to keep my friends and family informed of my ongoing breast cancer treatment. Little did I know I would make so many journal friends. Terri from You think you know, but you have no idea...picked me for the Nice Matters Award. Now I have the opportunity to pick five people to pass it on to!

Thank you Terri you are such a sweetheart. I enjoy reading your journal and you have been here for me through everything! You are such a good journal friend and have given me so much support.

So here are my five..this was really hard to do because there are so many of you out there!

Stephanie from in perpetual motion...She is a great lady who is a mother to twin boys. I love reading about their adventures. She is also a breast cancer survivor who went through it with me. She lives in Hawaii and is a military wife. She also ran a marathon recently and I admire her for that after all she has been through with Breast Cancer.

Jackie from Hope Floats She is also a cancer survivor and has been there for me so many times. She knows just what to say to make me feel better and she is so sincere. She has two beautiful grandsons who are the light of her life!

Irene or Rene as her family calls her from Meet Me at the Breakfast Table. She writes about her daily struggle with stage IV ovarian cancer. She has a really close family that loves her. She is a special person that has been through so much and still manages to see the good in everything.

Barbara from Just Another Day In The Life Of Me She is one of the sweetest ladies I know. She has been through so many things in her life. She lost her son in a car accident and then a year later was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. Now she is dealing with lymphedema. We shared many emails during our treatment and became friends. She doesn't write in her journal as much as she used to but she tries to keep us updated.

Linda from Sangria Two She is a mother to five and a grandmother to one. She has a busy life but still finds the time to have fun! I read her journal and wish I could do the cool things she does! Her twin boys just turned 18!

Now Stepanie, Jackie, Irene, Barbara, and Linda you have to snag your Nice Matters Award and choose 5 people to give the award to. Have fun!!

Please go and visit these journals and you will see why I picked these great ladies!!!

Thanks again Terri!!

Mom is home from the hospital.

2008-02-03T11:34:00.000-05:00

Thanks everyone for your concern and prayers for my mom. She is finally home from the hospital. She is doing much better and she is able to eat without getting sick now so that is a good sign. She has to follow up with the surgeon this week and they are going to do another test. She got by with no surgery so far so we are thankful for that. When she got home yesterday she called work and told them she would not be coming back. She loves to work but she said it was time to quit. It kept her busy and she really enjoyed working there. I told her she can come over my house now and help me watch little Jeffrey. lol

I have to go for a mammogram tomorrow. I am not too worried about it. I just hope checks out ok.

Little Jeffrey is so cute. He got his first tooth! He knows it's there too. When I say "you have a tooth" and I put my finger on it, he puts his little tongue on it and smiles...Too cute!!!!

Today is the Superbowl. Jeff is going to watch so I am going make him some goodies for the game. I won't watch, I am just not into it. I might watch the half time show and some commercials though. hee hee.

Purple Heart called me so I had some stuff to put out on my porch for them, I was feeling really good about it until Megan informed me I gave away all her summer clothes..OMG! All I could think about was tracking them down and going through bags of clothes to get her stuff back. Remember Marsha Brady lost her diary when her mom donated books to goodwill!! Bobby Sherman got a hold of it somehow and brought it back to her hee hee. What do you think the chances are of Rob Thomas showing up at my door with Megan's summer clothes? I still don't know why I didn't double check the bag, or why she put them in a garbage bag next to the other bags I had ready to go. My heart sinks when I think about this, and what else could have been in there....oh well...looks like we will be doing some shopping. I am sure she won't mind that!

Update on my mom.

2008-01-31T17:12:00.000-05:00

My mom is still in the hospital. As I write this they are doing a barium test to see what the heck is going on. She started to get better and they took the tube out of her nose and they started her on a liquid diet and then eased her into a soft diet. Well last night right before we left she started getting sick again. Something is just not right. The doctor said they are doing this test and if she is not better they will most likely do surgery. She is really upset because with this surgery you usually have to have a colostomy bag for a few months to prevent infection. I told her we will deal with it if it happens and not to get all worked up over it. She is just miserable.

Just wanted to update everyone on my mom. Jeff just got home from work so we are heading up there right now.

My mom is in the hospital.

2008-01-28T21:20:00.000-05:00

My mom went to emergency early Sunday morning. I got a call on my cell phone from my sister Sue. It was about 3:30 a.m. so when it rang I knew somthing was wrong. Her stomach was hurting and she was in a lot of pain. This happened in the fall too and she spent time in the hospital for diverticulitis. She had a CAT scan and they said she has a blockage in her lower bowels and it is not diverticulitis. I went up there yesterday and she was in so much pain and getting sick. The surgeon was in today and said if she is not better in a couple days then she has to have surgery. Today they put a tube in her nose and it is draining her stomach. She hates "that damn tube" as she puts it. When I left they were taking her down to X ray. I just hate seeing her like this. I really hope this is nothing to worry about.

I have to go have a mammogram February 4th. Ugggg. Not looking forward to it. To many bad memories there. It will be the beginning of all the tests that I will have to have to make sure everything is still going good. I have to say I am back 100%. I feel fanfreakin' tasktic!!!!!

Please keep good thoughts for my mom. This is really worrying me.......

I Used To Have Rhythm!

2008-01-17T20:38:00.000-05:00

I started a diet and exercise program. I have been trying to exercise every other day. I have two 5lb. weights so I have been working out my arms too. The left arm isn’t cooperating too well but it is getting stronger. I just have a hard time lifting it over my head. These little chickies on the workout videos I do have been doing are getting on my last nerve…”come on, you can do it, smile, you will be in a bikini before you know it”, yeah right, a bikini? I don’t think so. I have a hard time keeping up with their fancy little moves. I use to to be able to keep up now I look like a cheerleading tryout reject. I use to have rhythm! Then just when they say..”come on, only 5 more minutes to go”, that is when I collapse on the couch in a heap. Then I look over to see baby Jeffrey is bouncing like a maniac in his bouncer. I wish I had his energy!!

The other day I got up had my coffee, made a slim fast shake in the blender, and I was feeling gooooooood. I’m thinking OK! I can do this!!That was until Jeff got home from work. He went sneaking by with a bag in his had and them came to the computer and presents me with a plate of cheeseburgers and onion rings! I told him I couldn’t eat it! He has such a sad little look on his face so what do you think I did?……… I ate it…But I have been trying really hard to eat the right foods so a splurge wouldn’t hurt right. Fast forward to my nephew Jaiden’s birthday party, yup I ate sloppy joes and cake…And then yesterday I went to Red lobster with my Mom, Sue and Megan. I had fried shrimp and how can you resist the cheesy biscuits? I have a new respect for people that diet. I really never had to diet. I mean my clothes would get a little tight and I would cut down on the Doritos and cupcakes for a while but this!!!! This is a nightmare!! Lol

I went walking with Sue at the recreation center. We did 17 laps so that equals a mile. By the 16th lap I was dragging my butt around the track whining to Sue that I had enough. At one point she said “lets pick up the pace a little” and I did for a little bit but trust me I am out of shape.

When we were at Red Lobster the other day, I took baby Jeffrey along because I watch him during the day. I packed up his little bag and brought a little jar of food. I have a silver baby spoon that was Jeffrey’s that has been in my drawer for 22 years. Well my mom was holding Jeffrey and feeding him for a while and then when we were getting up to leave I was packing up his bag and said..”where’s the spoon? My mom freaked out and said, “she took it with my plate!” I told her that's ok mom I only had it for 22 years! LOL! The waitress went in the back and found it in with the other silverware. It was so funny. I felt bad for the waitress so I left her a bigger tip..lol

Speaking of tips, my husband is a huge tipper. I am the one that gets out my phone and calculates the tip on my easy tip calculator. One morning we went out to breakfast and the waitress was really rude. Pam was not happy and only left $1.00. I mean this is a cheap little breakfast so I usually only leave $2.00 or $3.00. Pam and Mike had left and I was standing there talking to my mom and Sue and the waitress goes to our table and says….”you gotta be kidding me, this is all they left” I was standing there and I couldn’t believe my ears. This is not the first time she made comments about tips. She will complain about other tables and what they leave. Well I had enough, I went straight to the manager and told on her. I am usually not like that but I think I am getting pissy in my old age. Lol. The manager was mad and said she would have a talk with her. Hey if she was nice she would have gotten a nice tip!

I thought I would post a picture of my hair progress and some cute pictures of the baby.

Happy New Year!

2007-12-31T23:09:00.000-05:00

It's 11:00 and here I sit at the computer looking back on the last year. It was a hard year for our family and I am glad to say SEE YA to 2007!!! I am going into the new year feeling fantastic. My hair is growing more and more each day and my body is finally starting to feel good again. I can walk up the stairs without my legs giving out on me and I feel so good I am going to start exercising! I am going into 2008 with my head held high as a cancer survivor. My wish is for everyone to have a happy and healthy New Year.

My New Years Eve has been spent eating shrimp pasta, having a glass of wine and watching my grandbaby learn to crawl!

I couldn't ask for a better night.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Another friend lost.

2007-12-28T20:46:00.000-05:00

I lost yet another friend this week to breast cancer. The journal world is mourning the loss of Kim from I Shaved My Legs For This. Even though I never met her face to face, we supported each other through our long months of treatment. We sent each other encouraging emails while we were going through chemotherapy. An email went unanswered recently so I knew there had to be something wrong. I went to visit her journal and I saw all the comments left that she had passed away. I spent the day going back and reading parts of her journal. She had such a sassy attitude towards her fight with breast cancer and she was so confident that she could beat this. It is just a shame that cancer has won. Her journal was honest, brave and humorous. She had a lot of readers who followed her through her fight and I know they are going to miss her. I am so sorry for her family and her children. She wrote about the love for her husband and their love for going to the lake and spending time together. I know she is going to be missed by her friends and family. She was a wonderful person and I will miss reading about her adventures in life. I will miss you Kim.

We Lost a Family Friend This Week.

2007-12-24T01:35:00.000-05:00

Saturday was a sad day. I had to go to a funeral for a good family friend. She lost her battle with breast cancer Wednesday morning. She was diagnosed early this year and she is already gone. I just can't believe it. It seems like I just talked to her and gave her words of encouragement. I am trying to understand how this could happen. She has a lovely daughter

who is in college and she is just the sweetest girl. She was a single mother and before her Daughter went off to college you would see them together and they would always be smiling.

Walking into the funeral home was so hard for me and my family. Her older sister was my sister Sharon's best friend growing up and her family gave us so much support during Sharon's illness. Now there we were grieving with them. I am just so sad over this and I am having a really hard time with it.

Going to the funeral was really hard. Sue was getting mad at me because I would say things like, if anything ever happens to me I don't want a choir just a soloist. Then I said, please get up there and look at me first and make sure I look ok. I know she doesn't want to hear it but when you have had cancer it is something that you think about. I think I have a bruise on my

arm from her nudging me every time I said something about my funeral. lol

It is 1:10 a.m. and I can't sleep. I was sick last week with bronchitis, and I am on prednisone and I am so HYPER!!! I made 3 batches of cookies, I

have done laundry and cleaned the silverware drawer. I have done more today than I have the last 2 weeks! lol!!The doctor told me if I wasn't better by Saturday that I was to go to the emergency room and have them admit me to the hospital. Thank goodness the antibiotics worked. I feel so much better. Now Jeff and Megan are sick. I can't get Jeff to go to the doctor though. He is very stubborn. He went to work sick on Friday and he plans on going in tomorrow too. He will not miss a day of work!

I didn't get my Christmas cards out! I bought them and the stamps but never sent them out. DUH!!!

Oh, Someone left some homemade chocolates on my porch and I can't figure out who it was. I think I have an idea though.
I still have a few things to pick up at the store tomorrow, so I better try and get some sleep so I can get up early and go.

Merry Christmas!!!

It's been a while!

2007-12-10T02:41:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I have done this. I have been so busy lately with little Jeffrey. He is keeping Grandma hopping. He is at such a fun stage. I baby-sit almost every day and I love it.

He started to eat baby food a couple weeks ago and it was a big event in the house. As soon as we heard that he could start on food, we went to the grocery store and stocked up on teeny tiny jars of food. I think Jeff picked out 15 jars! He was so funny. Bonnie and Jeffrey gave him peas first because we heard if you give them the yucky stuff first instead of something good they will be more likely to eat it later. He made the funniest faces and gagged a couple times. It was too cute.

I made a decision about work. . I‘m not going back. It was hard for me to finally go in and tell them, but I think I am doing the right thing. Now I keep second guessing myself. I think it is the fact that I have been working there for 10 years and I really did enjoy the people I worked with. Jeff just wants me to stay home and get healthy.

I went shopping the day after Thanksgiving. I was up and at J.C. Penny by 4:00 a.m. Then I went and met Sue and Pam at Meijers. We had a really fun day and I think Sue is the one that got the best deals.

I went to Frankenmuth again on Tuesday to meet some friends that I met on the internet and have been talking to online on a message board for years. It is a really big collection of people that are on the message board and whenever they meet I am so far away from the meeting place. Since it was so close I just had to go! It was so nice to finally get to meet some of them. They were so nice. My mom, Megan and her friends went too. We had lunch at Bavarian Inn, and then shopped all the cute little shops. Then we did the a pretzel rolling workshop. It was fun. We learned the history of the pretzel and then got to make our own. After that we went to Bronners Christmas shop. You have to have about 3 hours to get through that entire store! It is just beautiful though. So much to look at.

I have my little teeny Christmas tree up already. It’s the only one that fits in my living room right now, but it looks so cute! I miss my big tree though.

My living room looks like I run a daycare center. I have a walker, a swing, and a bouncer. Jeffrey has so much fun in the bouncer. I have to get some video and figure out how to put it in my journal. He bounces until he wears himself out and then falls asleep. He is just too cute. He makes me so happy!!!

Health wise I am doing really good lately. I am feeling like myself again. The only thing that I am dealing with is some numbness in my arms and fingers and if I sit too long my knees just don’t want to work. Other than that I feel great. My hair is growing and I even had my first haircut! I had to, I was looking like I had a mullet so I went and had it shaped. I love playing with it. I will probably keep it shorter from now on because it is so easy for me. I had so much hair before that it was such a hassle and now I am freeeeee!!!

I just had to put the picture of BB Jeffrey up in his Superman costume. It is just too cute!

My Friend Jacqui

2007-11-12T13:14:00.000-05:00

My friend Jacqui came in from New Zealand! We had a wonderful visit. My family picked her up from the airport two weeks ago. When we got there we were hoping we were in the right place. I went over and was talking to a security guard and Megan goes, “mom there she is”. She saw us jumping up and down and started walking really fast towards us. We hugged and cried and it was the most amazing thing. We thought we would never see each other after 6th grade and there she was 32 years later. We stayed up and talked for a long time the first night.

Since I am still recovering from surgery I was pretty limited to what we could do but we did end up going out with the help of my family because I couldn‘t drive. My mom took us on our first shopping trip and we had so much fun. I used the carts they have in the stores so I didn’t have to walk. We also went to the zoo and to Frankenmuth and Megan pushed me around in a wheelchair.

One night I planned a get together at the local bar for all the “kids” in the neighborhood she knew. It was so much fun. She got to see everyone and we all had such great memories of when she lived here. We also had a get together and had a fire in the back yard and she had her first s’more! I told her she had to take that tradition back to New Zealand with her. She didn’t know what a graham cracker was but she thinks she can find something similar in the store.

Everything is so much cheaper. It was hard for her to walk in a store and not buy something because of the price. She came with 2 suit cases but one was empty. When she left both were full and we had to weigh them to make sure she wasn’t over the limit for the plane because she shopped so much.

Another thing is the food. She tasted a Nacho Cheese Chalupa from Taco Bell and said…”this is beautiful!” Can you imagine no Taco Bell?

My family enjoyed her so much. She fit right in with us. She is the most amazing person. There was not one uncomfortable moment between us. Jeff said yesterday evening that he already misses her. He had so much fun with her. He said he is going to really miss not having her here.

We took her to the airport yesterday at 12:15. It was really hard to say goodbye. We cried at the fact that we really don’tknow if we will ever see each other again. When we talked about how sad it would be to say goodbye she said, “let’s just be thankful for the time we have now,” which is so true. I am so glad she made this trip. She traveled for a whole day just to be here and I will never forget the fun we had.

I am tracking her plane and it is landing in New Zealand in 6 minutes. I know she is going to be so excited to see her family. She is going to have so many stories to tell them. We developed all of her pictures on Saturday so she could show them to her family as soon as she got home.

We had such a nice visit. I hope I can go to New Zealand one day.

Her plane just landed in New Zealand!! She is probably running to see her family. :)

I'm home.

2007-10-25T14:26:00.000-04:00

I’m home. I came home Sunday afternoon. I can’t just go in and have surgery, I have to have every complication that comes along with it. But the good news is I am doing good now.

My mom got here Tuesday and had me to the hospital by 5:00 a.m. I didn’t sleep all night. I just stayed up because I was so nervous. The doctor came in and explained just what they were going to do and that is when I learned that I wouldn’t be having the laparoscopy surgery, they were going to do a bikini cut. Uggg….. The anesthesiologist came in and asked me if I wanted a epidural instead of having to have morphine afterward. I get really sick on pain meds so I had the epidural. I was so scared but they came in and put something in my I.V. and I don’t even remember them doing it. But I do remember wheeling into the operating room and seeing about 5 people getting things ready for the surgery, and what looked like a mound of tools on a cart!

I woke up asking a ton of questions, “am I done?, is it over, am I o.k., where’s my mom?” Then they took me to my room. They kept the spinal in for the rest of the day. Thank god because about 20 minutes after I got into my room I had an asthma attack and started coughing my guts out. I was doing good until then. Then I started pushing my little spinal pump to get make sure I was numb enough not to feel the coughs. They said I pushed it 2 times every half hour for about 10 hours..lol. The thing is, my right leg had got very numb and I couldn’t even lift it the next morning so they slowed it down to see if that would work. My left leg was fine, I could move it and push against the doctors hand but the other one was just dead! It was so frustrating. This went on for 2 days. They were really concerned and I was going to have a CT scan to see what was going on but I started to feel my toes after they adjusted the needle in my back. They took out the needle the next day and about 4 hours later I was starting to move my leg again. I had to walk with a walker to the bathroom and drag my numb leg along with me.

After the asthma attack they had to do an x-ray of my lungs. This is when they said I had fluid on my lungs probably from the surgery. So I had to stay in the hospital and get tons of steroids and breathing treatments. I gained 11 pounds in 1 week! I feel like a balloon! The good thing is I will be off the steroids slowly within the next week and the weight will come off.

My mom and Jeff were visiting one night and the Chaplin came in and asked me if I wanted to say a prayer. I told her that would be wonderful. So she turned to my mom and Jeff and said…”are these your parents?” The look on Jeff’s face was like…HUH WHAT??!!! She said the most beautiful prayer for me, it was very touching and I was very emotional, but after she left I almost split myself laughing!!! There’s Jeff with his grey beard being called my dad! HYSTERICAL!!! I laughed so much that I went into another coughing fit! Lolol

Well, I’m home now and I am doing good. I am just a little sore and I have taken myself off the pain pills because I just can’t handle them. I can’t stand how they make me feel. I have nightmares. If I stay on the couch and not try to move around the house too much I feel good.

I have been so depressed over my appearance lately that I have even cried to Jeff. My hair is bushy and weird, I have major dark circles under my eyes, and I was already having issues with my weight gain and now I have gained even more. I know I will be back to normal one day, but when I look back on my journal and see who I was in the beginning of this cancer journey, I feel so lost. I don’t see myself in the mirror anymore.

