The White Tornado

I had a really nice Christmas. I felt really good. My mom on the other hand said every bone in her body hurt that day and that she prayed at church to take my pain away. Unfortunately for her it worked.  We had such a nice family Christmas. We played games and had a really nice dinner. The only problem I had on Christmas was mouth sores and my throat hurt. When I woke up the next morning my voice was gone, and it still is. It is coming back slowly.

I went for my lab work on Wednesday and my white count was at zero. My ly, mo, gr, ly#, mo#, and my gr# didn’t even register. (I don’t even know what those are but they seemed pretty concerned). They put me on antibiotics and I have to do the “stupid shot” as I now call it. I hate doing it! It doesn’t really hurt too bad anymore, just burns when the medicine is pushed in, but I just hate poking that needle into my stomach. Last night I actually prayed to my sister Sharon to help me find the courage to just do it after I kept putting it off. But I did it. And I just did it again!

I have literally been on the couch for 3 days straight. I am just exhausted. My sister Pam came over on Thursday and she is like the white tornado. She came armed with an industrial size box of garbage bags and 5 organizing bins! She went down in my basement (that I have been complaining about) and went to work. I didn’t see her for 3 hours! She did all my laundry, Then she came upstairs and scrubbed my bathroom. I just can’t thank her enough. I have not done any deep cleaning in so long.

I was talking to my sister Sue on the phone the other day and told her I was craving Reese’s Puffs cereal. It was kind of late. Next thing you know she is at my door with a box of Reese’s Puffs! I am getting way too spoiled. I may not recover from it when this cancer thing is over!! I love my sisters so much. They are always there for me.

Pam took me to Target and I had a minnie breakdown in the store. I was just so tired and I could not even shop and it was so frustrating. I was pushing along the cart and the tears just started to well up in my eyes from seeing everyone just shopping and going about their lives. It got to me. I know I will be normal again, but sometimes it just seems so far away. I really want to report some sort of fun, but the last few days have just not been fun at all. I am going to try really hard to have something positive to report to everyone! In the mean time I am going to go curl up on my couch and see what tomorrow brings. I hope everyone has a Happy New Year!

This is a link to a really nice song I found that kind of sums up how I feel.   It is the first song called Maybe Tonight, Maybe Tomorrow.  http://www.wideawake.com/www/wa_main.html

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Merry Christmas

Can anyone be this miserable? I am so over this Breast Cancer thing. Here it is Christmas Eve and I can barely get myself off the couch. This treatment has really knocked me out. I am so frustrated. I don’t feel like getting dressed or moving. My mind wants to go, go, go, but my body will not. I don’t feel like watching television or reading, all I want is for the days to be over so I can try and go to sleep. Sleeps another story. I have been sleeping on the couch because I am up 10 times a night with hot flashes and I don’t want to wake up Jeff. I have watched every infomercial that is out there. This is what I have learned so far. I am sure I can now become a millionaire buying homes and re-selling them after I fix them up, I know I can have acne free, baby soft skin if I follow a simple 3 step regimen, I can Bedazzle anything in my house and make it snazzy. I can have a sparkling clean colon if I take a colon potion, I can put a blanket in a big bag and suck it into to a small square that will fit in the silverware drawer, and I can dance my way into losing 20 pounds in a week.

I am really trying not to be so down but I think because it is the holiday and I am so used to being such a busy body, that’s what is so hard. At this point I don’t even know if I forgot anyone on my list I am so confused. I didn’t even do my Christmas cards. I bought them, but I never wrote them out.

I only went to work 1 day last week. But they did ask me if I would come in for a little while and I thought it was to exchange our presents. Megan had to drive me because I was not feeling good at all. I had a lot of bone pain, so I had to take pain medication. I didn’t even get dressed. I had my sweats on and a t shirt. When I got there the Principle asked me to go down to the gym and wait for them. So there I am sitting in a chair and they are getting ready for a teacher vs. student basketball game. Before the game started, they called me out onto the gym floor in front of the entire school and said that the kids have been having a fundraiser selling ice cream and they presented me with the money they raised. I couldn’t believe it. I started crying. I was so overwhelmed. It is really going to help my family out. I have so many medicalbills and deductibles for my medicine and I have not been working alot. I also make my car payment with my check so that has been hard too. How nice of them to do that for my family. When I looked up in the bleachers and saw all the kids clapping and smiling, it was so emotional for me. I still can’t believe they did that.

Jeff took me to the store today to get some last minute things for Christmas. While he was checking out at the dollar store I had all I could do not to sit on the floor in a heap and wait for him. I wanted to get my kids some stocking stuffers. I know they are older and I did tell them no stockings this year but I laid on the couch and it drove me crazy that I didn’t get them anything for their stockings.

My mom and Sue came over this morning to visit after church. I cried when I saw them because I am so miserable. I try not to cry in front of my mom, but I just lost it. I had a bad night and sometimes you just need your mommy! She cooked breakfast for us. Pancakes, sausage, eggs, hash browns! It was so good! I loved their visit.

Megan got her senior pictures. I am so proud of her. She looks just beautiful. I think about when she was born and how she had to struggle because she was a preemie. (3lbs. 4 ounces) I can’t believe how time flies and how she is so grown up and she will be graduating in June.

I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas! I hope you all have a wonderful day.