When I feel better I am starting an exercise routine and my goal is to be cute by springtime!!!!!

Update on my mom.

2007-10-20T13:26:00.000-04:00

Hi, this is Trish's daughter, Megan. I'm just giving a quick update to let everyone know that her surgery went well. However, she is still in the Hospital. She was suppost to come home Thursday but they have kept her because of breathing problems. She was also suppost to come home today, but they are keeping her until her breathing improves.

Just wanted everyone to know...

Love, Megan.

Getting ready for surgery.

2007-10-15T23:35:00.000-04:00

Just a quick entry. I am getting ready to go in for surgery. I have to be there at 5:00 a.m. Surgery is at 7:30. My mom is going to go with me. Jeff can't take off work so he will come and see me when he gets off work. I think I have to be there a couple days. I am not looking forward to this but I know it has to be done.

I have done so much in the last week. When I was going through chemo, I would lay on my couch and dream about getting the painting done so now it's done! My living room and Megan's room both have been painted. My mom, Sue and Pam all came over Wednesday and helped with the living room. I was walking in circles with a paint brush in my hand. lol. I HATE painting. Sue and my mom came over and stripped the border off the wall and started painting the windows. Then Sue had to leave for a while and left and me and mom there wondering what to do next so we did a second coat on the windows. Then I said to my mom..."don't worry, when Pam gets here she will have a plan!" lol... Pam came and went to town on the ceiling and had the whole room almost painted then Sue came back, and did the second coat! Thank god for my family. Like I said I HATE PAINTING!! I used to love it when I was younger and didn't have so much stuff. I think it is moving all the stuff out of the room and the rest of the house being so unorganized that gets me. But now I have to say, it was worth it. Everything looks so nice. Thanks, mom, Sue and Pam! I love you guys!!!!

Well I can't eat or drink after midnight so I think I am off to get a cookie and a glass of milk.

2007-10-09T15:36:00.000-04:00

Wow. It's been a while. I have been so busy! I have been working and getting things done around the house that I haven't done in a year! All the sudden my eyes have been open to my surroundings again, and I'm not liking what I see! When I was sick I didn't see it. I painted the bathroom last week and then I painted the hallway ceiling. I think I over did it though because this week I have zero energy. It has been so hot here and that doesn't help. Sue and Pam are coming to help me finish up. Thank god for them!! I hate asking for help, I always did everything myself but I just have to come to realize I don't have the energy like I used to.

I found out last week that I am going to have surgery a week from today. I am going to have a Oophorectomy and probably a complete hysterectomy. It is all for preventative reasons. I am at a high risk for cancer in those areas so the doctors recommend it. I still don't know how I feel about it yet but it will be less worry for me if I don't have the ovaries. I am not looking forward to this at all but I am going to do what I have to do.

My friend Jacqui is coming from New Zealand in less than a month. I am so excited to see her. I can't wait to go to the airport and pick her up. We will probably be up the whole night talking that first night. We have so much to talk about. This is something we both only could dream about now it is happening. I only wish that I could go there and visit one day. My family is excited too. Can't wait!!!

We have been working at the Haunted House on the weekends. We have so much fun. Even my mom was there one night. We scare the crap out of people. And Jeff is so big that he really gets them. Mike, Pam, Sue, Megan, Jeffrey all go too. Sue runs it for the little league fundraiser so we all go and help out. Megan and Karen did all the art work on the trailers and it looks so cool! I will try and get some pictures of it.

Baby Jeffrey is so cute! He is rolling over now and his personality is really starting to show. I love that little stinker!

No more port!

2007-09-19T17:21:00.000-04:00

A lot has gone on. Mom has recovered from diverticulitis. She was so sick. I was so worried. She would get better and then BAM, she would get sick again. She had a long hospital stay but I am glad to say that she is doing so much better.

I had my port removed on Wednesday. I am so happy to have it gone. It’s not that has bothered me but it was just there and it was a nuisance. I had to have it flushed every four weeks and it would ache sometimes. So I am just glad it’s gone. I also had to have a colonoscopy the same day. OMG if you ever had one I don’t even have to explain about the day before and the miserable “prep” as they call it. I had to drink the magic potion at 2:00. After I choked it down I was sitting there thinking. Hmm, maybe the misery everyone talks about won’t be so bad for me, I mean I hardly ate anything yesterday and I haven’t been on anything but liquids since I woke up this morning, Everything was going good for about 40 minutes. Then my sister called and I got up from the computer to answer the phone and it hit me. Sue said, “hi how’s it going” and I said…”good, OH NO, I GOTTA GO!!!!!” and it was downhill from there. I spent the next 4 hours running back and forth from the living room to the bathroom. Sometimes I wouldn’t even make it three steps out of the bathroom and I would have to turn around and go back again. If you have ever eaten a red hot chili pepper and know how bad it burns your mouth, just imagine what it would feel like if you sat on one! Well that’s what I felt like! It was miserable! Then 6:00 came and I had to drink the rest of the potion. I took one drink and had to gag it back into the toilet. I mean I have been through a lot in the last year but this topped it all. I just could not bring myself to drink the rest of it. Megan was cheering me on, but I just couldn’t do it. I did choke some down but I decided I had enough and poured the rest down the drain…….poor drain…lol.

Ok so I was clean as a whistle and ready for my colonoscopy. It went good and I wasn’t nervous at all. I just wanted it over with. I was so chatty with the nurse my mouth got dry from talking. My mom and Sue came with me and then Steve showed up with breakfast for them. I just remember being in the operating room and they were discussing which way the wanted my head, and they turned me twice and then I finally said…”Just put me out and I don’t care what way you put me, you can flip me around any way you want to.”

Then they started putting something in my IV and I said. Oh is that the stuff, and then I said..my ears sound funny then I woke up in the recovery room and felt where my port used to be and thought…OK I must be done, my port is gone. It has been an easy recovery. I was really sore the first 2 days, and now I am just a little sore. Oh, I did have 2 polyps removed that they found, and I had to have a biopsy of an area that was inflamed. They said I may have colitis. I still haven’t heard anything about that yet.

We had a after marriage party for Bonnie and Jeff at Pam’s house Saturday.

I really wanted to have a small reception for them, but Bonnie had family coming in from California and North Carolina so we had a small family and a few of their friends come over for a gathering at Pam and Mikes house. It turned out really nice. Jeff’s friends dad came and set up karaoke and I have to say, we had so much fun with it. Jeff was so funny. He makes me laugh. He was the life of the party as usual.

It was very casual. We had Pizza and beer and little ham and turkey roll up sandwiches and a variety of salads. I also bought a cute little wedding cake. We had a lot of fun! I still wish we could have thrown a nice reception for them and invited all my family and friends but they are truly happy with the party they had.

Baby Jeffrey is getting to be so much fun. He loves to smile! I love him so much. He makes me smile!

Moms in the hospital

2007-09-06T09:52:00.000-04:00

My mom’s in the hospital! She is really sick. She went in with stomach pain on Friday and has been in since then. They diagnosed her with diverticulitis. That is the same thing Jeff had 2 years ago only his ruptured. She has an obstruction that is causing the pain and the way they treat it is, no food or liquid. She has not eaten anything in 5 days. She is doing ok one minute then terrible the next. It is so hard for me to see my mom like this. She is breaking my heart. A surgeon came in today and said that they will continue to monitor her. She drove herself there on Friday, (which I am still not happy about) but she said she didn’t want to bother any one until she knew what it was. I was leaving for camping and she didn’t want to ruin my trip! I got a call from Mike and he told me. I didn’t know what to do because we were pulling out of the drive way. We were only going an hour away so my family told me to go and set up the camper and then they would let me know what was going on. I was so upset. I felt so guilty as we were driving there because she was at every appointment for me and here I am going camping.

I kept in touch the entire weekend and then headed up to the hospital as soon as we got home and dropped off the camper. They had to put a tube in her nose and down to her stomach to help with the stomach fluid. She was so miserable. When I was there the other day she sneezed so many times she sneezed the tube right out of her nose! She was so upset! Now we laugh about it but at the time I was horrified! They left the tube out but the doctor that saw her today said if she keeps getting sick then they will have to put it back in. I hope she is better tomorrow….L ……………

update… I just talked to my mom and she is feeling really good. She had a good night and they let her eat something this morning! I am so happy! She has been so miserable.

Our camping trip was really fun. We just sat around relaxing for 3 days. It was a really nice park but the flies were just awful! I turned into the crazy fly swatter lady! I was in the camper while Jeff was taking a nap swatting at flies for an hour. When I think about me and that fly swatter I can’t help but laugh. We had a nice time, but I just couldn’t help but think about my mom the entire time.

I actually quit work the other day but I am somehow still working…. I don’t get it either but I am there. I am just going to go in until things settle down and they can find a permanent replacement for me.

Now for the great news! I found out my friend Jacqui from New Zealand is coming to visit me! We have not seen each other since 6th grade. I am thinking that is about 29 years ago. She moved here from New Zealand with her family and they lived down the street from me. They lived here for 1 year and we were really close. I can still remember crying and waving as their car pulled away to go to the airport knowing that I would never see her again. We kept in touch with letters and then when email came out we started e-mailing each other. I am so excited that she is coming. She will stay with me for 2 weeks!! How cool is that???

1 Year ago today.

2007-08-22T15:57:00.000-04:00

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we?ll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain

(Little Wonders by Rob Thomas)

Here is the link to the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1ra4OAYKeM

These are the lyrics from one of my favorite songs. It’s sums up what Jeff and I have been through in our 23 years of marriage. When I think about all the struggles we have been through this song always comes to mind.

We have been through Jeff getting laid off from a job after 10 years, Megan being born at 3 lbs. premature, Jeffrey being in a bad car accident, Jeff’s colon rupturing, and family deaths. But 1 year ago today our world was truly shaken. It was the thing that no one ever wants to hear. “You have cancer” “malignant” “chemotherapy”. It was 1 year ago today that I walked into my surgeons office with my mom and sisters and waited for him to come into the room and tell uswhat I already knew in my heart. I went back and read my early posts and I just can’t believe that a whole year has gone by. I neverthought I would get through it. But I did! I did it with the help of my family, relatives and friends. There were days on chemo when I just didn’t want to do it anymore, but I would go to the mailbox and I would get a beautiful card from someone and know that I had so much support and it kept me going. My mom was here for me on my worst days. I would call her at 11:00 at night crying and she would drop everything and come over. She was at every appointment and test with me. My sisters would come over and rub my legs and feet when I was in pain from the chemo. Sue brought me Resee Puffs at 10:00 one night when I told her I was craving them. And Pam would come over and clean my house like the white tornado.

Jeff was so good through everything. I know it was really hard for him. He couldn’t even look at me without his eyes filling up with tears for the first few weeks. He felt so bad because he couldn’t go to my appointments with me, but he had to work. He would call me all day to see if I was ok. Then he would come home and tell me how cute I looked with my little bald head.

My kids went through a lot too. They are older but still need their mom. They were so used to having a hands on mom who was always there for them and I was so tired and sick I just couldn’t be that mom they were used to. I know it was hard for them to see me like that but they were so mature about it.

One year! In that one year I have grown so much. I have learned to appreciate every single day. When I was at my worst I would tell my mom, “I can’t do this anymore” and “I will never be the same person again”. Well I DID do it! As for being the same person…. I have to say I am the same person, but I see life different now. I’ve learned that I don’t have to complain about the little things. And I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was.

Thanks to everyone who sent a card, an email, a gift, called me, or thought about me! I felt everyone’s love and still do.

And to all my friends that are still fighting this dreaded disease. Don’t stop fighting! You can do it.

My last Oncologist appointment for a while!

2007-08-14T01:30:00.000-04:00

I went to the Oncologist last Wednesday and he reassured me that everything is fine! I am so happy. I have been so worried but he walked in the door and I said, “hi, it’s your two favorite people” (me and My mom) and he said your right! Then he said “congratulations!” Your MRI came back clean! I don’t have to go back and see him for 3 months. You don’t know how happy that makes me. I am so sick of that place. He said to go ahead and make the appointments to get my port out and he also thinks it is a good idea like my surgeon suggested that I get the colonoscopy at the same time. I have to call and make the appointment this week. Yay! I get to have my port out. Besides the boy haircut I have the port is one of the last remaining reminders that I HAD breast cancer. I like saying HAD! He also put me on some medicine for the neuropathy that I am having. (arms and feet going numb) He said it is nerve damage from the Taxotere. That was one of the chemo drugs I was on. I also have to take Centrum every day. I have to say though I am feeling like my old self again and I am loving it. I even started doing eBay again and am doing really good with it so far. I just need to get organized and put some more stuff on. The worst part of ebaying is mailing the stuff out. Sometimes I am at the post office 3 times a week. In fact they all know me there. They were great through the BC ordeal. I went in a couple times and they had gifts for me!

Baby Jeffrey is 2 months old already. He is so darn cute. He is smiling more and more every day. Bonnie went back to work so I am babysitting now. I love it. I am just glad I have the energy to do it.

Megan bought her first car. It is cute. It needs some work but it is her first car. We brought it home and she washed it and waxed it and vacuumed it all out. I bet it will be cleaner that her room!

Jeff and Bonnie are planning the party to celebrate their marriage. They mentioned having an 80’s themed party. How funny is that. I told them I will probably be able to spike my hair up with some glue by then. Maybe color it purple..hee hee. Hows that for the mother of the groom! They are excited about it. I know they wish they could have had a nice wedding but they are really happy that they are married.

I think we are going to an auction this weekend. We love to go to auctions I haven’t been going to many, but we did stop at one the other day. It’s funny because I keep running my hand through my hair (it’s a new habit I got since my hair started growing in). Well every time I would lift my hand and put in through my hair, Jeff would go “you just bid on that”. hee hee. Too funny.

I’m off to bed! It’s late. Take care!

Back from vacation and good news.

2007-07-31T17:19:00.000-04:00

I am home from vacation. We had such a nice time. We were camping in Muskegeon on Lake Michigan for 10 days. Just a lot of hanging out with my family, bike riding, long car rides exploring, and eating! On the second night there we had a king crab leg feast. It was so good. My sister Sue deep fried some shrimp for me because she knows how much I love it. I must have ate 30 shrimp myself. I am craving it right now. Pam and Mike had so many funny jokes to play on us. My friends Vic and Panda came for a few days with their daughter and Megan and George came up on Thursday with the dog. We all had so much fun and it was just what I needed.

While I was camping I got a call from my son Jeffrey who said he was lost in downtown Detroit because he was going with Bonnie to pick up his marriage license. Then he told me that they would be married the following Monday. Huh What? I had my biopsy scheduled for the same time they picked to be married so they changed the time to 11:00 a.m. Monday morning. So yesterday Jeff, Bonnie, Her mother and I all went downtown and they got married in a short but very sweet ceremony. Yup Jeffrey and Bonnie are married! They will have a little party in celebration later in the year, but since the baby was born they just wanted to be a family. They are really happy and they are even going on a little honeymoon on Thursday.

Right after the wedding I had to get home and be to the doctor by 1:00. They had scheduled a biopsy for me. I went to the breast center and they did an ultra sound. The tech found a cyst, but the lump that we can feel would not even show up on the ultra sound so they are sure it is just breast tissue. They assured me that everything looked good in my right breast so they didn’t do the biopsy. Yipee! I was not looking forward to the biopsy and I am so relieved they are confident that there is nothing to be worried about. I am wondering what my oncologist has to say about this since he ordered the biopsy and they didn’t do it. I also have to talk to my surgeon and see what he thinks. Who knows they may want it out anyway. Now I just have three more procedures to get done. I am choosing to have my ovaries removed because of my high risk of ovarian cancer, I have to get my port removed, and then I have to have the colonoscopy. I didn’t realize how down I had been until the ride home in the car with Pam and I broke down and cried. I had been so scared. I was so afraid that it was going to turn out to be cancer again. I had been in such like a blank mode. I was doing things and going along with my vacation but I was really lost there for a while. Now I can move on. My hair is growing and I am feeling stronger everyday. I only had a few times on vacation where I napped all day, so I am on the comeback. I still have to decide if I am going to go back to work. Jeff wants me to quit my job and stay home and focus on our eBay sales and I also think I will be babysitting for Jeff and Bonnie.

The baby grew so much in 10 days. He is really filling out, and so much more alert. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on him when I got home. I love him so much. He is such a cutiepoo!

Biopsy scheduled but first VACATION!

2007-07-18T02:37:00.000-04:00

I got a call from my oncologist office. They said that I needed to make an appointment with my surgeon because they want to biopsy the lump. She said that they think it is a cyst but because it is so close to the chest they don’t want to call it a cyst. A cyst sounds good to me. I went to my surgeon he felt the lump too and he wants me to have a ultrasound guided biopsy. Personally I just want the thing removed. Out of me! The thing is I am leaving for vacation Thursday and he wanted me to have it done before I left, but they couldn’t schedule it before then. Then the Breast Cancer Center calls me and tells me they want to do another ultrasound. Now I am just confused. Why do I have to have another ultrasound? I have no idea. So I have an ultrasound the day after I get back from vacation. I have to go get my port flushed tomorrow at the oncologist office so I will be stopping by the front desk for sure to ask what the heck is going on. But ya know what? I am going on my vacation and I am not going to worry about it. I am sick of it. I just want to go and have fun and not think about cancer and that’s what I am going to do!

My cousin Linda and her family came to visit from New Jersey and we had such a nice time. They went to check out The University of Michigan, (her husband Tony is a big fan) Checked out Tiger Stadium and Comerica Park. We had a nice dinner at Pam’s house on Saturday. Then on Sunday we all went to breakfast. She has the sweetest kids and they are just beautiful. I really enjoyed their visit. I hope we can go to New Jersey and visit them next year. I wanted to go this year but it is just not working out.

I am so ready for vacation. I have the camper packed and ready to go. Jeff has to check the lights and make sure everything is working right and then off we will go! I am really going to miss my kids and baby Jeffrey. And I am really going to miss my dog too! I wish I could take him, but last year he was just a pain in the butt.

I have to go get some sleep. I have to go get my port flushed in the morning and I am not looking forward to it. It’s not that big of a deal it just creeps me out. I will be so happy to get it taken out.

OH I forgot something….My surgeon wants me to have a colonoscopy when thebiopsy ordeal is over!! OH GOD! What next! I have to say I walked out of his office with my butt cheeks clenched together! Not looking forward to that AT ALL!