 

 

Chemo, Cookies and Cheerios

I haven’t written in my journal in a while. I had a bad month. I am finally feeling good again. I went to work all week and did good. After the first hour I start to yawn uncontrollably and then I come home and sleep for 3 hours. I go for my 5th treatment on Monday and I am starting on Taxotere so I am a little nervous about what the side effects are going to be. With the Adriamycin and Cytoxan I have had mouth sores, nausea, constipation, diarrhea, headaches, bone aches, acid reflux, and hot flashes about 100 times a day! I have had no appetite but have managed to gain 9 pounds! The doctor said it is from the steroids. Jeff is all about me gaining wait. He says I need to stay healthy. I feel like a bloated toad. I have tried to write in my journal but it has been difficult. I am trying to keep my positive attitude but it’s hard sometimes. My eyelashes and eyebrows are starting to fall out so when I look in the mirror with no makeup on I think I look like an alien.

My friend Patty that lives down the street came over to visit the other day and she gave me a blanket to snuggle on the couch with. Her mom made it and it is just beautiful! It has the breast cancer ribbon and roses embroidered on it. There is a picture of it above. I just love it. I am always curled up with it that is until a hot flash hits and it goes flying across the room along with my whatever I have covering my bald head at the time. Then 2 minutes later I am freezing and scrambling to keep warm again.

Jeff knows I have been miserable lately and he has been cleaning and organizing stuff. Well today he did the sweetest thing. I gave him some stale Cheerioes that have been around a while and told him to go throw them in the yard for the birds. When he came in, he came upstairs and told me to go look out the window. He wrote “I LOVE YOU TRISH!” in Cheerios on the lawn. I couldn’t believe it! He is the kind of guy that tells me he loves me 100 times a day, but to write I love you in Cheerios! It was sweet. All I could do was hug him and tell him how special that was to me. He was so happy that I was happy! He made my day. Then I told him I have been waiting for that romantic moment for 22 years! LOLOL!

I have been making cookies all day today. I am taking some to the nurses tomorrow when I go for chemo. My mom is making some too. She makes the oatmeal fudge no bakes and they are so good! I made oatmeal raisin, oatmeal chocolate chip and chocolate chip. I am hoping that I feel good enough this week to make my sugar cookies. I was going to today but I ran out of energy. We decorate them as a family for Christmas. It is so fun!

I am going to go take a peek at Jeff’s Cheerio art work again before the birds eat it. What a sweetie!

My Dad

Today is my dad's birthday. He died 2 years ago tomorrow. He was the greatest dad. My mom and dad had 4 girls so I know he must have gone crazy some days with all of us women in the house, but he never complained. He was so kind to my mom. He would do anything for her. They had a great marriage and a good life together. They did so much! He lived a full, fun life. I miss my dad. I miss his smile. I miss him singing songs and whistling. I miss his hugs. Here is something that my sister Sharon wrote about him.

Growing Up With a Dad Like You

When I was a little girl I worshipped my daddy so much
He always seemed more special than other daddy's
I felt like the luckiest daughter alive

Growing up was easier for me than most little girls
Because I could talk to my daddy about anything
He always listened and he always cared.

When I was young he sang me lullabies
When I got married he harmonized sweet blessings
Still, as I grow older,
When I close my eyes
I here his sweet distinctive melody
In my every thought.

Written by Sharon Shank

We miss you dad

December 9, 1928 - December 10, 2004

Just moving along

I had chemo #4 and I am still trying to decide if have recovered from it yet. I feel good in the morning, then about 2:00 comes and I start to feel it. So far I have a lot of nasuea and some mouth sores with this round. I’m done with the Adriamycin and Cytoxan part of my chemo, now I move onto the Taxotere for 4 treatments every 3 weeks. The Taxotere has less nausea side effects but it causes bone pain. uggh

The last week has been emotional for me. Megan had a field trip and I didn’t know if I would be able to go with her. She was really looking forward to it. She talked to the teacher and they said if I feel good to just show up and it would be fine. Well, I ended up going with her. That was the Wednesday following my chemo. I felt really good in the morning, but I had a couple moments on the bus where I was thinking….what am I doing here. I just really wanted to be there with her. On the way home we had to stop by and pick out her senior pictures. I started crying when I saw them. I just can’t believe my little 3lb. baby girl is graduating. Her pictures are so beautiful! I came home at 2:30 and crawled into bed.

On Thursday Megan had her drivers test. All this stuff in one week is not good for someone who is already going through chemopause! She was so nervous about the parallel parking part of the test. While she was trying to park she stuck her head out the window and said to the guy….“it’s a good thing I don’t live in New York!” She is so funny, and I think she charmed the guy enough to pass her on the parking test. She passed the road test so we went right to the Secretary of State for her drivers license. AHHH!! When we got home off she went in my mini van. This is where I would say something about grey hairs….but I don’t have any hairs…lol

Megan and Jeffrey have been through so much in the last year and a half with our health. Jeff was so sick last July. He had to have a some of his colon removed because it ruptured, and we were just bouncing back from that when I was diagnosed. In fact it was a year in July for Jeff, and that is when my nightmare started. I never realized what my kids were really going through until Megan read an email to me that she wrote to someone that she hadn’t talked to in a while. Now I sit back and can’t believe how strong my kids are. I just hope that when I am done with my treatment and everything checks out good, that we have some kind of normalcy in our lives again.

The day we picked out Megan’s senior pictures and I was feeling so down, I came home and there was a package waiting for me. It was from my friends on a website that I go to! They sent me 2 survivor buffs!!  They are so soft and cozy. It was such a wonderful surprise!! I have been going on the website for a few years and have made some good friends. They have been great support for me. Maybe one day when this is all over I can make one of the get togethers. I would love that. They are all so nice. I would love to meet them! Thanks RNL!!