I Went For My Tests

2007-07-12T01:47:00.000-04:00

Well I went for my tests. I won’t know anything until I go to my oncologist on Tuesday. When I went in for my mammogram my sister Pam and my mom went with me. I felt so bad because they had to wait while I was in there for about an hour and a half! I felt like I was having deja vu . It was the same thing as last year. Take a film she leaves the room, comes in takes another. I have to say it really hurt. The left side because of my surgery and radiation and the right side because of my port! She had to squish my port into the machine to get all the breast tissue up to the muscle. She tried to pull the port aside and do the films, but she came back and said, “ I know this is going to be uncomfortable for you but I have to get the film with the port in it because I am not getting all the area he needs to read the film. Whatever, I bit my lip and let her do what she had to do and thought myself, you have been through worse, you can do this. Then she came in and told me he wanted to do an ultrasound. So I go in for the ultrasound, and she has me show her exactly where the lump is. Then she finds it on the screen. Then I say…“does it look bad?” and she says…well unfortunately I can’t say anything, and the radiologist on duty has NEVER come in and talked to a patient since I have been here in 7 years! She said there are 4 radiologist and only 2 will come in and interact with the patients. (one of them I had last year and he came in and told me that I needed to have a biopsy) Then she says, ok I am going to go have him take a look at these and I will be back to let you know if I need more views. Ok so I’m waiting…..waiting….and the door opens…here she comes…and who’s behind her….OH GREAT! It’s the radiologist. He came out of his office after 7 years just for me! He says it is so close to the chest wall they are having a hard time just calling it a cyst. He has me show him where it is and they do another ultrasound and he shows me the lump on the screen that looks to be the size of a extra large pea. Then he says, “you see that white spot?, that tiny white spot has the characteristics of a cyst but I just can’t be sure, so I think you need to have it surgically removed just to be sure.” Then I say thanks and all that polite stuff, he leaves the room and the poor ultra sound girls looks at me horrified and says….“OH MY GOD! I am so sorry, I should never have said he has never talked to a patient.” At this point I am sayingto her.. “it’s ok!” and “don’t worry”, I told her it was fine and I am not any more scared than I would normally be just because he decided to grace me with his presence.

OK on to the MRI today.

We walk in and there is no one in sight. So my mom goes on a hunt to look for someone. Here comes the lady she doesn’t seem to happy to be at work….uh oh….she gives me a clipboard full of papers to fill out and sign and then my moms cell phone rings..It’s Sue she is worried about me and wants to know what’s going on. The lady looks up from her desk and says to my mom, “you can’t use your cell phone in here, so my mom gets up and try’s to walk away, and the lady say’s, “you can’t walk around with it either.” Then my mom say’s to Sue, “ I have to hang up, I’m getting yelled at!” Then my mom hangs up and make a noise like PFFTTT! I just keep my nose in the papers and stay our of it. So she calls me back to do the MRI, yes she is doing the MRI. Miss pissy pants herself! GREAT! I have to have an I.V. so she starts to look for a vein, and at that point I’m thinking, ok she’s mad at my mom and going to poke the bejusus out of me now. So I say, “sorry about the phone thing”…Hee hee. I don’t think it worked because she missed a vein twice and finally had to move to another spot on my arm and missed again, then finally got it. She did finally warm up to me because I am just so easy going and talkative that I pulled her out of her funky butt mood she was in. The test went ok. I had to lay in a tube for 30 minutes with both of my boobs hanging through holes, on my stomach with my arms over my head like superman. It was just like last time, toward the end I started freaking out a little but just stayed focused and even started thinking about going camping to keep my mind busy. I’m just glad it’s over. I hate all the testing. I know it is going to be a part of my life from now on and I hate the thought of it. It makes me angry.

On a happy note, my cousin Linda is coming from New Jersey with her family to visit this Friday. I am so excited to see her. She has kept in touch with me throughout this entire ordeal. She calls and emails me all the time. She is such a sweetheart. Her kids are just beautiful. I can’t wait to meet them. It should be a nice visit. I am really looking forward to this.

Baby Jeffrey is filling out really good. He is such a good baby. He is starting to look at things and notice things around him. He will look at me when I talk to him. I have to say I am a big goof when it comes to him. I was like that with my kids too. I love him so much. My plan is to watch him grow into a man so I have to keep fighting no matter what is thrown at me. I look into his little eyes and can’t imagine not being here to see him grow. Cancer really sucks. It makes you think of stuff like that. You can’t help it. I know my family doesn’t want to hear stuff like that but it is my reality.

I am getting the camper ready for our vacation. I can’t wait to go. I am really looking forward to it. The van broke down last week so we had to get a new radiator and a new belt put on so we should be good to go. By the time we get everything ready to pull the camper we could have gone on a tropical vacation. But I am so content camping. I love it! I plan on floating on a raft in Lake Michigan and forgetting about everything for a while. I will miss my computer. I am taking my little television though. I can’t miss Big Brother! I love that show.

Feeling good and growing hair!

2007-06-30T18:26:00.000-04:00

I have been doing really good and I am feeling so energetic! It’s nice to feel good. I know a lot has to do with having baby Jeffrey around to snuggle on whenever I want to. He is just an absolute doll. All he does is eats, sleeps, and poops at this stage! That’s it! He is starting to have a little more awake time in between feeding and I love holding him and looking into his eyes wondering if he can see me and I keep saying, “I’m Grandma”.

I have been getting the camper ready for our camping trip. I can’t wait to go. Pam, Mike and my mom, and Sue and Steve are going too. Our campers are all in a row. It is right on Lake Michigan. I am really looking forward to it.

I have Bonnie all set with the bottle routine and things like that. I love making the bottles for her though. I remember when Jeffrey was born I used glass bottles and had a steam sterilizer that I would cram everything into. She is doing the platex drop ins and they are so easy. We just boil some water and put the nipples and caps in and drop in the liner and then were done! That’s it! I had them when Megan was born but they are still a lot easier now the when she was born. The gadgets they have now are unbelievable. I used to have a swing that cranked up and Megan would just fall asleep in it and it would stop swinging so would walk over and star cranking it up again and she would flail around like a fish out of water while I cranked it up and then she would start crying. Now they are battery operated. Just push a button and off they go.

My cousin Debbie is well into her chemotherapy and she seems to be doing good. I saw her last Saturday and her hair fell out and she is wearing the cutest wig. She looks good and say’s she feels good too. I think she has had 2 treatments now. I hope she continues to feel good. I love talking to her. She is so sweet. Chemo is so hard. I just hope it doesn’t get to be too much for her.

My sister Sue’s husbands cousin lost her boy in a hit and run accident the other day. It is just devastating. The guy was drunk. He hit him when he was crossing the street on his bike and then just took off. He left his car in a parking lot and walked home like nothing happened, that is until the police found the car and tracked it to his house. I feel so bad for them. I just can’t imagine what they are going through right now. To lose a child like that must be awful.

I have appointments for my tests to check out that dreaded lump in my right breast. I have a mammogram on Tuesday July 10th, then a MRI on Wednesday the 11th. I am really hoping it is just a cyst. I am trying to live day to day without worrying about it, but trust me it is always in the back of my mind that it could be something again. But how? With all that chemo running through my system how could something grow?

Well I thought it was about time I unveiled the hair. So here it is! Little Jeffrey has as much hair as I do!

Not another lump...

2007-06-21T16:55:00.000-04:00

I have been on cloud nine with the baby and being done with treatment. That is until I went to the Oncologist on Tuesday. Everything went good, we talked about the tests I had and how they all came back wonderful, and how I am looking and feeling good. He told me that I wouldn’t have to come back to see him for 3 months and then I would have my tests again. Then he wanted to do a quick exam. He checked all my nodes to make sure there was nothing going on. Poked at my tummy, my neck, under my arm, and then my breasts. He did the left breast that is still sore and burned and raw from radiation and he was very gentle. Then he moved on to my right (the "good" one) and asked me if I have been having any issues with it…..then I told him about the tiny lump I have been feeling very deep near my chest wall. He felt it some more and then said. Yup your right there is something there. Then he sat down with his little pen and started writing stuff down in my file He looked up and said.. “I am very concerned about this lump”…OH GREAT!!! Way to burst my happy bubble! My mom was with me, and I know she is upset. So now I have a new issue to deal with, not even a week out of final cancer treatment. My celebration has been short lived. I have to go in for a breast MRI and a bilateral mammogram in 3 weeks when my radiation burns heal. I know it’s a long time to wait but I have to heal first. I am at a place right now where I don’t even know what to think or feel. I am really hoping that this turns out to be ok. The thought of going through this again right now nauseates me. I know that I will be living with cancer following me around for the rest of my life, the worrying at every test, but not now! Not so soon! I am so worried.

On a happy note, I am enjoying my little bugaboo baby Jeffrey so much. It is just amazing to me that I am a grandma. Jeff is such a good grandpa too. He comes home from work and washes all the grime off him from the day and goes straight for the baby. We all love him so much. He will not lack for love in his life. Auntie Megan is just in love, Jeffrey’s friend Nick is here all the time to help with him too.

Pam has been coming over and helping me get organized since I haven’t had any organization in my life for 10 months. It is amazing how fast things can go down hill in a house! My basement and laundry room are a mess. Pam is like a cleaning machine. Here she is right now. She just walked in the door! Time to go clean!

I'm a grandma, and put a fork in me, I'm done!

2007-06-15T18:42:00.000-04:00

Yay! Bonnie had the baby! What a little cutie poo. He is just adorable. She started having back labor on Wednesday and so about 8:00 Wednesday we took her to the hospital because it was getting pretty intense. They sent her home and said she wasn't dialated. At about 12:15 Jeffrey came running into the kitchen saying Bonnie's water broke, so back we went! She was dialated to 1 so the waiting began. By 3:00 in the morning she was at 2, and by 6 she was only at 4....so we waited...the doctor came in about 8:00 and said she was at 10. She pushed for 1 hour and 45 minutes and the baby was born at 10:06 Thursday June 14! It was so exciting. I was in the room with her and so was her mom and Jeffrey. I stood by her head and grimased at every push! At one point she look at Jeffrey and in a cute little cry for sympathy said.."why did you do this to me"? She had the death grip on his head and I even saw her grab onto his hair...LOL. Here I am saying.."come on Bonnie, you can do it", (this coming from someone who never pushed out a baby, I had 2 c-sections) and by the last 15 minutes of pushing she was exhausted and saying she couldn't do it anymore. So I said, come on Bonnie get pissed and push that baby out!" She started pushing again and out popped Jeffrey Francis Ehrenberg III. We are all on cloud nine. Megan was so cute, she stood by the window just waiting for us to come out and tell them. Bonnie is still in the hospital, they are coming home Saturday. I can't wait.

Put a fork in me I'm done! I had my last radiation! That's it! I'm done like dinner. I got a certificate and everything. I am officially done with cancer treatment. Whew, what a feeling. I made it through the good the bad and the ugly. It will be a year on June 24 that I went to the doctor and told her I had a lump in my breast. From there it has been a whirlwind. Now I can sit back, relax, and enjoy my new little grandbaby! Oh how I love him!

Time to party like a rock star!

The Relay, and Megan graduates!

2007-06-11T23:46:00.000-04:00

I know it’s been a while. So much has been going on!

First of all I did the Relay for Life on the 2nd of June. We had a little rain but it was a wonderful day regardless. I got a medal and 1 strand of beads (you get one for every year you are a survivor). I held the banner for the survivor lap and I was fine until I passed my family and looked their way and they were all crying, then I lost it. We walked all the way around the track and then the caregivers join us for another lap. It was very emotional. I made it about halfway around the second lap then I was exhausted! After that I went to the survivor luncheon with Jeff. It was really nice. My friend Denise who is also a cancer survivor had a shirt on that said, "I am dedicating this relay to Trish Ehrenberg." I was so touched by that. It made me cry. That was so sweet and I think about it every day. I really wish we would have taken a picture together. We had so many people come out to support our team, and we raised a lot of money for cancer. I want to personally thank everyone who donated to my Relay website. It really means a lot to me. Thank you!

Megan graduated on the 7th of June. My little baby girl! She looked so grown up in her cap and gown. The day before I went to her farewell assembly at her school. I sat there waiting for her to walk in with her class, but there she was…peeking from a doorway and waving at me in her cap and gown. I had to choke back the tears when I saw her. She was so happy! I didn’t cry until the band played the Lion King song…lol. The Circle of Life. Oh lord…I pictured the lion king holding up his little cub and it got to me…lolol. Too funny. After that I took her to pizza hut and we met up with some of her friends.

The graduation ceremony went really good and when they said Megan’s name we all cheered like she just won a gold medal! Jeff was yelling, “way to go Iggy!” That’s what he calls her…actually he calls her Iggy Hilton..lol. People always say she looks like Paris Hilton. Now all she needs is a prison outfit and she will really look like her.

Saturday we had her graduation party. I had to have it right away because Jeff and Bonnie’s baby is due July 1st. Her party went great. I got to see all my relatives and friends. It was a beautiful day! So many people came and I was so proud of Megan. Before the party she said, “mom, what am I going to say when people ask me what I am doing now that school’s out?” I told her to hold her head up high and just be honest. She really doesn’t know what she wants to do. She is a great artist so she is thinking of taking some art classes. She has also talked about cosmetology school. She will be just fine. I know she will figure it out soon.

I have my last radiation on Thursday. I can’t believe it! My treatments will finally be over. I have dreamed about this day for months. I am having what they call “boosts” That is when they just focus the radiation on the spot where the lump was removed. I had to have 36 zaps altogether and 8 of them are boosts. I am really sore and peeling but radiation has been a lot easier than chemotherapy. If you look at my picture you can see some of the marks on my chest from the radiation. Now that I look at the picture, Jeffs sunburn looks worse!!

I am really tired all the time but I am actually starting to recover from the effects of the chemo. My knees and hips are not as stiff and I am also getting hair! It is getting really thick too. I colored it the other day to cover the grey and it came out really nice. Can you say…Chi Chi Chi Chia!

Sunday my son's friend asked Megan to play in a co-ed softball game. We went up to the park to watch and when we got there they said that they picther wasn't showing up so Jeff (big Jeff) ended up pitching! It was so fun to watch them play in a game together. Megan did really good! She got 3 hits! And then someone hit it to right field and she actually caught it. She was so funny. She was yelling YAY!!! So was her dad! I loved it. They won too! I hope she plays again.

Sunburns and tattoo's.

2007-05-31T01:39:00.000-04:00

I’ve had 26 radiation zaps already! I can’t believe how fast this is going. I am getting a little crispy and it is really getting sore but I can handle it. You can see just where they are doing the radiation. It is like a bad sunburn that goes under my arm at where the lymph nodes were removed and goes across and under my breast. I have 3 more regular radiations and then I am getting 8 boosts. This is where they concentrate just on the spot where I had the lumpectomy. I was set up for that on Tuesday. The doctor came in and made all these dots all over me and then one of the guys that does my radiation came along and played follow the dots with permanent marker. So now I have a big black circle on my boob. It has to stay there for the rest of treatment. They touch it up everyday, plus he put something on it to make it more permanent. I start at the new place on Tuesday and I am going to miss the guys that do my radiation. I see them everyday! They have become a part of my life! They are so nice. And of course they know my life story because I’m chatty like that…hee hee. It is so funny we talk about how the weekend was, what they did, what I did, and all this while I am laying there with my boob hanging out. lol. My body is finally starting to get back to normal as far as stiffness goes. I can move a lot better now. I am still dealing with fatigue I am so exhausted all day and when I try to nap I can’t get to sleep! It is so frustrating. My stomach was nauseated for 4 days now and I finally decided it was all the pain medication I have been taking. The doctor has me on it 3 times a day to manage the pain in my arm and my legs and it is working on the pain but I am so sick to my stomach. Iccckkkk.

Guess what? While I was at radiation getting marked up with permanent marker, Megan was with her friend getting a tattoo! She is 18 now so she didn’t have me there to do anything about it. Guess what she got? A breast cancer ribbon with a butterfly on it. She designed it herself and took the picture up to the...oh lord...ta..ta..ta..tattoo parlor. Do they still call it that? It is on her lower back and it is tiny but her dad is NOT happy…he won’t even look at it. She said, "mom I did it for you!” I have to say it is cute and I know this was her way of showing me how much she cared. But she is still a baby in my eyes..now she is has a tattoo to go along with her belly button ring, her dad may not recover from this.

Megan's tattoo. The little stinker!

Jeff and Bonnie put the crib put together and it is so cute. She has exactly 1 month until she is due! She has to go to the doctor 2 times a week for non stress tests. She goes to a high risk doctor and they are taking really good care of her. They did a 3D ultra sound the other day and you can see what the baby looks like! I came home and got out Jeffrey’s baby pictures and I swear it looks just like him as a newborn. How weird that they can do that. My ultra sounds were a fuzzy mess!

This weekend is the Relay for Life. It starts Saturday morning at 10:00 at Heritage Park in Taylor. I was told that they would like for me to help carry the banner this year for the survivor lap. I told Jeff and he said…“oh no..I’m gonna have to wear my sunglasses.” He is so emotional about this. I know it will be hard on my family too. I hope the weather is nice. The weatherman doesn’t seem to think it will be, but rain or shine we will be there! Everyone is invited to come and hang out with us.

Megan's prom

2007-05-22T23:53:00.000-04:00

Well Megan had her prom. She was a bit of a promzilla but in the end she looked beautiful and everything turned out nice. I had radiation that day so I got home just in time to do her hair. She only has 6 days of school left and then she graduates. I still can't believe it. She still isn't sure what she wants to do after school and I am not going to push her into going to college even though I know she should. She has some time to think and I hope she figures something out. She knows what I think she should do....lol

I had radiation #19 today and I am starting to get a really good tan! lol. It is so weird you can see exactly where they are doing the radiation. Today I found out they are sending me somewhere else to finish up because they will be doing maintenance on the machine at the hospital. I am kind of bummed because I am so used to going there and I love all the people, but I am sure everything will be fine where they are sending me. I am also bummed because the massage therapy that I was getting at the hospital was free and I don't know if I will still be able to get it at the new place. Aside from being really tired and achy I am getting through this ok. It's nothing like chemotherapy, but I can't wait for it to be over. I haven't worked in weeks but I know now that it is the best thing for me. I finally caved in and realized that I need to listen to my doctor and my husband.

I went to my Jeff's softball game tonight and the old man still has it! He is in the Michigan Softball Hall of Fame and I am so proud of him for that. He didn't want to play this year but I kind of talked him into it. I used to love watching him play when we were younger but the last few years he has lost interest but watching him tonight you can still see that he loves the game.

Well tomorrow is my birthday. I never got to excited about having one but I will appreciate every one that I can get now! I am going out to lunch with my mom and Sue after radiation and then when Jeff gets home from work we are going to go out for dinner if I feel up to it.

I added some pictures of the prom. I am still trying to figure out the new picture format they are using on the journal pages. I think you can click on a picture if you want to see it larger. As you can see I was dressed for the occasion...lol

Bead head day!

2007-05-14T18:17:00.000-04:00

I had a good Mother’s Day. My kids made sure they told me how much they appreciate me and Jeffrey gave me some beautiful flowers, a candle and a mini food processor. Bonnie gave me some wind chimes and a really nice card. Megan rubbed my legs and feet and we talked about the prom coming up this Friday.

I went grocery shopping with Jeff Sunday. It is getting to be a chore once again like when I was on chemo but it had to be done. I have not gone in a couple weeks because I have ZERO energy. I get winded just walking around my house. Today I had radiation number 14 and they could tell when I walked in the door how fatigued I am. They said it was one of the major side effects of radiation. It is no where near as hard as chemo but it does have it’s side effects. I am starting to get red and sore. Today when I woke up I was ready to crawl back in bed again. I showered and got dressed and went to my appointment. I was on the elevator and was on the verge of tears because everything is starting to get to me. I have so much going on and I am so sick of doctors and hospitals. I was putting on my gown for radiation and again, on the verge of tears. I moped into the room when my name was called they could tell I wasn’t having a good day. It is so funny how they know and try to cheer you up. They are all so young! One of the boys could be my son, but I still whip out my boob and let them do what they have to do. So many people have seen my boobs at this point that it makes no difference to me who looks at them. When I was done I had to go have some blood work done and the lady that did it was so nice. She ended up giving me a hug and saying, “don’t give up now girl.” We were meant to meet today because she really made me get myself together and get out of the mood I was in. When I left there I went to the coffee shop in the hospital and got a piece of spinach pie and a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie and ate them in the car on the way home. That’s all it took, I was cured of the feeling sorry for myself day.

I start massage therapy at the hospital on Wednesday to help get my legs and hips moving again. I am still having a hard time walking and being on my feet for too long. I was sitting on the bed with my legs crossed the other day cutting out coupons and Jeff called me. When I went to get up I was gimping around in pain for5 minutes. Lol. They say the massage therapy will do wonders for that so I am looking forward to it.

I am getting more hair! Today I woke up and looked in the mirror and actually had bed head! It was sticking up in one side and fuzzy. It is only about ¾ of and inch but it is starting to look like hair. I tried to put some 6 shampoo wash out color on it the other day to cover the grey but it washed out the first shampoo. I keep walking out of the house and forgetting that I don’t have a hat on then I have to creep back in and get my hat. One of these days I am going to have enough guts to lose the hat. Maybe another month or so it will be long enough.

I found something that Sharon wrote that is helping me get through today.

Dear God Above,

Please help me to deal with my anxieties.

Help me to be thankful for all the good things in my life.

Help me to be a good wife, a good friend, a good sister and daughter.

Please don’t let me dwell or be so concerned with what I don’t have or for the dreams I have in my heart that have yet to come true.

Let me realize that by keeping my faith in you and a prayer in my mind that those dreams could still come true.

Let me express my thanks to you for all the happiness I have known. For the many blessings that you have bestowed on me , and when I do get down and feeling low, please continue to help carry me through the rough times and on through to a better tomorrow, where I can see things in a different light.

Baby shower

2007-05-10T00:54:00.000-04:00

I’m going along good with radiation. I am getting a little sore and my arm feels like it weighs ten pounds but I am good. I asked the doctor about it and she said that it is probably because I have to raise my arm way over my head and hang onto a pole everyday. I have some shooting pains every now and then on my left side under my arm and on my breast where they are focusing the radiation. The one thing that is driving me crazy is the fatigue. It is so bad. I get extremely tired throughout the day. I am also still having some side effects from chemo. I am so frustrated with my body. I have a hard time getting up after I have been sitting. My legs shake and then my knees and hips just don’t want to move. Once I get going I am good, but it is painful. She said it could take up to a year to get back my strength. A year! I don’t have a year, I have a grandbaby coming that is going to keep me hopping. I got some practice with that because I am watched my 3 month old great nephew. I forgot how demanding those little stinkers are. I fed him and burped him and then had to go change my clothes. Lol. He is so cute and such a good baby. I put cartoons on for him and he sat in his little chair watching like he really knew what was going on. I haven’t watched cartoons since my kids were little. Lol Sue and Steve usually watch him but Steve had surgery to remove his gallbladder and have a hernia repaired so Sue had to pick him up from the hospital. Steve is home now and so far Steve is recovering good.

We had the baby shower for Jeff and Bonnie and it turned out really nice. There were so many people there. It was so nice to see everyone. I think everyone had a good time. They got everything they needed to get started with the baby. My family has been great helping me with everything. I have no energy and they all just pitched in at the shower and made it happen. My friend Judy stayed and helped clean up and I was so grateful. That was so nice. I stressed over that shower for months and now it’s over. lol

Now I am starting to send out invitations for Megan’s graduation. I fear that everyone will think…oh no….another Ehrenberg party!! I am going to have her party early because the baby will be here in 8 weeks! Megan has been so good through all of this cancer stuff. It is her senior year and her mom is sick, so I really think she deserves this party. Her prom is May 18th. We borrowed a dress from someone and it had to be altered so I have to pick it up Thursday. It is just beautiful. When we went to the dress shop the lady said…“oh that is last years dress“….and I Megan goes,
“I know, I borrowed it from someone!” How grown up is that. She could have been a little snot about it and got mad about not having the newest dress that everyone is wearing, but she is happy with her dress and she looks just beautiful in it. I can’t wait to post pictures.

Yesterday my doctor told me that she doesn’t want me to go to work for a while. I have been really run down so she is concerned. I told her that I only watch kids eat lunch and clean up after them but she still thinks I need to stay home. I went to work Monday and was so tired that I just wanted to lay on the lunchroom floor. School ends soon and Jeff thinks I should just take the rest of the year off too but I am so stubborn. I will have to see how I feel in the next week.

Boy of Boy oh Boy!!

2007-05-03T23:09:00.000-04:00

Boy oh boy oh boy! What a week it has been. My emotions have been all over the place. The minor stuff I can handle, like my fridge still being broke, and how much it is going to cost to fix it. It is the main board that controls the fan that was out so I have to get it replaced. I am not too fond of the guy that is fixing it but since I already paid them to come out and just look at it so I am stuck now having him fix it. If your wondering why I am not so happy with the guy..he just made a really stupid remark about cancer to me and I handled it good but when Jeff heard he was so pissed off! He called the company and told on the guy. I didn’t want him to but he was extremely mad. If you want to know what he said email me and I will tell you. I called and told them that my husband wanted someone else to come and do the work but he is the only one that works on refrigerators. Whatever. I am going to be so embarrassed when he comes back…not for me but for him! Some people just don’t think before they say things.

(UPDATE) I called in a new company to do the work AND it was much cheaper. I am out $55.00 but I don’t even care anymore!

And another minor thing is paint spilled all over my carpet in the van. Oil based paint! RED!! I got most of it up with turpentine but now my car smells awful..lol.

Ok…this one can be filed under the slightly major category…..one of my toenails fell off from chemo! I know…YUCK!!! I was horrified! Not only because it is gross but because it is sandal weather. lol

Today I went for my 7th radiation treatment. My cousin Debbie is at the same hospital because she just had surgery for uterine cancer. It makes the fridge and the paint drama just seem so trivial. I am so sick of bad news.

Yesterday when I was there I went to see her before surgery. She is in really good spirits. I told her that she can do this!! No matter what they throw at her she can do it!! I had to go home but my mom stayed with them through the surgery. The doctor told them that it was also in her ovaries, so she has to have chemotherapy. I feel so bad for her she is such a sweetheart. I went in and checked on her today when I went to radiation and she seems like she is in good spirits. When I was leaving they were getting her up to walk. I never realized how much we had in common. We talked about the T.V. shows we watched and had a really nice talk.

My friend Kim that has a journal just got bad news too. She has been battling along with me for months, and within the last week found out that she has spots in her lungs, spine and brain. She has been such an inspiration to me through my treatment and I would read her journal and know that I could face anything I was going through. I hate that she has to go through all the treatments again. I know it was hard for her the first time. The link to her journal is on my sidebar to the left of my journal. It's called "I Shaved My Legs for This?" She is such a good writer and has such a great outlook.

I am getting ready for the baby shower on Sunday. Only 8 more weeks and I will be a GRANDMA! I am so excited. I know the shower will turn out good but I am having party planning anxiety. Lol I have counted shower prizes and favors 5 times and I come up with a different number every time! Lol. I give up!! As soon as the shower is over I have to get Megan’s graduation party invitations out….yi yi yi…

My hair is growing in really good. I can get a nice lather going now too! I love it. I am still not ready to go without a hat or scarf though. I think within a couple weeks the world will get to see my new doo! I lost 3 more pounds since last Friday so that makes 10 pounds. It was all that bloat from the steroids and it is just melting off. I feel so much better and I even wore my jeans on Sunday.

So far the radiation is going good. I have a little pain but I can handle it. It is so depressing in the waiting room though. There are so many sick people out there. It is weird because I feel so bad for them, I don’t see myself like that. They might be thinking the same thing about me! lol

Drivers license pictures...YUCK!

2007-04-28T15:09:00.000-04:00

I’ve had 3 zaps and so far I’m doing good. Monday I start on a regular schedule so that is good. I have so many appointments lined up for the next couple weeks. Radiation is a breeze so far and everyone there is so nice.

I have fallen into kind of a depressed mode lately. I don’t know why. It’s just not like me. I think when you go through something like this you keep going and doing everything you have to do to get better and it all just catches up with you after a while. I am frustrated because my mind feels good but my body is just not like it used to be. I can’t just bend over and pick up my dogs toy like I used to because now it takes everything I have to get up again. I walk up the stairs and have to stop at the top because I am exhausted. I walk down the stairs and my knees just don’t want to work. Chemo does a number on your body. Then coming off of all the steroids after you have been on them for 7 months is hard to adjust. I have lost 7 of the 20 plus pounds I gained from them though.

Jeffrey bought a new car last week and I had to do all the running around for it because with his new job he gets home when everything is closed. I had to go to the Secretary of State and get his plates and registration so while I was there I decided I might as well do all my stuff too. I had to renew our plates and I also had to renew my drivers license. I couldn’t mail it in this time I had to go up there and get a NEW PICTURE!!! Oh great, a nice new puffy faced, bald headed picture! So I wore my pink scarf, and my finest sweat suit and headed up to the DMV. I even wore extra eye liner. I was number 70 and they were on number 30 so I sat there and waited for my number. After about 10 minutes one of the ladies asked if anyone was here to renew their drivers license so I got line with about 10 other people. I told her I had plates to renew too and she said when I am done with my license I can sit and wait for my number to be called. It was my turn and I had my eyes checked then she started my paperwork. And then she whispered, I am just going to go ahead and do your plates now too! I was so thankful to her. She said you don’t need to be in here waiting in line with all these people. Who knew cancer had it’s perks! Ok now it was time for the dreaded picture, I stood there all proud and beaming with my little pink scarf on because there was just nothing I could do about it so I decided I was going to rock my pink scarf and just smile. Click…she took the picture, then she calls over the other lady…for some reason it was taking a full body shot of me….lol so they said…ok we are going to take one more…click…full body shot again. This went on and on and by the 5th time I was laughing so hard I couldn’t even pose for the picture. They took 7 pictures in all, and then decided they were just going to use my old picture! Can you believe it. I stood there in front of 50 people getting my picture taken 7 times and they use my old picture. Everyone hates that moment when you stand up and get that dreaded drivers license picture taken. It’s awkward and nobody likes to do it but by the time I was done everyone around me was rooting me on. So it all worked out in the end.

It is a beautiful day out today but I am so tired. I think I am going to go take a nap.

Radiation begins!

2007-04-24T23:33:00.000-04:00

I waited ten days to hear from someone about starting radiation and this morning I get a call saying, can you be here at 11:45? Yikes no time to think! I was really nervous about it. I called my mom and she came to my rescue. Today was actually a dry run, I start tomorrow and I don’t really have a schedule yet. I have to do it at their convenience because there are no regular time slots open. So starting tomorrow I will go everyday except Saturday and Sunday for 7 weeks for a total of 35 treatments. That means I will end some where around June 12. I heard it takes longer to change your clothes than it does to do the treatment.

Today I had to lay on the table in the little form they made for me and this huge machine rotated around me and they made sure everything was lining up right. They also gave me a little bar code on a card that I have to scan everyday and it lets them know I am there for treatment. Then I go into the changing room and change into my lovely gown. Then I just wait for my name to be called.

My joints are still so sore from treatment that I feel like the tin man. I need an oil can. I have a really hard time walking up and down the stairs because my knees are so stiff. I couldn't figure out what was going on until my friend reminded my sister that I was on steroids for so long it is probably from that.

My refrigerator is still broken. Oh, it makes ice and I can use it but it is just not as cold as it should be. So I ordered the part (an evaporator fan) that I needed and put it on yesterday…guess what…still not working….I am so frustrated. I was sure it was that part because it was not rotating. Well, the new one isn’t either, which makes me think that something else runs that fan and needs to be replaced also. I may have to break down and call in a repair man.

I have so much going on right now that I am losing my mind. I have the baby shower, then I have the Relay for Life and then Megan’s graduation party! Thank god for my family, they are so helpful. Megan has the prom in between all this. I back into my hectic world. It’s funny how when I wasn’t feeling well everything was just going on around me and I didn’t even notice or care to get stressed out about it. I am just going to take a deep breath and let things fall into place.

Ms. Fix it!

2007-04-16T23:33:00.000-04:00

I went to work today and aside from my joints being stiff I did really good. I was a little tired when I got home but still managed to go to the deli and get some stuff done around the house afterward. We have needed a new kitchen faucet for about 4 months now. It worked, but the hot water handle was broken so every time I needed to use it I had to reach under the sink and turn it on from there. Yes my man can put in windows but he’s no plumber.

Yesterday we went to Home Depot and bought the new fixture. Today when I came home from work it was sitting on the kitchen table and I walked by it about 5 times and then decided I was going to fix it myself! I crawled under the sink and turned off the water and then went and got a pillow to lay on and crammed myself under the cabinet and started wrenching. I got the first nut off no problem, but the other ones were stubborn. When Jeff came in from work all he could see was my feet stinking out from under the sink. I was so determined to do this myself but I just didn’t have the strength to get the rest of the nuts loosened so Jeff came to my rescue! When he got them loose I told him to get lost so I could finish it myself. He was laying on the couch saying “how’s it going in there Trish?” I called him in when I was done so we could watch the hot water flow out of my masterpiece. It was so nice to do something productive! I have always been the one to fix things around the house. I put the bathroom faucet on about a year ago, years ago I tore apart the refrigerator when the defrost timer went out and put it on myself. We got about 3 more years out of it and now Sue has it in her garage! My washer broke once and I took that apart and discovered it was just a wire that had come loose during the spin cycle. I added a phone line in Jeffrey’s bedroom when he was younger so we could hook up the internet in his room, and I can change electrical outlets too! I always watched my dad fix stuff around the house. He had four girls and I was the youngest. I would always hang around and watch and hand him the tools he needed. I knew what needle nose pliers were when I was five. I hate when I have to call in a repair man for something. My refrigerator is acting up and I have only had it for 3 years. My warranty went out in December so now it’s up to me. I guess I will be taking that apart soon and trying to figure out what’s wrong with it! Jeff can hand me the tools….lol

Today when I came in from work my dog was sitting on the couch waiting for me. I walked in and had the left the door open, so after I put my purse on the kitchen table I walked back in the living room to shut the door and said to Dabny (my dog) HEY LOVERBOY!!! And guess what????….the mailman was on my front porch putting the mail in my mailbox! OMG! I just crept away and then shut the door when he left. Hee hee. Can you imagine? A bald lady saying HEY LOVERBOY to the mailman! He must think I’m a nut job. How do you explain that one? “Ummmm. I was talking to my dog“….lolol

Jeff’s fiancé Bonnie spent most of Saturday in the emergency room because she was having a hard time breathing. She was getting ready to leave for work and you could see her gasping for breath. She called the doctor and they said to go to the hospital. They gave her a breathing treatment and it didn’t help at all, so they decided to do some test because they wanted to rule out a blood clot in her lung. Thank god that’s not what it was. She has a virus and they gave her an inhaler to use and she is doing much better. Her belly is getting so big! I got to hear the babies heart beat while we were there. I was sitting there listening to it thinking…that’s my little grandbaby in there! I am so excited. This baby is going to be such a blessing after all my family has been through. I just can’t wait to get my hands on the little guy.

Radiation

2007-04-12T20:06:00.000-04:00

I went for my radiation simulation yesterday. This is where they set me up for my treatments. My mom, Pam and Sue came with me. I was a little nervous because I didn’t know what to expect. They called me back, and I had to lay on a table on and rest my head and shoulders on a foam block. It looked like one of the things that come in the box when you buy a new television.

It was covered in plastic and they poured some thick goopy stuff over it and then position me how they wanted me to lay. I had to lay with my left arm up over my head and hold onto a pole that was by my right shoulder. The foam got really hot until it hardened from the chemical. This took about 5 minutes. So there I lay holding onto the pole and my hand and arm are starting to fall asleep. It was driving me crazy, I just wanted to shake it out. I asked if I could move it but she said I had to hold it up there another 15 minutes. I couldn’t move because the doctor had to make some markings with magic marker.. I have X’s and marks all over me. Then they started to do a CAT scan, and the computer froze up. I finally got to put my arm down while they rebooted the computer and what a relief. I had to do the CAT scan again and then they had to tattoo some marks so they know exactly where to do the radiation. I’m not going to lie, it hurt! I had 4 tattoo’s in all. I got dressed and went out to where my family was waiting and when I saw them I started crying like a big baby. I don’t even know why! I think I am just sick of all the poking and prodding. I had to sit down for a little bit before we could leave. Oh before we left I dragged them all into the bathroom and showed them my magic marker marks and my tattoo’s! The tattoo’s are just little dots and only like little freckles. The girl that did them said my skin takes to tattoo ink really well and if I ever get a real tattoo it would come out nice. Hmmm should I get a tattoo?

Oh I have news! Jeffrey bought Bonnie an engagement ringand put it in her Easter basket on Sunday! He did such a good job, it is a beautiful ring. She was so excited and they were so cute. I was in the kitchen with Megan and we could hear them and we were clinging together crying. Hee hee.

I have to wait for a call from the hospital,they said 5-10 days before I start radiation. I am feeling so good lately that I am planning on working when I can. I already asked them to schedule me for after work. I have come such a long way already. When I look back now I can’t even remember how miserable I was!

Jinxed?

2007-04-07T23:09:00.000-04:00

I went to my radiology appointment. Just getting there was fun. My mom was following Pam’s car because she had to go to work and didn’t know how long we would be there. So were driving along and a car just like Pam’s gets in between us. We turn right and Pam looks in the rear view mirror and guess what? No mom! She starts following the wrong car! Lololol. I had to call her on her cell phone and she picks it up and say’s…I know…I am following the wrong car…Then she finally catches up with us while we pull over and wait. We pull into the parking lot and you have to push a button and tell them why you are there so they can lift the gate…Pam does it no problem, mom does it…nothing…nobody answering her…she is sitting there getting frustrated and we are cracking up watching from our parking spot. They finally decided to open the gate for her after about 5 minutes. Lol

This visit was a consultation. I talked to my radiology oncologist. He is so nice. He is so determined that when he is done with me I won’t have to worry anymore. He told me “today I want you to start living like you will never have a reoccurrence.” He told me what to expect, fatigue, some tenderness, some people get radiation burns. I was concerned and he said that people with bigger breast and smaller breasts were harder to work with but mine was “just the right size for him” Then his face turned beet red!!! It was so funny and the three of us sat there choking back grins….Then I said…so your saying I have perfect breasts…lolol. Then we all started laughing.

I feel really comfortable with my doctor. He was so concerned and he also reassured me that having a lumpectomy was the right decision for me. This is something I have been wondering for a while now. I was second guessing not having a mastectomy. Then he was reviewing my records and said there were 2 spots of cancer in my breast. I knew this but Pam didn’t! She was a little freaked out about it. One was Invasive Ductal Carcinoma and the other spot was DCIS which is not an invasive cancer.

I go back Wednesday to get set up for my treatments. I have to lay on a piece of foam and they put me in the position they want me and then they will form the foam to my exact fit. They explained so much to me, Oh and get this, I can’t wear deodorant under my left armpit the 7 weeks of treatment! Ewww! And no deodorant soap either. I may not have any friends after this!! I can only use Dove or Ivory soap. Bonnie is so cute, she came home today from work with a bar of Dove soap for me.

I think my family is jinxed. Megan has a toothache, so I took her to the dentist to see what is going on, and she needs a root canal and a crown! $1,800. Are you kidding me? They sent her home with antibiotics and pain pills. It has been 2 days and she is still in pain. I have to figure out what I am going to do. We don’t have dental insurance but I have to get it fixed for her. I have the number to the dental school and I am going to call Monday and see if I can get her in. I’m still trying to figure out how they can charge that much, I don’t get it. Your at their mercy.

Now this morning Jeff called from work and I knew by the sound of his voice something was wrong. He threw his back out. He went to pick up a piece of steel and fell to the ground and lay there for 10 minutes. He called and told me to bring him something for pain. I got there and he was sitting in a chair. The man refused to leave work! He started hobbling around the workshop trying to help his friend finish building window frames. I wanted to take him to the hospital, but he said he had to get the frames done. I left there about 11:30 and he didn’t get home until 4:30. He is still in pain and said that if it is still there tomorrow he will go to the hospital.

My daughters boyfriend bought her a bunny for Easter! It is so cute! My dog is still trying to figure out if he likes it or not. So now we have a dog, 4 birds, a fish, a hamster and a bunny! In July you can add a baby to that list!

Megan made a video for me! It is so touching and she was so proud to show me. She put it in her MySpace page. I cried when I saw it. I will try and post a link to it.

Happy Easter!

I have good news!

2007-04-02T22:53:00.000-04:00

I have some great news! I went to the doctor today and found out that I am officially in remission!!! Yup That's right cancer free!! I have been waiting for the results for 2 weeks, it was a long 2 weeks, but Yay! I can move on to radiation now. I don’t even have to go back to the Docs for a month! After going every Monday for 7 months, that was music to my ears.

I celebrated until I got home and checked my computer and found out my friend from another journal who has been great support for me and going through this at the same time as me found out today she has a malignant tumor in her lung. She is a fighter I know she is. She is only 3 months out of chemo and now this. It is really hard for me to celebrate knowing what she has to go through. On my sidebar of my journal main page there is a link to her journal. It is "I Shaved My Legs For This?" Stay strong Kim.

I am feeling really good. Aside from being tired I think I might be getting back to normal. My mind is racing with things I need to do because I have done nothing for a few months now. My body is sore like I ran 20 miles and that is from just resuming normal activity! It is so nice to get out and see people. I went to work 3 days last week. I paid for it on Friday when every muscle in my body hurt from walking and wiping tables. That's good though. That means I am getting my strength back.

I have been thinking a lot lately. About this whole cancer thing. When I was diagnosed, I was so scared. I never thought I would hear the word "malignant" but when you do your life changes in a flash. You think....there is no way I am going to be able to handle this. I used to think about that before I was diagnosed. I would think, what if I get cancer one day like Sharon? What would happen if I lost all my hair? But guess what? You just deal with it. You go on and you do what you have to so you can get better. I fought so hard some days when I was on chemo, and there were even days when I told my husband and my family that I just couldn't do it anymore. Some days.....my worst days...Jeff would hear I can't do this anymore at least 50 times. There were days I just wanted to run out the front door away from myself. I would tell Jeff I just want to leave my body here on the couch and run away from it. He would encourage me and I would make it through another day. It hasn't been that long, only a month and 2 weeks since my last chemo, but I am already starting to look back and say...wow..it was hard but I did it!!!! I could not have gone through chemotherapy without all the encouragement I had from my family and friends and I just want to thank everyone. I got so many cards, gifts, phone calls and e-mails. It helped me through everyday. Some days when I was feeling my worst, I would get my bag of cards out and go through them and read the encouraging words. It would get me through another day on the couch. Now I am ready to move on to the next phase of treatment. I go to the radiologist Friday to get set up for radiation. I just want to do it and get it over with. I am looking forward to a great summer. I have so much to do. Baby shower, graduation party and the baby comes the first of July! Then I go camping in July for 11 days!!! I don't know how I am going to leave that new grandbaby!

About my hair, it is starting to grow and I am so used to not having hair and not going through the daily rituals of blow dryers and curling irons that I am thinking I like the no hair thing. But really I am looking forward to having hair on my head again just so I can lose the scarf, just like hair styles.....it gets old!! My eyebrows are filling in and I am starting to get eyelashes on my left eye. Yes just my left eye..go figure. Oh and my hair is growing in with a really weird bald man pattern. Hair on the sides and back, no hair on the top of my head and very front. Hee hee. This should be good.

Feeling Stronger Every Day!

2007-03-27T12:03:00.000-04:00

I am feeling so much better. It has been 1 month since my last treatment and I am finally starting to feel a little normal again. I went to work Friday and Monday. Monday I didn’t last the entire 2 hours. I got really tired and could not stand up any more. I got home and crawled into bed and stayed there for a while. It was such a beautiful day, and I thought I should be outside but then I knew there would be more nice days ahead of me. Jeff made me stay home from work today. He thinks I overdo it. And I do. I go until I drop.

My son's girlfriend Bonnie moved in with us over the weekend. I came home from work yesterday and she was like Cinderella cleaning everything in the house! I told her you clean and I will feed you…hee hee. I can’t believe that in 3 months I will be a grandma! They are so cute together and love each other so much.

I am so proud of Megan, she is a great artist. She is so good at portraits. She can take a picture of someone and draw it perfectly. She just sold another one and she has 3 more orders. If anyone is interested email me and I will hook you up with the best up and coming artist!! She does a great job. She does animals too! I posted some of her work. I am a proud momma!

I have a doctor’s appointment April 2. I still don’t have the results of my CT scan. I am thinking no news is good news!

I think I made my dog lazy. All he does is lay around all day now. I don’t even have to be there. He used to follow me around all day, but all I did way lay around the last 2 months so he got used to it.

Thank you to everyone who donated to the Relay for Life. I will walk a lap in honor of you at the Relay. If anyone is interested in the Relay there is a link on the side bar of my main journal page.

Good Weekend, and the Relay for Life

2007-03-20T12:39:00.000-04:00

I went to my family doctor Monday for a follow up from the hospital. She has treated my asthma for years so she knows all about my lung issues. I still have some wheezing so she put me on some other asthma meds. I also told her about the hot flashes I have all night long and she suggested eating soy products. She said that it really helps some people. I am ready to try anything..bring on the tofu!

Friday I went to the show with my sister. I called her earlier that day and said…”I have to get out of the house and do something.” We had a really good time. We ended up meeting my family at a bar for a late dinner afterward. It was nice to get out and do something.

Saturday I woke up feeling good too. I went to my nephew’s basketball game and then I had to go buy Megan some drawing paper so I visited my mom were she works at JoAnn’s. Then from there I went to Target and walked around for about 2 hours. I bought popcorn and a pop and just wandered around the store. I ended up in the baby section and bought something for the baby. I bought a shirt that says What happens at Grandma’s stays at Grandma’s! And some little booties to go with it. I spent about half an hour in the trail mix section. I really don’t eat the stuff, but I was fascinated by how many different kinds of mix there is! I ended up buying something covered in chocolate, and some honey crunch nuts. When I got out to the car, I sat there for 10 minutes eating trail mix. Not a care in the world. By the time I got home, I was exhausted but I really needed to get out.

Sunday I went out to breakfast with my family, then Jeff took me to the grocery store. So I have been doing ok, I just lose my energy really fast. I am still not supposed to be around people that are sick. That is kind of impossible right now since everyone I know is sick. I was paranoid to touch the shopping carts. I think I will carry some antibacterial wipes in my purse.

I have had a headache for 2 days now. Nothing I take helps but I will take a headache over the chemo misery any day!! I think I just over did it on the weekend. When I feel good I try do too much. And then I just hit the wall.

Below is the link to my Relay for Life page. If i can get it to work...(There is also one to the side of my main journal page) I am in charge of getting all the entertainment and I am starting to plan. I still have to confirm a couple bands, call some clowns and make sure all the special laps are in place. It is so much fun. I am hoping some of you can make it out to visit our booth. My mom is making her famous mostacholi. That is what we sell at our booth to raise money and last year it went over really good. We still need people to join our team! We would love more team members. If you live nearby please come and hang out with us for a while and walk a couple laps. Honestly, this is just something you have to experience to know what I am talking about. I got involved 5 years ago and have been involved since then.

http://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=206040&lis=1&kntae206040=E10838D84FB54128B366AD8931F6C6BD&supId=157296771

I'm Home

2007-03-15T13:36:00.000-04:00

I am home now. They released me from the hospital on Monday and I am slowly getting my strength back. The good thing is I can breath! I was so congested that it was wearing me out. It was so weird, I would start to feel good and then it would hit me again. This went on for 3 weeks until my sister Sue finally made me go to the hospital on Friday. I was still in denial that I had to be there while I was in the waiting room with my sisters. I kept saying...."I feel better now...can we go home"....lol.Sue said.."get up and walk to the atm machine and back and we will see".. The thought of it exhausted me so I knew I was in the right place. I have to say, you see the strangest things in an emergency room. Just random people with the strangest things going on. I wanted them to set my bed up out there so I could just watch people all day. Although people might have though we were the weird ones. I was sitting there with my bald head in between my sisters, and one was rubbing my back and the other was rubbing my head. hee hee

When they finally called me back Sue came with me and we followed to the exam area. We kept walking and walking and finally I said to Sue...I have to stop..and the guy turns around and says.."I should have gotten you a wheel chair" and the stubborn side of me said "I'm ok" and I kept walking.

They gave me triple dose of breathing treatment and started my IV in my port. The doctor came in and was really funny. He cracked a couple jokes and Sue said..."who does he think he is Doctor McFunny. (you know like Dr. McDreamy on Grey's Anatomy). So when he came back in that's what I called him. At this point I was still ready to go home, but he decided to keep me under 24 hour emergency care watch. After many breathing treatments and antibiotics they decided I needed to be admitted. I had so many steroids that my face is really round and my stomach is bloated. I know it will go away but when your bald and feeling not so cute, the last thing you need is a moon face.

I had my bone scan and my CT scan while I was there. My bone scan came back clean! I am still waiting for the CT results. I go to the Dr. on Monday for that. I also had a heart ultrasound, (chemo can cause heart damage), and an electrocardiogram.

My dog missed me so much that when I came home the window shade was broke from where he was sticking his head out waiting for me to come home! When I walked in the door he went nuts. Following me and crying and whining. I love my dog!

I was planning on working this week until all this happened. I feel so lost. I haven't been to work in weeks. I enjoy the kids and my friends so I miss it. I still have a lot ahead of me with the raditaion so I know I won't be back at work everyday. They have to "tatoo" me and get me set up for it. Then I have to be there everyday for 6 weeks. (5 days a week).

My poor mom is going to drop taking care of me. She is here everyday doing the dishes and laundry. I enjoy having her here. We have always been really close but this time we are spending together means so much to me. I am so happy to have her here with me through this.

My cousin MaryLyn came over On Thursday, the day before I went into the hospital and brought my family dinner. It was so good. They were chicken rollups, with cheese and salsa. She even brought the sour cream to go with it. Brownies too! My family loved it, and it was nice to have something ready for Jeff when he got home from work. Thank you so much MaryLyn.

Megan drew some pictures of me in the hospital. They are so cute so I thought I would show them. She is working on a picture of her dad right now. I can't wait until she is done so I can show it off. It is amazing!

I am particpating in the Taylor Relay for Life again this year and I am also the entertainment chair. It is a 24 hour walk for The American Cancer Society. I've known so many people touched by cancer that I have been doing this even before I was diagnosed. This will be my 5 year. It will be very different for me this year as a cancer survivor. It is still hard to believe it. I have had a hard time with this. I always did this for other people and it is hard to accept that I am a part of the reasons to relay now. I will try and post a link to my Realy for Life page. If you have one in your city or town you should try and go just to experience it once. It is amazing!

Thanks to everyone for all your prayers and concern. It means so much to me.

Not Feeling So Well...

2007-03-10T16:48:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone, this is Trish's sister Sue again. Trish has not been feeling too well and on Friday we had to take her to the ER department. She is so weak and was very close to having pneumonia. She has been on antibiotics for 12 days now and they are concerned about why she is not getting better. Needless to say, we are very worried. She feels a little better today, but is on oxygen and just has absolutely no energy. They have been giving her breathing treatments since yesterday, and some other medicines in her IV. They are bringing in an infectious disease doctor to see if they can pinpoint what is going on. She will be there until at least Monday. She has her scans (right there) on Monday too. We'll keep you posted - please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

Feeling better!

2007-03-06T22:50:00.000-05:00

I went to the oncologist Monday and when he saw how sick I was and how bad my chest was rattling they hooked my up with IV antibiotics. I also had a shot of steroids. I am already starting to feel better! I had more energy today than I have had in 3 weeks! I even cooked for my family! I had to sit down a lot but it was nice to get up and do something. Monday I couldn't even walk to my bathroom and today I cleaned it! hee hee. I can honestly say that the way I feel today makes me know that I will be ok. I was getting scared there for a while when I wasn't bouncing back from that last chemo.

My mom came today and did all my laundry. I just can't walk up and down the stairs. She has gone to all my appointments with me! I love her so much.

Megan's 18th birthday is tomorrow! I can't believe my little baby girl is growing up. :(

I have to go next Monday and have all my scans done. A bone scan, and a CT scan of my abdomen, thorax and pelvis. I just know that it will all turn out ok. I will start radiation after my tests are done. I am so ready to have my life back. This had been one heck of a ride. One that I don't ever want to get on again!

Still Waiting to Feel Better.

2007-03-03T19:33:00.000-05:00

I have been so sick! I started to feel better last Sunday but by the time my mom came to take me to the doctor on Monday I went downhill. I took a shower before she got there and then had all I could do to get dressed. My white count was .05 and that wasn't good. I did my shots to boost my white count for three days. (Yay no more shots) My mom stayed with me a few nights because I was that miserable. I have a chest cold now too and I am losing my voice again! Thank god for my family. I haven't done anything or left my house since I went to the doctor on Monday. I am on antibiotics AGAIN and I feel a little better but I have been doing breathing treatments because I can't breath. I am hoping to get back to work soon. I have no energy so I am worried that I might get tired too easy. I mean I only work 2 hours but I am on my feet and I have to say, I get tired just walking to the bathroom. That last chemo really did me in. I think I will start to feel better by the end of the week. I have a doctor appointment Monday, and he will set me up for radiation. I am just glad to be done with chemo. Two of my finger nails are sore and falling off. I know gross!! And my toes hurt so bad about 3 weeks ago and now they are peeling. Ewww. I am getting all the weird freaky side effects. No mouth sores this time thanks to my mom and my Aunt Ann! They ordered some ST 37 from the pharmacy and it worked miracles for my mouth! My mom used to buy it when we were kids and we haven't been able to find it any where. My aunt said it was a special order thing from the pharmacy and she ordered for me. I wish we would have tried it sooner, but at least I didn't have to suffer through mouth sores this last time.

I felt my little grand baby kick yesterday! I am starting to realize I am going to be a Grandma and it makes me so happy!

Well back to the couch for me. I am so sick of my house right now. :(

News Worth Crawling Off the Couch For!

2007-02-23T20:52:00.000-05:00

I have news!! Big News! I am going to be a grandma! My son and his girlfriend are expecting! I knew for a while now but didn’t want to post it because we were still waiting for the details from her ultra sound. She went today and we found out that she is due July 1 and they are having a BOY!!!! We are all very excited. This will be such a happy event for our family, especially after going through so much the last six months. Me, a grandma!!! Hee hee.

I had my last chemo on Monday. What a celebration we had. My mom, sisters, daughter Megan and my sister in law Annie all went with me. We talked and laughed through it all. When I was done the nurses came in and gave me a certificate that they all signed with their best wishes. Then off we went to Olive Garden. When we got there Pam told the waitress that we were celebrating that I was done with chemotherapy and asked if they would bring a cake out when we were done with lunch. I was so hungry and started wondering where the breadsticks and salad were and Pam said… “they are probably back there writing a end of chemotherapy song.” hee hee If you have ever been in that situation for a birthday, you know you just want to crawl under your chair when they all come in clapping and singing….Well, I wanted to stand on my chair! I was so proud and ready to celebrate. We all had so much fun I love my family!

Later that night I went to bingo with my mom and Annie. I promised my mom I would and I am glad I went. Even though I didn’t win I still had a great time. Bingo has gone high tech. They have a machine you play now and you don’t even have to cover your cards! It does it for you. My mom got one for Annie and one for me. We had the ones you dab too. Bingo is expensive! I’m not much of a gambler but I might go again when I feel good.

I am feeling pretty crappy now. It came early this time. Usually I had until about Wednesday but by Tuesday I was not feeling good at all. And I pulled a muscle in my back so I have to deal with that too.

While I am laying there feeling terrible I just say to myself…this is it, you don’t have to do this anymore so just get through it! I say in about 3 weeks I may start to feel a little normal again! YAY!!

I posted some pictures of our celebration. All I can say is good riddance chemo! It HASN’T been fun!!! But I did it!!!!

Chemo Countdown!

2007-02-15T23:09:00.000-05:00

My last chemo is Monday! YAY!! I am on official countdown. I can’t believe how fast it has gone now that I think about it. The never ending hours of laying on my couch are almost over.

That 7th chemo really took a lot out of me. I had no energy. None! I had the usually bone aches and fatigue, followed by a really low white count, followed by bronchitis. I went to the doctors Monday and he gave me a shot of steroids and some antibiotics and I started to feel good by Monday night. And my doctor did confirm the mammogram results and said it was “fabulous”. I did a little house work and laundry, and tonight I even made a good dinner for my family. I never thought I would appreciate feeling so good. I think I am going to go to work tomorrow too. Things are looking up.

My mom, sisters and sister in law Annie are all going to my last chemo with me and then we are going to go out to lunch to celebrate. I’m sure by Wednesday I will be feeling lousy so I am going to live it up until then.

Out of all this, it is the weight gain that is getting to me the most. I just don’t feel like myself and there is no way I can even get my jeans on unless I want to feel like my head is going to pop off. I know the weight will come off when I start my routine again.

My sister Pam was in the hospital for a few days. She had a kidney stone and was in terrible pain. They did a scan and decided to keep her because it was so large and causing a blockage. They were going to have to do surgery and she finally passed it and it was huge. OUCH!!! She is home and doing better now but she still has a few stones and has to follow up with her doctor. She was miserable. She had been so sick and throwing up and was all drugged up and said to my mom…. “if I keep throwing up like this I am going to lose all kinds of weight and then I will be nothing but stick and stones”. She is so funny!

It has been so cold out, and Jeff works outside. I hate the cold and don’t know how he does it. I get frozen just walking out to the car! I appreciate him so much for that. It must be hard to go out and be in the cold all day long. He comes home and is so tired.

My hair is starting to grow! I have fuzzies all over my head. This should be interesting watching it grow back. I have to say it has been nice not doing my hair but I am glad it is growing.

Nearing the end of treatment and trying to hang in there!

2007-02-07T21:45:00.000-05:00

Hi. I’m Trish’s sister, Sue. She is feeling pretty crappy these days, so while I was over today I told her I would type her journal while she dictated it to me! Love you Trish. Here’s her latest:

Went to the doctor last Monday and he was concerned so he sent me for a mammogram. I was having a lot of pain near my incision. I was really nervous but I got through it ok. Got the results - everything is OK - THANK GOD! Went to the grocery store with Jeff on Sunday - even after I had an episode where I had almost passed out. I’m so exhausted - no energy at all. Jeff decided that I should get one of those motorized carts. I walked up to the cart and just stood there looking at it. When Jeff came in from parking the car, I busted out crying. I didn’t want to have to use one of those carts. So I finally had enough nerve to sit down and push the button to start the cart - and nothing…so I decided to walk. I made it down past the deli and to the milk section before I decided that I couldn’t go any further. And so back we went to look for a cart that worked. A lady found us one that worked, and I got in and pushed the button and…ZOOM - HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE PASTRY DISPLAY. I looked back and Jeff was cracking up. I got the hang of it, but every time I turned the corner I almost ran into something. Then I realized that I can change the speed. All in all it was a humiliating experience. I do have to say though, from my new perspective I saw things on shelves that I never even knew the store carried. Everyone should hop on one of those carts at least once to see what they are missing - ha ha. After that fun experience I met my mom and Sue for breakfast and could barely eat. I came home and slept the rest of the day.

My toes are so sore. It is a side effect from chemo. Did you ever watch the Flintstones and see Fred’s toe when a rock falls on it? It’s throbbing away, WAH-WAH-WAH - and looks about 100 times bigger - that’s what they feel like. I can't put my shoes on. When I went to the doctor on Monday, I carried one of my shoes because my toe hurt so bad.

I’m so frustrated - I just want to jump out of my skin. I know I am close to being done, but I don’t think I can take this anymore. I just want to feel normal, and I am afraid I won’t ever feel normal again. I know I will, but it’s so hard to stay positive sometimes.

2007-01-29T04:06:00.000-05:00

I haven’t posted in a while so this is where I’m at.

I am happy that chemo is almost over.

I am sad that my family has to go through this. My mom and my sisters because they already went through it with Sharon with not so good results, and for my husband and kids who have to have a “sick mom” and watch my misery when I am not having a good day.

I am frustrated that I get tired just walking up the stairs. That is why my laundry is suffering. I went down to look for warm socks for Jeff to wear to work and broke a sweat rummaging through the laundry basket!

I am mad that I have gained more than 10 pounds from the steroids and from being in “chemo pause”.

And as my friend Kim from Jland put it, I am PISSED that I have breast cancer! I am also angry that anyone has to have their life disrupted by cancer. The treatment, the side effects, the emotional state it puts you, your friends and your family through. And the surgeries, the constant, doctor appointments, shots and tests.

But most of all I am grateful for my friends and family that are always there for me and understand when I ramble on about my treatment or how miserable I am.

I went to work 3 days last week. It was nice to feel good enough to go to get out of the house. I work 2 hours a day and I am exhausted after the first hour! Lol I really can’t wait to get back into shape and have energy again.

We had a good day Sunday. We went for our weekly family breakfast. This week 13 of us showed up! What fun. It’s so nice to get with the family and catch up with everyone’s week. Last week at breakfast, Jeff was talking to Sue and he said something about his “ball and chain” (me!) and Sue goes…you mean your BALD AND CHAIN!!! Very funny Sue!!! We had a good laugh.

I have to talk about my dog Dabny. I swear he never leaves my side. He follows me everywhere! When I am sleeping or laying on the couch he is right there wrapped in my arm. He loves to snuggle. I get up and go to the bathroom, he follows me, I go to the kitchen, he follows me. Everywhere I go….he follows me. I trip on him, step on him even accidentally kicked him in the mouth the other day and heard his teeth clink, and yet….he follows me….So today I am up in Jeff’s hang out…den or whatever he wants to call it, and Dabny thinks I am leaving the room, so he races down the stairs. Then you hear him come back up the stairs because he lost me and Jeff says “hide behind the door”….so here I am a 43 year old women hiding from my dog behind the door. He walks in and doesn’t see me and goes in my bedroom, and then runs down the stairs, then back up the stairs and into Jeff’s room, then back into my room, back down the stairs and back in Jeff’s room. This went on for about 5 minutes and Dabny made 5 trips up and down the stairs franticly looking for me. Meanwhile…yes…I am still behind the door and Jeff is laughing his butt off. When he finally found me after a major hint, he jumped up on my leg and was so happy! Then I looked and I swear he had tears coming out of his eyes (unless it was just exhaustion from running up and down the stairs). I felt so bad. (Jeff put me up to it) He is 15 years old. I really don’t know what I will do without him one day. He is my buddy!

Today I will go for my 7th treatment. I feel so good right now so I am truly dreading it. I only have 1 more treatment on February 19 so knowing that makes it a little easier to take. I just want to run and hide from it. Should I hide behind the door? Hee hee.

I'm here on the couch

2007-01-17T13:43:00.000-05:00

The week following chemo went ok. I had Chemo last week on Monday and didn’t start feeling the side effects until Wednesday afternoon. My mom came over and cooked dinner and spent the day with me. She rubbed my legs for me when the pain would shoot through my body. I had a lot of bone pain so I was taking some good pain medication and it helped. I am feeling better now, just some really bad mouth sores and I am so tired I can’t do anything.

I went to the doctor yesterday for my blood work. My White count is low so I am starting antibiotics and have to start my shots. My red count was also low so I had to have a shot for that too. Now I know why I have been getting tired out so easy. I was hoping to work this week but I can’t go in because of my white count being so low. There are just too many germs in a school, and I already have a sore throat so I better not take a chance. I am getting so bored. I wish it was spring so I could sit in my backyard on my swing! I would love that.

I met the sweetest man in the doctor’s office. He was sitting there with his wife and we started talking. He was there for his first chemo treatment for lung cancer. I told him not to worry and that he can do this! Here I was, giving advice to a cancer patient…who knew I would one day know so much about cancer drugs and what side effects to expect that I could give someone advice about it. When I was waiting for my blood results, I popped my head around the corner to his treatment room and waved and told him…“just checking on you.” It is so weird because I found myself feeling sorry for him and wanting to guide him through this somehow. I hope he is doing ok. I just can’t believe what cancer patients have to go through. But then again I am thankful that they can even do what they do. Chemo does work! It’s not a cure or a guarantee that you will never have a reoccurrence, but it does work!

My nephew Bobby and his wife Stephanie had a baby boy January 12. His name is Jaiden Hunter Shufeldt. He weighed 7 lbs. 13 ozs. He is so cute and they are such proud parents. Bobby is still beaming. This is my sister Sue's second grandchild. This makes 3 great grand children for mymom! I also have some news about grandchildren that I will be posting in a couple weeks......

I have had a few miserable days here on the couch so my mom is over right now to spend some time with me. It helps so much. Jeff wants to keep her!!

Feeling good!

2007-01-07T21:13:00.000-05:00

I am having a good day! I have not had one ache or pain at all. I was in such a funk for the last few weeks and I started to snap out of it on Friday. I feel a little tired but that’s it. Yay!! I even went out to dinner with Pam, Mike and Jeffrey . Saturday I went to the show with Sue and Brad and then we went to the grocery store. On the way home from the show Brad my sisters son said, “mom remember when I thought Hooters was a donut shop because of the 2 big owl O’s in the word Hooters.” I laughed so hard! I think everyone has seen the Hooters sign somewhere. I think we all gawk when we go by...lol

I am really losing my eyelashes and eyebrows now and it looks so weird. If I put on eyeliner you can’t tell unless you look really close but it does make me look like a cancer patient. My hair is starting to grow! It is getting all fuzzy on the top like a chick. Jeff called me a chia pet last night. lol

I am just happy to be in a good mood! But…..Monday I get another treatment. It is number 6 so only 2 more after that. I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just wonder if this treament is going to hit me as hard as the last. I really hope not.

The Genetic Lab called and the blood sample they took didn’t have any white cells in it so they have to draw more blood for my tests when I go in for chemo on Monday. I still don’t know how I feel about this Gene test they are doing. But I am doing it just to see what’s going on in this body of mine. What I will do with the information, I still have no idea.

I have been so bored!

These are the things that I have been doing that make me know that I am bored out of my mind….

1. I watched America’s Next Top Model Marathon on VH1 for about 4 days straight.

2. I am watching a Africam online. This is a camera in Africa that shows a watering hole and wild animals that visit it. So far I have seen 2 elephants, some giraffes, a few birds and 2 ducks. I spotted a blur of what I think might have been a tiger but I’m not sure. (I might have missed a few animals while I turned my head to watch America’s Next Top Model)

3. I have redecorated my living room in my head about 100 times.

4. I have looked in the refrigerator and freezer about 1,000 times.

5. I have balanced my checkbook to the penny.

6. I cleaned out my purse and found a receipt from Walgreen dated for June.

7. I have been through all my “favorites” online, and deleted the ones that are not my favorite anymore.

8. I cleaned out the silverware drawer!!. You know your bored when you do that.

9. I have stopped and looked in the mirror 100 times to look at the eyebrow and eyelash dilemma.

10. I have counted the hairs on my head that are starting to grow and even thought about measuring one that I think might be an inch long.

The funny thing is, I have done all this…and my little Christmas tree is still up! Too funny!

I just spotted a herd of something deer? Gazelles? And a monkey! I’m going back to watch the Africam. Here’s the link if your as bored as I am…http://www.wavelit.com/index.asp?ch=Wildlife&sh=africam

The White Tornado

2006-12-30T21:37:00.000-05:00

I had a really nice Christmas. I felt really good. My mom on the other hand said every bone in her body hurt that day and that she prayed at church to take my pain away. Unfortunately for her it worked. We had such a nice family Christmas. We played games and had a really nice dinner. The only problem I had on Christmas was mouth sores and my throat hurt. When I woke up the next morning my voice was gone, and it still is. It is coming back slowly.

I went for my lab work on Wednesday and my white count was at zero. My ly, mo, gr, ly#, mo#, and my gr# didn’t even register. (I don’t even know what those are but they seemed pretty concerned). They put me on antibiotics and I have to do the “stupid shot” as I now call it. I hate doing it! It doesn’t really hurt too bad anymore, just burns when the medicine is pushed in, but I just hate poking that needle into my stomach. Last night I actually prayed to my sister Sharon to help me find the courage to just do it after I kept putting it off. But I did it. And I just did it again!

I have literally been on the couch for 3 days straight. I am just exhausted. My sister Pam came over on Thursday and she is like the white tornado. She came armed with an industrial size box of garbage bags and 5 organizing bins! She went down in my basement (that I have been complaining about) and went to work. I didn’t see her for 3 hours! She did all my laundry, Then she came upstairs and scrubbed my bathroom. I just can’t thank her enough. I have not done any deep cleaning in so long.

I was talking to my sister Sue on the phone the other day and told her I was craving Reese’s Puffs cereal. It was kind of late. Next thing you know she is at my door with a box of Reese’s Puffs! I am getting way too spoiled. I may not recover from it when this cancer thing is over!! I love my sisters so much. They are always there for me.

Pam took me to Target and I had a minnie breakdown in the store. I was just so tired and I could not even shop and it was so frustrating. I was pushing along the cart and the tears just started to well up in my eyes from seeing everyone just shopping and going about their lives. It got to me. I know I will be normal again, but sometimes it just seems so far away. I really want to report some sort of fun, but the last few days have just not been fun at all. I am going to try really hard to have something positive to report to everyone! In the mean time I am going to go curl up on my couch and see what tomorrow brings. I hope everyone has a Happy New Year!

This is a link to a really nice song I found that kind of sums up how I feel. It is the first song called Maybe Tonight, Maybe Tomorrow. http://www.wideawake.com/www/wa_main.html

Merry Christmas

2006-12-24T16:36:00.000-05:00

Can anyone be this miserable? I am so over this Breast Cancer thing. Here it is Christmas Eve and I can barely get myself off the couch. This treatment has really knocked me out. I am so frustrated. I don’t feel like getting dressed or moving. My mind wants to go, go, go, but my body will not. I don’t feel like watching television or reading, all I want is for the days to be over so I can try and go to sleep. Sleeps another story. I have been sleeping on the couch because I am up 10 times a night with hot flashes and I don’t want to wake up Jeff. I have watched every infomercial that is out there. This is what I have learned so far. I am sure I can now become a millionaire buying homes and re-selling them after I fix them up, I know I can have acne free, baby soft skin if I follow a simple 3 step regimen, I can Bedazzle anything in my house and make it snazzy. I can have a sparkling clean colon if I take a colon potion, I can put a blanket in a big bag and suck it into to a small square that will fit in the silverware drawer, and I can dance my way into losing 20 pounds in a week.

I am really trying not to be so down but I think because it is the holiday and I am so used to being such a busy body, that’s what is so hard. At this point I don’t even know if I forgot anyone on my list I am so confused. I didn’t even do my Christmas cards. I bought them, but I never wrote them out.

I only went to work 1 day last week. But they did ask me if I would come in for a little while and I thought it was to exchange our presents. Megan had to drive me because I was not feeling good at all. I had a lot of bone pain, so I had to take pain medication. I didn’t even get dressed. I had my sweats on and a t shirt. When I got there the Principle asked me to go down to the gym and wait for them. So there I am sitting in a chair and they are getting ready for a teacher vs. student basketball game. Before the game started, they called me out onto the gym floor in front of the entire school and said that the kids have been having a fundraiser selling ice cream and they presented me with the money they raised. I couldn’t believe it. I started crying. I was so overwhelmed. It is really going to help my family out. I have so many medicalbills and deductibles for my medicine and I have not been working alot. I also make my car payment with my check so that has been hard too. How nice of them to do that for my family. When I looked up in the bleachers and saw all the kids clapping and smiling, it was so emotional for me. I still can’t believe they did that.

Jeff took me to the store today to get some last minute things for Christmas. While he was checking out at the dollar store I had all I could do not to sit on the floor in a heap and wait for him. I wanted to get my kids some stocking stuffers. I know they are older and I did tell them no stockings this year but I laid on the couch and it drove me crazy that I didn’t get them anything for their stockings.

My mom and Sue came over this morning to visit after church. I cried when I saw them because I am so miserable. I try not to cry in front of my mom, but I just lost it. I had a bad night and sometimes you just need your mommy! She cooked breakfast for us. Pancakes, sausage, eggs, hash browns! It was so good! I loved their visit.

Megan got her senior pictures. I am so proud of her. She looks just beautiful. I think about when she was born and how she had to struggle because she was a preemie. (3lbs. 4 ounces) I can’t believe how time flies and how she is so grown up and she will be graduating in June.

I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas! I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Chemo, Cookies and Cheerios

2006-12-17T19:01:00.000-05:00

I haven’t written in my journal in a while. I had a bad month. I am finally feeling good again. I went to work all week and did good. After the first hour I start to yawn uncontrollably and then I come home and sleep for 3 hours. I go for my 5th treatment on Monday and I am starting on Taxotere so I am a little nervous about what the side effects are going to be. With the Adriamycin and Cytoxan I have had mouth sores, nausea, constipation, diarrhea, headaches, bone aches, acid reflux, and hot flashes about 100 times a day! I have had no appetite but have managed to gain 9 pounds! The doctor said it is from the steroids. Jeff is all about me gaining wait. He says I need to stay healthy. I feel like a bloated toad. I have tried to write in my journal but it has been difficult. I am trying to keep my positive attitude but it’s hard sometimes. My eyelashes and eyebrows are starting to fall out so when I look in the mirror with no makeup on I think I look like an alien.

My friend Patty that lives down the street came over to visit the other day and she gave me a blanket to snuggle on the couch with. Her mom made it and it is just beautiful! It has the breast cancer ribbon and roses embroidered on it. There is a picture of it above. I just love it. I am always curled up with it that is until a hot flash hits and it goes flying across the room along with my whatever I have covering my bald head at the time. Then 2 minutes later I am freezing and scrambling to keep warm again.

Jeff knows I have been miserable lately and he has been cleaning and organizing stuff. Well today he did the sweetest thing. I gave him some stale Cheerioes that have been around a while and told him to go throw them in the yard for the birds. When he came in, he came upstairs and told me to go look out the window. He wrote “I LOVE YOU TRISH!” in Cheerios on the lawn. I couldn’t believe it! He is the kind of guy that tells me he loves me 100 times a day, but to write I love you in Cheerios! It was sweet. All I could do was hug him and tell him how special that was to me. He was so happy that I was happy! He made my day. Then I told him I have been waiting for that romantic moment for 22 years! LOLOL!

I have been making cookies all day today. I am taking some to the nurses tomorrow when I go for chemo. My mom is making some too. She makes the oatmeal fudge no bakes and they are so good! I made oatmeal raisin, oatmeal chocolate chip and chocolate chip. I am hoping that I feel good enough this week to make my sugar cookies. I was going to today but I ran out of energy. We decorate them as a family for Christmas. It is so fun!

I am going to go take a peek at Jeff’s Cheerio art work again before the birds eat it. What a sweetie!

My Dad

2006-12-09T20:38:00.000-05:00

Today is my dad's birthday. He died 2 years ago tomorrow. He was the greatest dad. My mom and dad had 4 girls so I know he must have gone crazy some days with all of us women in the house, but he never complained. He was so kind to my mom. He would do anything for her. They had a great marriage and a good life together. They did so much! He lived a full, fun life. I miss my dad. I miss his smile. I miss him singing songs and whistling. I miss his hugs. Here is something that my sister Sharon wrote about him.

Growing Up With a Dad Like You

When I was a little girl I worshipped my daddy so much
He always seemed more special than other daddy's
I felt like the luckiest daughter alive

Growing up was easier for me than most little girls
Because I could talk to my daddy about anything
He always listened and he always cared.

When I was young he sang me lullabies
When I got married he harmonized sweet blessings
Still, as I grow older,
When I close my eyes
I here his sweet distinctive melody
In my every thought.

Written by Sharon Shank

We miss you dad

December 9, 1928 - December 10, 2004

Just moving along

2006-12-02T21:55:00.000-05:00

I had chemo #4 and I am still trying to decide if have recovered from it yet. I feel good in the morning, then about 2:00 comes and I start to feel it. So far I have a lot of nasuea and some mouth sores with this round. I’m done with the Adriamycin and Cytoxan part of my chemo, now I move onto the Taxotere for 4 treatments every 3 weeks. The Taxotere has less nausea side effects but it causes bone pain. uggh

The last week has been emotional for me. Megan had a field trip and I didn’t know if I would be able to go with her. She was really looking forward to it. She talked to the teacher and they said if I feel good to just show up and it would be fine. Well, I ended up going with her. That was the Wednesday following my chemo. I felt really good in the morning, but I had a couple moments on the bus where I was thinking….what am I doing here. I just really wanted to be there with her. On the way home we had to stop by and pick out her senior pictures. I started crying when I saw them. I just can’t believe my little 3lb. baby girl is graduating. Her pictures are so beautiful! I came home at 2:30 and crawled into bed.

On Thursday Megan had her drivers test. All this stuff in one week is not good for someone who is already going through chemopause! She was so nervous about the parallel parking part of the test. While she was trying to park she stuck her head out the window and said to the guy….“it’s a good thing I don’t live in New York!” She is so funny, and I think she charmed the guy enough to pass her on the parking test. She passed the road test so we went right to the Secretary of State for her drivers license. AHHH!! When we got home off she went in my mini van. This is where I would say something about grey hairs….but I don’t have any hairs…lol

Megan and Jeffrey have been through so much in the last year and a half with our health. Jeff was so sick last July. He had to have a some of his colon removed because it ruptured, and we were just bouncing back from that when I was diagnosed. In fact it was a year in July for Jeff, and that is when my nightmare started. I never realized what my kids were really going through until Megan read an email to me that she wrote to someone that she hadn’t talked to in a while. Now I sit back and can’t believe how strong my kids are. I just hope that when I am done with my treatment and everything checks out good, that we have some kind of normalcy in our lives again.

The day we picked out Megan’s senior pictures and I was feeling so down, I came home and there was a package waiting for me. It was from my friends on a website that I go to! They sent me 2 survivor buffs!! They are so soft and cozy. It was such a wonderful surprise!! I have been going on the website for a few years and have made some good friends. They have been great support for me. Maybe one day when this is all over I can make one of the get togethers. I would love that. They are all so nice. I would love to meet them! Thanks RNL!!

Where's Baldo?

2006-11-26T23:58:00.000-05:00

I have Chemo #4 on Monday. It seems like I just found out that I had breast cancer and now I am half way done with the chemotherapy.I had exactly 2 really good days this round of treatment, yesterday and today. I have been full of energy!

We had a great time shopping on Friday. I went with Sue, Pam and Jeffrey. Jeff went too but sat in the car, I let him go home after I caught him snoozing in the van and about scared the crap out of him when I knocked on the window. I had a moment where I got really tired but I got a second wind and shopped some more. We started out at 5:00 a.m. at Meijer. Then we went to the mall. When we were there we lost track of Jeffrey and he kept calling me on the cell phone. We kept losing connection and he was getting so frustrated. When he finally found us he said "that was like playing Where's Waldo." Then he said, "no it was really like playing Where's BALDO!!" We all laughed so hard. He has his dad's sense of humor. We got really good deals. I saved so much money. I am on a budget this year so I have to watch out for the good sales! When we were done we went to Red Lobster. (I love the cheesy biscuits) By the time I got home I was so tired. I napped for a little while and then ended up getting sick. Uggg.

Sue snuck out of church to call me and tell me to meet them for breakfast this morning. We usually go every Sunday. I called Jeffrey because he was going out to breakfast with his girlfriend Bonnie. They already ate so they met us at the other restaurant just to see everyone. It was so nice to go again. I haven't been feeling up to it so I really enjoyed it.

I cut Jeff and Jeffrey's hair tonight. I haven't cut their hair in so long they were looking like cavemen.....(sorry Geico caveman guy) hee hee. I've cut Jeff's hair for 22 years and Jeffrey's for 20. They won't go to a shop and get it done. They are so spoiled!

Happy Thanksgiving and Shop til I drop!

2006-11-23T00:39:00.000-05:00

I have good news! I have the O.K. to go to Thanksgiving with my family! My counts are going up so they said to stay in on Wednesday and rest and then go and enjoy my family on Thanksgiving. I am so happy. They also said that I can go shopping Friday but not to over do it. Friday shopping is a tradition with my sisters and I have so much fun with them. I am sure I won't last too long but I will be out there bright and early with my BC coffee thermos. I have a wonderful family and great relatives and friends to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

The girl in the plastic bubble.

2006-11-21T20:21:00.000-05:00

I went to the oncologist today for my second bag of antibiotics. The chest x-ray came back and it looked good. My counts are still low so I have to go back in the morning and have more blood drawn. In the mean time I can't leave my house until my counts are back up, only to go to the doctor. When I was sitting there with my mom we were watching the food network and I was actually wanting food, so we started talking about where we were going to go out to eat after we left the doctor and the nurse said, "you can't go to a restaurant you can't be around anyone right now!" Me and my mom looked at each other like huh, what? There goes the bean and cheese chimichanga I was dreaming about. Then she told me I have to come back tomorrow for more blood work and "we will see how your holiday is going to go!" This might put a damper on my day after Thanksgiving power shopping! She also said if I get a fever over 100 to go to the emergency room. They want to get me better so I can have my fourth treatment on Monday. I feel pretty good other than a slight headache and a cough, and a few chemo induced hot flashes. lol

I posted some pictures from the baby shower. I felt so good that day! It was so nice to get dressed up. If the nurse only knew 3 days ago I was hugging and kissing everyone at the baby shower she would drop her I.V bag!

The quilt is a family tradition that we do for all the new babies in the family. Everyone makes a square and we make it into a quilt. It turned out so nice. I still have the one that was made for me for my shower. It is such a nice keep sake. I will unpack it and take a picture.

I love that I have an excuse to relax on the couch the rest of the night. The American Music Awards are on! I love stuff like that.

The never ending Dr. visit

2006-11-21T00:28:00.000-05:00

I have been having been feeling really lousy since my 3rd chemo treatment. I could not keep anything down for a few days and I feel like I have the flu. My chest is really congested and I have asthma so I have to be careful that it doesn’t get out of control. I went to the doctor today for my normal 3 week checkup. I ended up being there for 3 hours. The doctor listened to my chest and told me I had to start antibiotics through an I.V. This is the first time they accessed my port without any numbing cream and I about hit the ceiling! I am sitting here with tubes hanging out of my port as I type this. They left the I.V. line in because I have to go back tomorrow for another bag of antibiotics. Every time I look down at the tubes hanging off my port I get the creeps. I had a chest x-ray on the way home from the doctor‘s so I guess we will see what is going on tomorrow. Hopefully it’s not pneumonia. The nurse gave me a shot of steroids for the asthma too. My white count is really low along with some other count that I never heard of so when I came home I had to have a shot. Jeff did it for me, I just couldn’t get past that needle for some reason this time.

I went to a baby shower on Sunday for my nephew Bobby and his wife Steph . I was so feeling so good and I was so happy about that! I was sick Friday and Saturday so I was hoping I would have a good day. I wore my wig and it was so funny because when I first got there I was walking like I had a book on my head. Hee hee. It was really nice to get dressed up and have hair and makeup! I had a really nice time and got to talk to a lot of friends and relatives. I love seeing them. I ate really good too. I was so sick the days before that I really was not eating all that well. In fact I lost 4 pounds in a week. Not the kind of diet you want to go on though. By the time I got home I was so tired. I took a little nap, and then laid in bed with Megan for a little while and watched T.V.

My cousin Linda made some beet soup for me! She said it has healing power so I am eating it!!! It is really good. Soup is one of the only things that I can eat right now so it was a nice surprise. I had a little bowl last night with some toast and it settled really good. In fact I think I am going to go get some now.

Chemo Sucks!

2006-11-14T21:44:00.000-05:00

This 3rd chemo has really kicked my butt. I am just not snapping out of it. I am so tired and nauseated. I am really starting to hate this. I went to the doctor and my red cell count is low and I am anemic. I had to get a shot and I will get it once a week until my count comes up. I really can't wait until March when this is over. It seems like it will be forever before it gets here. I am really trying not to get down about this but I am really sick of feeling like this. I'm hungry and have no appetite. I force myself to eat then I'm sick. UGGG! I also have been having really bad leg cramps. The kind that you wake up with and your toes flare out! My calves feel like I ran 20 miles. I feel so bad because I have not been calling my friends. I have just been so down and feeling icky. I hope everyone understands. OK enough whining.

I stayed at my sisters for 2 days and then came home to find out my dog was sick while I was gone. My family was chasing him around with the carpet cleaner for 2 days. He is getting old (15) We bought him different food and I think that is what did it. I think it is too rich for him. I came home to total chaos, then I said...why didn't you just put him on the landing with the fence....nobody thought of that, instead they went through 5 rolls of paper towel and a gallon of carpet cleaner!

I watched Extreme Makeover Home Edition Sunday. The women had breast cancer and when she was explaining everything she was going through I cried. Everything she said I was feeling. She was also involved in the Relay For Life. I have been involved for a few years now. The last 2 years I have been the Entertainment Chair. On this episode they did a 5 day Relay and it was really touching. I can't wait for our Relay this year. I am looking forward to help planning it. My sister Sue is the chairperson and she works so hard. We always did the Relay for my sister Sharon and my dad, now I guess I am going to be a reason to Relay.

I had a drive by drop off from my cousin the other day! What a wonderful surprise it was. They just handed in a bag and was gone in a flash. I wandered to the door from the couch and they were gone. It was from Tim and Linda and she made some cookies for the family! That was so sweet. I have such wonderful family and friends.
My friend Peggy comes every Tuesday with a box of goodies! I have gained some weight since I started chemo and the doctor thinks it's a good thing.....I think it is the steroids I am on, but I really don't eat any more than I usually have. In fact I can't even say ......McDonalds without gagging. (I just gagged) I'm not eating a lot of fast food it just sounds so gross.

I have a few pictures of Megan on homecoming that I wanted to post. There is also one of my dog on Halloween..Too cute!
She looked so beautiful! I just wanted to share them.
I'm off to eat some cheez Its!

P.J. party

2006-11-11T16:34:00.000-05:00

P.J. party at Pam’s house. I couldn’t wait to get to Pam’s for the p.j, party with mom, and Sue. I was packed and ready to go for 2 days. Pam picked me up on her way home from work. I wasn’t feeling very good. I was feeling really nauseated since morning. I took an anti nausea pill and started feeling better, so we ordered food. Two steak subs, a greek salad, nachos supreme, and chicken wings. By the time we all filled our plates, it looked like army ants had walked over the spread. I ate so much! Then I fell asleep. I brought over stuff to do pedicures. I even brought everyone a tourbon to wear! I think they slipped me a sleeping pill so they didn’t have to wear them because after we ate I fell asleep and didn’t wake up for 14 hours!!! I guess I really needed the rest. At home I putz around and try to do too much. Here I lay on the couch like a queen waiting for someone to fan me with a banana leaf. Pam said she would if she had one! Hee hee.

Pam’s making a roast, potatoes, salad, corn, and rolls. Jeff just called and asked when I was coming home and I told him I think I am staying over again. He said that’s fine and to get some rest. I may never leave this resort!

Happy Birthday To Our Angel Sharon

2006-11-07T17:35:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to my beautiful sister Sharon

November 07, 1953 - May 11, 1994

We miss you more everyday. I never needed you like I do now.

I know you are with dad and that gives me so much peace.

Here is something that Sharon wrote.

I Am With You

Birds continue to sing

The sun unmasks its radiance each new day

My soul has been awakened to the breathtaking world I

imagine

And I am with you

Waves yet rush to shore

Flowers bloom forever more

Within these clouds I witness an electrifying panoramic view

And best of all

I am still with you

When gray skies cover the sun

And the moon seems not so bright

In the silent hours of your darkest night

Just call for me

And I will be with you

Earthy demise does not diminish friendships

For my life was no ordinary moment

Every day brought new dimensions

And you each played a part

Discover the Beauty in knowing

That soul-binding love never departs

And know in your heart

That I am always with you

I love you Sharon

Love your family

Chemo 3 down

2006-11-06T21:57:00.000-05:00

Another Chemo down and I feel like total crap. I came home and slept for 5 hours and have been whiney since I woke up. I just hate being down and out like this. I hate that I am drinking so much water I could float away, I hate that I have to pee every 2 minutes, and I hate that my head keeps getting really sweaty and then cold. And I hate that the acid reflux is soon to come and will not leave for at least a week. I will quit whining now .
This chemo went good but I was there 4 hours. My mom took me and I didn’t sleep as much as I usually do. I had to get up and drag my I.V. to the bathroom 4 times! I just remembered something funny from the last chemo, my sister Sue and my mom were there and I fell asleep, I woke up at one point and made a statement to them saying….”You can’t go camping if you don’t know how to spell it, it is spelled with a K not a C!” Then I fell back asleep. They are still laughing at me about that one. I guess I can’t spell in my sleep. Another time I woke up and looked at them and they were both crying watching me….I went OH GOD!!! And they started cracking up. They were so busted!!! It’s ok I know if it were one of them I would have been crying too.
I had a good weekend. Cleaned up the yard with Jeff and helped the best I could. It was nice out so it was good to get some fresh air. I also went into super women mode and cleaned and made some chicken enchiladas to have in the refrigerator for the family on chemo day. Jeffrey just got done cooking them, I can smell them and I can honestly say I want to puke!! It is one the favorite things I make for the kids. They love that and homemade chicken pot pie (which I was going to make too but the potatoes were bad!) I also made some chocolate chip cookies. The great part about cooking…nobody can blame me for hair in the food!!!
Right now my husband is in the back ground scooping up the enchiladas singing “who do you love”, and saying “your my girlfriend, you’re a cutie patootie.” He’s too funny.
Everyone in the family seems to get a big kick out of my bald head. I am sooooo bald!! Jeffrey keeps saying, “Look at you mom.” Jeff and Megan always have something to say when they see me with my cap off. I must say, it has made showering easier. Although I do have a complaint!!!!! Why is my head so bald but I still have to shave my legs! That is just a cruel joke.
Do you know my family went without shampoo for 3 days and didn’t say anything. I finally had to figure it out for myself when I found the empty bottle in the shower. .I went to the store 3 times before I finally remembered to pick some up. I told the lady that it is hard to remember to buy shampoo when you don’t have hair!
I got the cutest Breast Cancer Bear from my God Child and niece Candyce! It was from Macy’s. She went there with her friend to buy herself something and came out with something for me instead. How sweet is that. She is such a beautiful caring girl. I also got a big cute cuddly lamb from my cousins Ken and Carol Harrison. It has little tags to read when you need a lift or inspiration. I have all the stuffed animals on my chair up in my bedroom and my husband came in the other day and said….”oh look we paid $600.00 for a chair for the animals”…too funny! He cracks me up. I love all my animals and yes I do sleep with one a night, because Jeff steals the dog all the time and I need something to cuddle. Hee hee
In fact I am going up to my room to cuddle right now! Your never too old to cuddle!
Thank you to everyone who has sent a card. It's really nice. I enjoy reading them and have been through them many times. There are so many prayers and wishes for me and it really is helping me get through this.

I have good news!

2006-10-31T17:20:00.000-05:00

My mom is finally home! I went picked her up today. She is feeling really good. And I have great news! Her thyroid biopsy was benign!!! We are so relieved. She has to follow up with the cardiologist in 2 weeks but they seem to think that her heart rate was dropping due to the surgery because all of her tests came back good. I took her to get her prescription and she was so happy because it only costs $4.00! She has to be on it forever so she was worried it was going to cost a fortune. Sam’s Club has a deal with certain prescription drugs and they are all $4.00! So if your paying a lot somewhere else go check out the list and see if your drugs on there. I asked the guy if there were any chemo drugs and he laughed and said are you kidding me! lol I did see the lidocane that I use on my port to numb it before chemo, and I pay a higher copay with insurance so I may be going there soon.
As for me I am having a really good day. I feel great. I have chemo on Monday, so just like last time I start to feel better and I have to get my butt kicked again. My white count is actually high which is good. The doctor gave me a shot because he said that my lungs sounded a little congested. He said it would help clear it all up before Monday. It’s really important that you stay on schedule with the chemo, so I’m glad he caught that.
Happy Halloween!

Mom's surgery

2006-10-29T10:28:00.000-05:00

Having a long weekend. My moms still in the hospital, she is doing great with the surgery, but her heart rate slowed down. She saw a cardiologist this morning and they are running some tests on her to see what’s going on. We are still waiting for the pathogy report on her thyroid. The doctor said it looked good but that is the same thing they told my family when I had my lumps removed so I am waiting until I hear the final report before I celebrate!
I spent all day Friday and Saturday with her. She kept telling me to go home and take a nap but I just wanted to be there with her. I finally asked her if she would leave me and she said no, and I said see mom I'm staying! I laid in a chair next to her bed and had a pillow and blanket and she said they are going to come in her and not know who the patient is....hee hee....I am on my way up there now and her only request is a bottle of Diet Vernors. I’m sure I'll find some other goodies to take her. She might come home today if all the tests go good. I know she will be happy about that. Yesterday when they told her she had to stay she was a very unhappy Italian....lol

My white count was low on Monday so they told me to start giving myself a shot of Neupogen on Wednesday through Sunday. My mom has been doing it for me that was until she went for surgery so yesterday I had to do it myself. I did good! I was nervous but I did it! Right in the stomach. It sounds bad but it doesn't hurt at all. It just burns when you push the medicine in a little. So now I am off to give
myself another shot and visit my mom for the day! Take care.

My Sister Sharon, My Inspiration

2006-10-26T22:28:00.000-04:00

I have something I want to share with everyone. Some of you know my sister Sharon died from breast cancer. What you don't know is that she was a great writer. I have read her thoughts before but now they have a whole new meaning to me. When I would read them I would always think about what she must have been going through at the time, and now I know. She was an inspiration to me and to everyone around her. Here is something that I came across that I can relate to in certain ways. I know I have some friends out there that have had mastectomies that will find this a great inspiration. It is called Self Love.

Today I will make friends with the area of my body that has been through surgery. I will look at myself in the mirror and not think of myself as disfigured just because I look different.

I will focus on the fact that once, where there used to be a mound of flesh, there is now a flatter more hollow surface that, when touched, puts me that much closer to my heart and soul.

I will realize that yes, I do look different, and yes, it does take some getting used to, but I am alive. I AM ALIVE.

What was taken from me in the desperate chance to prolong my life has given me, in return, a whole new sense of how precious and short life is, and that now is the time to re-evaluate how I want to spend the rest of my precious time here on this earth.

When I get dressed and walk from this room to greet this new day, I will so it with pride and self-love. Most of all, I will feel so grateful that I have gained a whole new insight about my life, and that from here and now I will begin making the most of it.

My sister Sue compiled Sharon’s writings after she died and gave a copy to my mom, and my other sister Pam. What wonderful memories we have of our sister. I have so many more to share that I will be posting soon. Thanks. Hope you like it. Trish

Work, eating and I'm a STAR!

2006-10-23T18:58:00.000-04:00

I went to work today. The kids were all staring and asking questions about my new look. The boys thought I shaved my head just because I wanted a new hairdoo and the girls all gave me hugs and just kind of knew what was going on without too many questions. I had a little anxiety walking into the lunch room for the first time with my hat on, but it turned out ok. I feel like I have to explain why I am not wearing a wig. I just don't feel comfortable in it. I feel like I am playing dress up. I will wear it now and then but for everyday I'm liking the hat and scarf.
I had my lab work done today and my counts are a little low so starting Wednesday I have to give myself a shot until Sunday. My mom is going to do it for me. She has to have surgery on Friday so the nurse showed me how to do it myself and I think I can do it!
My mom is having her thyroid removed Friday morning. She is kind of nervous about it. They will have to check it for cancer and it is really worrying us. I told her she isn't allowed to have cancer right now...only one person in the family at a time! She will be in the hospital a couple days and I told her I WILL be there with her! She keeps telling me I shouldn't be there because all of the germs, but I think it should be ok considering there are people in the hospital with cancer all the time...lol. I hope she's ok. I am so worried. I just can't imagine anything happening to my mom. She is one of my best friends.
I ate so much in the past week that I think I might explode! Nothing sounds good but once I start eating forget about it! It's not that I am eating a lot, it's just that I get so full, and the feeling lasts all day. I went to breakfast with my mom and Sue on Sunday. It was a late breakfast around 11:00, I searched the menu and nothing sounded good...until I got to the fish dinner....lol I had fish dinner for breakfast. I know it sounds gross, but at the time that is the only thing that sounded good. Right now I could barf just thinking about it.
My friend Terri came over last night with a HUGE pot of chicken soup with dumplings and lots of other goodies! That was so nice. I know it was a lot of work. My husband has already said that my cancer is making him fat! I have always been kind of thin so I think my cancer is making ME fat too! The medicine they have these days make it a little easier toeat. I still have a sweet tooth, and I live on peanut butter and jelly toast when nothing else sounds good, so I am eating.

There is a movie on Lifetime tonight that I am looking forward to watching. It's called Why I Wore Lipstick To My Mastectomy. It is about a young women's experience with breast cancer. I went to the Lifetime web site and they wanted pictures of breast cancer survivors so I submitted my picture and guess what? They chose it and it is on the web site. Here is the link. It's picture #2 http://www.lifetimetv.com/breastcancer/photos/gallery10/index.php
My sister Sue helped me out with the release forms. I didn't hear anything so I had forgot about it. Sue called me Saturday and said....your on the web site! Isn't that just too funny! (they did spell my last name wrong but I'm used to that) It's the picture of me trying on wigs. I'm a star!!

2nd Chemo down!

2006-10-19T20:46:00.000-04:00

I had my second chemo on Monday and so far so good. Aside from a little fatigue and stomach stuff going on I'm doing ok. I may have overdone it yesterday though. I went to the Look Good Feel Better class that the American Cancer Society offers. It was wonderful! I have been volunteering with the Realy for Life for 4 years and I actually got to see what some of our money has been going for. My mom and Sue went with me. Then of course the lady that was running it had to go and do the tupperware introduce yourself game. I was the last one and when I opened my mouth I said my name and why I was there and how my family is here and how much they support me and I have 2 kids and then I started crying.....oh god! Then my mom and Sue were crying. I got over it once I opened the bag and saw all the goodies though. They gave me a big bag just filled with makeup, and I am talking good makeup! The kind I walk past in the department store and dream about! They showed how to put on your eyebrows when they start to thin, and had a lot of good tips for trying to stay up beat and nice looking through all of this.
From there we went to the wig shop where I bought my wig and I dontated my hair. They gave me a pin that says "Children with hair Loss" I donated so much hair they couldn't believe that half of it had already fallen out before I cut it off. They also trimmed my bangs on my wig. I still haven't wore it yet. I am just not used to it. I have some special occasions that I will definetly wear it to but for now I am content in my hat and scarf.
Then we went to lunch. I didn't want to eat but my mom and sister were making sure I ate. I ended up with some chicken soup and a half of turkey pita. Once I started eating, it tasted really good and I scarfed it down. Then my mom ordered up a HUGE piece of chocolate cake! If you have ever been to Pipers on Telegraph road you know what I'm talking about! It is the biggest piece of cake I ever saw. I had a little piece and it was so good. I was still full when I woke up this morning. hee hee.
I had to go to Megan's conferences yesterday too. She didn't tell any of her teachers what is going on at home. One teacher said to her "Megan you should have let me known" and Megan said..."I didn't want you to feel like you had to give me special treatment because my mom is sick." I had to explain to her that it is not about that. Sometimes they need toknow, for the days when your not doing good they will understand why. They were really nice and her counseler was so nice and understanding. It upsets me because this is Megan's senior year and I hate that she has to go through this with me. But I think she is doing ok. She has not been excluded from anything since my diagnosis. I am keeping her informed and trust me, she asks tons of questions!
My friend Tammy stopped by today and gave me 2 terry cloth sleep caps! They are so comfy. She is a 16 year breast cancer survivor! She has been there for me with tons of information. She also cared for her mom who passed away from cancer. She brought over a vanilla frosty from Wendy's. It was so good, my mouth is so sore the week of chemo and it really helped.
All and all I am having a good week so far considering just having chemo. I am planning on going to work Monday. I will unviel the new me to the kids!

Bald Is Beautiful! And chemo #2

2006-10-15T23:03:00.000-04:00

O.K. It's official, I'm a baldy! My head was itchy and sore and I had so much coming out that I decided I had enough. My mom and sisters came over and we put it into about 8 ponytails. Jeff cut them off so I can donate it to the wig shop where I got my wig. They make wigs for little kids so I decided that would be a good idea. Then Jeff shaved my head while my family all watched and cried with me. All I could think was why wasn't I like one of those strong women who shave their heads to feel in control. I know it was hard for Jeff to do, but he really wanted to be the one to do it. Once it was done I was glad. It felt so good. And don't worry, it wasn't all sad, we had fun too. When he was almost done I broke into a Sinead O'Conner song...Nothing Compares To You! I washed my head in the sink and I think everyone had fun taking turns lathering up my bald head. Sue rubbed some skin relief cream on my head and I was loving it. Jeff keeps telling me how cute I look. Megan had a hard time, but she ok now. My dog did a double take. I swear he did!! Megan, Pam and Sue saw it too and we had a good laugh.

I didn't go to work all week because I was sick. Everyone at work signed a card for me. I thought that was so nice. By Thursday my counts were back up and I started to feel good again.

I have been getting so many nice gifts. My friend from the school I work at gave me a plaque with a beautiful saying on it about being a survivor. She also gave me a CD that has some wonderful songs on it. I also had another friend stop over and her mom knitted some caps for me! They are too cute. She also brought along lots of goodies! I'm talking donuts, cinnamon rolls, and bagels! That was so nice! My mom bought a hat for me with a BC ribbon on the front. Mike and Pam gave me a pink Detroit Tigers hat. Sue gave me a purple BC hat too! I am going to need a hat rack! My cousins Mike and MaryLyn also sent a really nice card and I really appreciated the gift they gave me. I also received a package in the mail from one of my friends on a message board that I have been going on for a few for years! I was so touched by it. There was a Breast Cancer Sucks mug and water bottle, some queasy drops for an upset stomach, 2 books and a Survivor shirt. Her mom is a 2 year survivor and is doing great! They have been sending a lot of good tips and advice my way. I have been getting so many cards from my friends and family and it is nice to know that I have so much support.

Tomorrow I will go to my second chemo armed with my Cancer Sucks water bottle!!! Great just when I started feeling good again!

Shedding and Bored

2006-10-10T23:43:00.000-04:00

Well I went to the doctor and my blood count is low. They warned me it would happen. I have a throat infection, possibly strep throat. I have to go in every day and get a shot. It will help my white cells. The nurse gave me the shot in the arm yesterday, and I it hurt so bad! It is like getting stung by a wasp only worse! You can't rub it afterward for some reason and that's all I wanted to do to take the sting away. I felt it all the way to the car. I went in today and was dreading it. I asked the nurse if the stomach would be better and she said we could try it. It freaked me out but what could be worse than yesterday in the arm! I have to say I didn't really feel it in the stomach. I felt a little burn afterward and now I have a bruise, but I will take the stomach over the arm any day.
My hair is really shedding. Yesterday I wore a ponytail and hat just to keep it from shedding all over the house. I'm just not ready to shave it off yet. We were driving down the street and Jeff goes, "why are you wearing a hat today"...and I said..."so my bangs don't blow out the car window." We laughed so hard. Today Jeff is running around with a bandana on his head and Megan was wearing my wig. I'm glad their having fun with it. lol
Ok I have heard about Chemo brain and I think I am starting to get it. A few days ago, Megan made brownies and she needed my help putting them in the pan. So I told her to hold the bowl and I started scraping away. I put the spoon down and got the rest out of the bowl with a spatula and put them in the oven. About 40 minutes later Megan is screaming for me to come down stairs and she is cracking up. She was cutting into the brownies and found something....I thought I set the spoon on the counter but noooo, I baked it into the brownies. We laughed so hard! hee hee. Then yesterday I went to Walgreen for my medicine. I got a call from them about 5 minutes after I got home. I left one of my bags in the basket outside. Someone turned it in. I was so embarrassed because all the bag had in it were 2 king size resee cups and some raisenettes...lolol They tracked me down and called me and said, we thought you might want your resee cups. She was right I did! Too funny.
I can't go to work until my counts are back up. I will have to start doing ebay again to keep myself busy.
Tomorrow I go for genetic counseling. (and another shot) My doctor wanted me to go. My Mom, Sue, Pam, and Megan are going too. I'm curious to see what it's all about. Kind of scary for my family I think. Do they want to know if they have the gene? Would I want to know if it were me and didn't have BC? We are just going to learn about it for now and make a decision later. I have a lot of research to do on that.

Feeling good and Halloween!!

2006-10-08T23:55:00.000-04:00

Halloween, what can I say. Sharon loved halloween and she would have parties and even had a haunted hayride in her backyard for the kids. This weekend was spent at the little league haunted house. Sue and Pam worked really hard this year to get it ready and they did a great job. My entire family volunteers. We have so much fun. We all have our spots in the house and love to scare people! My mom even comes and works. Friday I felt really good other than having a headache, so I went up there with my husband. I had a hot chocolate at about 10:00 and by 10:15 I knew it was a wrong move. There I was in my scary hiding spot in the house feeling sick, with a barf bag in my lap, waiting for the next victims to come by to scare. I went out to the van when we had a break and told Jeff, I have to get home NOW!!
I made it home just in time. Let's just say, no more hot chocolate for me.
I had a good weekend. I had a headache on Saturday, but today I felt fantastic! It is so nice to have a day where nothing hurts. Wait, I take that back, my scalp is very sore, and today I ran my fingers through my hair and came up with a pretty good bunch of hair in my hand. Megan was standing there and I said "oh no" and we looked at eachother and started cracking up!!?? Why I don't know, but she said mom don't laugh, and I said you laughed first! And then we both laughed again.
Oh well, I knew it was coming. I'm ready for it.
My son Jeffrey went to the grocery store for me yesterday and he came home and said I bought you something. He had 2 breast cancer awarness DONUTS! lol They were so cute. Pink frosting and little white ribbons. Yes, I ate them both!
I have been getting such a collection of scarves from people. Pam gave me 2 halloween, and 1 valentine. Then my daughter's friend Amanda and her boyfriend Kyle came over today and Kyle's mom bought me an orange one and a pink one. They were also wearing pink breast cancer bacelets. I thought that was so sweet.
I also recieved a cute little pin from Patti, a women at little league, she also has breast cancer, it says, Fight Like a Girl. She said someone gave it to her when she was diagnosed and now she is passing it on to me! That was so sweet.
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I think I will have blood work done to check my counts. I am hoping they are good so I can work this week. Then next Monday Chemo, ...uggg..... just when I'm starting to feel good again.

My heads getting Tingly

2006-10-04T17:02:00.000-04:00

Oh no, I think it is starting to happen. My head is feeling wierd. Like zingy feeling. Am I ready for this? I can't imagine myself with no hair. Little spots on my head are feeling itchy and tingly. This is what has depressed me the most, but now I wish it would just happen.

I have been feeling really good. I've been going to work and I have great friends there. They are so concerned for me. Today my friend gave me a pretty Breast Cancer Ribbon Pin made of pink rinstones. It's beautiful. I pinned it on my sweater as soon as she gave it to me. I have wore these before, but this time it was just a different feeling to put this pin on and know that it was meant for me. I am learning to accept the fact that I have Breast Cancer. I know I have it, I am living it, but sometimes it just seems like a bad dream. I guess in a few days when my hair is gone, It will become a HUGE reality.

Sleep, Nausea, and the Homecoming Dance

2006-10-02T00:07:00.000-04:00

Thursday when I was feeling good we went out on my second wig shopping trip and had a good time. I did find a wig. It wasn’t the one I originally picked out but it is really nice. We also went to The Josephine Ford Cancer Center because my friend at the American Cancer Society recommended it. They had a room we could go in and pick out whatever I wanted. I picked out 6 little knit caps and 2 blonde bombshell wigs just for Jeff. Hee hee.

Friday I went to work and it felt good to get out of the house and go someplace other than the doctor. The kids are starting to ask questions and I am just being honest with them. They will find out sooner or later when I show up with a scarf on my head. A teacher at school made me 3 beautiful scarves! She had her own battle with cancer last year and she couldn’t find anything to fit her head right. She made her own so she wanted to make sure I had some too. I thought that was so nice. What a thoughtful thing to do! Her hair is growing back now and it looks so cute! Another friend from work came over Friday evening and brought my family dinner from Famous Dave’s. It was right on time because after working and running to the post office and bank afterward, I was feeling tired. It was such a nice meal. It was from the maintenance crew at work. How thoughtful! She also brought me a book about nutrition and cancer. There are some good recipes and it has some good information on what to eat when your battling cancer. .

Megan had her homecoming dance yesterday. I felt so bad because I was having a “bad day.” I am a hairdresser so I always do her hair for dances, but I just wasn’t thinking that maybe I wouldn’t feel good enough to do it for her. She started getting ready at about 11:00 and at 2:00 I was on a heap in her bed thinking I should have made her a hair appointment. I finally got up and did her hair and it turned out beautiful! I have to say though, we might be in trouble on her wedding day…I think I may have a bridzilla on my hands!! Pam was here and can testify to that. Pam stayed for a few hours cleaned my kitchen and made some macaroni and cheese one of the few things that sounds good lately.

Every Sunday we go out to breakfast with my family. My mom, Pam and Mike and Sue and Steve and whoever else shows up. This week I just wasn’t into it, so at about 9:00 this morning, Jeff woke me up and said, “come on were going to breakfast“….I went downstairs and he had made me breakfast! It was so nice. He had the whole spread. Eggs, toast, sausage, hashbrowns. He did a good job and he even did the dishes!

Today I’m not doing that great with food. Nothing sounds good. I force myself to eat and then I feel sick. It is so frustrating. I haven’t been feeling all that great for the last two days. I have been really tired and sick to my stomach. I went out on the porch for a while today just to get some fresh air. I hope I feel good enough to go in to work tomorrow. I have to go get my blood work done and see how my counts are, if they are good I can go to work for the week.

This has been a hard journal entry only because I just haven’t felt good the last couple days. I know I will have my days when I feel good and bad, but the bad sucks!! I’m hoping this week is better.

Picking out a wig

2006-09-27T13:56:00.000-04:00

Oh lord, picking out a wig. A WIG!!! ahhh when I walked in there was a little old lady in the wig chair who was there because she WANTED a wig. Me and my mom and sister walked in and started looking around until the lady was ready for me. Then she turned around and said ok who are we here for.....I could barely choke out the words.....I said. "meeeeee." I almost lost it, but I bounced back and composed myself.

Seriously, there is not much to choose from. The first one I tried on I looked just like my sister Sharon who passed away from breast cancer 12 years ago. Kinda freaked us out. There I was in the mirror with my sister staring back at me. My poor mom had a hard time I think. She was kind of quiet the rest of the trip.

I tried on short wigs, long wigs, scary wigs and finally found one I can live with. It is shoulder length and flippy and cute. The only thing the one they had was plum color and I looked like a gothic chick. So I had to find a color I liked, The picture above with the short little wig on my long hair is the color I picked. I didn't order it yet because my wig coupon was $200.00 and the wig was $300.00. She told me to come home and call my insurance company to see if they covered any of it. I just called and they don't. They will cover my $500,000. cancer treatment but won't flip for a wig...no pun intended. Oh well, I am still going to order it. I need hair! I was just hoping to find one in the $200.00 price range and I would have if I wanted hair like a doll that's been stuck in a closet for 10 years. Some of them were awful. You can really tell the difference.

I just hope it looks nice in the color I picked out. That is a lot of money not to be satisfied.

I have been doing good today. I woke up a little nauseated, but it has calmed down a bit. I went to out to lunch with my mom and sister after the wig fiasco, and walked in feeling ill and not knowing what to order. Then I ended up scarfing down a steak sub. Now I am a little icky feeling. I really didn't eat much yesterday, so I knew I had to eat. I am hoping I can go to work tomorrow. I can't stand sitting home. I think too much.....

My first Chemo and Thank God for Lidocaine

2006-09-26T21:42:00.000-04:00

Here is a picture of my daughter Megan and Me.

Ok so I had my first Chemo. I woke up and took my anti nausea pill, slathered the numbing cream on my port-a cath and covered it in saran wrap like I was told to.

My mom came over to take me for my appointment, when she got there I was putzing around the house until she finally said, "ok missy, quit stalling, lets go". She was right, I was stalling. It's not that I was nervous I had found a calm the night before. I sat at the end of my bed and thought, ok this is it, I have to be strong and just do this. So off we went to chemo, by the time we got there I was clutching my Worry Stone.

My daughter Megan wanted to go with me. I didn't know if it was a good idea. She said, “mom I really want to be there with you,” so I let her come. When we got there, she sat on the floor with her head on my leg. Up to this point Megan has not shown too much emotion to me except for when she first heard the news and ran into the basement. I had to go get her and tell her everything was going to be fine. She was doing fine just talking with me about wigs and stuff when a lady and her husband walked in. She had a scarf on her head with a cap and you could see her bald head underneath. She sat next to her husband and put her head on his shoulder. That’s when Megan broke down. She looked up at me and said, Momma. I don’t want you to be like that.” She cried with her head in my lap until she was all cried out.

When they called my name my stomach dropped and off we went to my doom. I had a private room with a television and a recliner and guest chairs. I sat down and that is when my nerves took over again. I was shaking.

The nurse came in and it was time for the thing I feared the most…..accessing the port for the first time. It had been so sore and I just couldn't imaging it being poked at. She took off the saran and prepared it…… OK….. This is it…….POKE…….guess what?…I didn’t feel a thing. Thank god for the lidocaine cream. And to think I lost sleep over THAT!!

First the nurse gave me some Ativan for my nerves because I was ready to jump out of skin. About five minutes later I was getting sleepy and looking at my mom and Megan through one eye. OK I was ready….bring it on!!!

It was time for my chemo. First came the Adriamycin. This one was pushed into my I.V. by the nurse very slowly. While she’s doing this she told me that I will pee red for a couple days…great I’ve peed blue, green, and now red. As she was pushing the drug into my body, I imagined…what could be going on in there…was it doing it’s job? I hope so.

The next was the Cytoxen. That took longer and was in an I.V. drip. I watched it drip until I final curled up and fell asleep.I woke up and Megan and my mom walked me out to the car because I felt a little wobbly.

When I got home I crawled in bed. My mom got me settled and had to go to work. Jeff came home and loved me up and told me he was glad I was on my way to getting better. Jeffrey rubbed my legs and feet. And Megan cleaned the house. Then my best friend Annie came over and we laid in my bed and cried together. My mom is staying over for a couple days. I could not do this without her. I need her now.

All in all I feel ok today. Not great just ok. I have a terrible headache. I’ve had it all day.

My mom keeps telling me to go and lay down, but I’m a busy body. I stopped and put my head against the cold kithcen doorway to ease my head pain and I looked up at the ceiling fan and gasped. Next thing you know I'm on a chair in the kitchen with the murphy's oil soap and a rag, that is until Jeffrey screamed GRANDMA....come see my mom!! That was the end of that....grandma finished cleaning the ceiling fan. I think I will take her up on that and go to bed. I’m tired.

To all my message board and journal friends that are going through this….I’m thinking of you!!! We can DO this!!

Getting ready for chemo

2006-09-24T13:33:00.000-04:00

So tomorrow is my first chemo. I slept really good last night and got up early today and started cleaning. So far I have done laundry, cleaned the upstairs carpet, made 2 homemade chicken pot pies in case I'm not feeling good enough to feed my family tomorrow, cleaned the bathroom, and was referee for a bicker fight between Jeff and Megan. It helps to keep busy but there it is in the back of my mind....chemo...chemo...chemo..what an ugly word.

I am going on information overload right now. I have read everything I could get my hands on to prepare for this. I have so much stuff running through my mind. Drink plenty of water, get biotene mouth wash for mouth sores, make sure I take my pill before I go for chemo. I have to make sure I drink lots of water, I'm not much of a water drinker, so I made some green iced tea. It is really good, although now I am peeing a wierd light green. I have already peed blue. That was when I had my sentinal node biopsy. They give you blue dye to locate the sentinal node. I peed blue for 2 days. I'm not talking a light blue! The first time it looked like tidy bowl and I was tepmted to get the toilet brush and scrub!

I guess I will go back to cleaning. Just want to make sure my house is in order.