Tuesday, October 31, 2006

I have good news!

My mom is finally home! I went picked her up today. She is feeling really good. And I have great news! Her thyroid biopsy was benign!!! We are so relieved. She has to follow up with the cardiologist in 2 weeks but they seem to think that her heart rate was dropping due to the surgery because all of her tests came back good. I took her to get her prescription and she was so happy because it only costs $4.00! She has to be on it forever so she was worried it was going to cost a fortune. Sam’s Club has a deal with certain prescription drugs and they are all $4.00! So if your paying a lot somewhere else go check out the list and see if your drugs on there. I asked the guy if there were any chemo drugs and he laughed and said are you kidding me! lol I did see the lidocane that I use on my port to numb it before chemo, and I pay a higher copay with insurance so I may be going there soon.

As for me I am having a really good day. I feel great. I have chemo on Monday, so just like last time I start to feel better and I have to get my butt kicked again. My white count is actually high which is good. The doctor gave me a shot because he said that my lungs sounded a little congested. He said it would help clear it all up before Monday. It’s really important that you stay on schedule with the chemo, so I’m glad he caught that.

Happy Halloween!

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Mom's surgery

Having a long weekend. My moms still in the hospital, she is doing great with the surgery, but her heart rate slowed down. She saw a cardiologist this morning and they are running some tests on her to see what’s going on. We are still waiting for the pathogy report on her thyroid. The doctor said it looked good but that is the same thing they told my family when I had my lumps removed so I am waiting until I hear the final report before I celebrate!
I spent all day Friday and Saturday with her. She kept telling me to go home and take a nap but I just wanted to be there with her. I finally asked her if she would leave me and she said no, and I said see mom I'm staying! I laid in a chair next to her bed and had a pillow and blanket and she said they are going to come in her and not know who the patient is....hee hee....I am on my way up there now and her only request is a bottle of Diet Vernors. I’m sure I'll find some other goodies to take her. She might come home today if all the tests go good. I know she will be happy about that. Yesterday when they told her she had to stay she was a very unhappy Italian....lol

My white count was low on Monday so they told me to start giving myself a shot of Neupogen on Wednesday through Sunday. My mom has been doing it for me that was until she went for surgery so yesterday I had to do it myself. I did good! I was nervous but I did it! Right in the stomach. It sounds bad but it doesn't hurt at all. It just burns when you push the medicine in a little. So now I am off to give
myself another shot and visit my mom for the day! Take care.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

My Sister Sharon, My Inspiration

I have something I want to share with everyone. Some of you know my sister Sharon died from breast cancer. What you don't know is that she was a great writer. I have read her thoughts before but now they have a whole new meaning to me. When I would read them I would always think about what she must have been going through at the time, and now I know. She was an inspiration to me and to everyone around her. Here is something that I came across that I can relate to in certain ways. I know I have some friends out there that have had mastectomies that will find this a great inspiration. It is called Self Love.

Today I will make friends with the area of my body that has been through surgery. I will look at myself in the mirror and not think of myself as disfigured just because I look different.

I will focus on the fact that once, where there used to be a mound of flesh, there is now a flatter more hollow surface that, when touched, puts me that much closer to my heart and soul.

 I will realize that yes, I do look different, and yes, it does take some getting used to, but I am alive. I AM ALIVE.

What was taken from me in the desperate chance to prolong my life has given me, in return, a whole new sense of how precious and short life is, and that now is the time to re-evaluate how I want to spend the rest of my precious time here on this earth.

When I get dressed and walk from this room to greet this new day, I will so it with pride and self-love. Most of all, I will feel so grateful that I have gained a whole new insight about my life, and that from here and now I will begin making the most of it.

Written by Sharon L. Shank Copyright 1997 (Please use only with permission)

My sister Sue compiled Sharon’s writings after she died and gave a copy to my mom, and my other sister Pam. What wonderful memories we have of our sister. I have so many more to share that I will be posting soon. Thanks. Hope you like it. Trish

Monday, October 23, 2006

Work, eating and I'm a STAR!

I went to work today. The kids were all staring and asking questions about my new look. The boys thought I shaved my head just because I wanted a new hairdoo and the girls all gave me hugs and just kind of knew what was going on without too many questions.  I had a little anxiety walking into the lunch room for the first time with my hat on, but it turned out ok. I feel like I have to explain why I am not wearing a wig. I just don't feel comfortable in it. I feel like I am playing dress up. I will wear it now and then but for everyday I'm liking the hat and scarf.
I had my lab work done today and my counts are a little low so starting Wednesday I have to give myself a shot until Sunday. My mom is going to do it for me. She has to have surgery on Friday so the nurse showed me how to do it myself and I think I can do it!
My mom is having her thyroid removed Friday morning. She is kind of nervous about it. They will have to check it for cancer and it is really worrying us. I told her she isn't allowed to have cancer right now...only one person in the family at a time! She will be in the hospital a couple days and I told her I WILL be there with her! She keeps telling me I shouldn't be there because all of the germs, but I think it should be ok considering there are people in the hospital with cancer all the time...lol.  I  hope she's ok. I am so worried. I just can't imagine anything happening to my mom. She is one of my best friends.
I ate so much in the past week that I think I might explode! Nothing sounds good but once I start eating forget about it!  It's not that I am eating a lot, it's just that I get so full, and the feeling lasts all day. I went to breakfast with my mom and Sue on Sunday. It was a late breakfast around 11:00, I searched the menu and nothing sounded good...until I got to the fish dinner....lol I had fish dinner for breakfast. I know it sounds gross, but at the time that is the only thing that sounded good. Right now I could barf just thinking about it.
My friend Terri came over last night with a HUGE pot of chicken soup with dumplings and lots of other goodies! That was so nice. I know it was a lot of work. My husband has already said that my cancer is making him fat! I have always been kind of thin so I think my cancer is making ME fat too! The medicine they have these days make it a little easier toeat. I still have a sweet tooth, and I live on peanut butter and jelly toast when nothing else sounds good, so I am eating.

There is a movie on Lifetime tonight that I am looking forward to watching. It's called Why I Wore Lipstick To My Mastectomy. It is about a young women's experience with breast cancer. I went to the Lifetime web site and they wanted pictures of breast cancer survivors so I submitted my picture and guess what? They chose it and it is on the web site. Here is the link. It's picture #2 http://www.lifetimetv.com/breastcancer/photos/gallery10/index.php
My sister Sue helped me out with the release forms. I didn't hear anything so I had forgot about it. Sue called me Saturday and said....your on the web site!  Isn't that just too funny! (they did spell my last name wrong but I'm used to that) It's the picture of me trying on wigs.  I'm a star!!

Thursday, October 19, 2006

2nd Chemo down!

I had my second chemo on Monday and so far so good. Aside from a little fatigue and stomach stuff going on I'm doing ok. I may have overdone it yesterday though. I went to the Look Good Feel Better class that the American Cancer Society offers. It was wonderful! I have been volunteering with the Realy for Life for 4 years and I actually got to see what some of our money has been going for. My mom and Sue went with me. Then of course the lady that was running it had to go and do the tupperware introduce yourself game. I was the last one and when I opened my mouth I said my name and why I was there and how my family is here and how much they support me and I have 2 kids and then I started crying.....oh god! Then my mom and Sue were crying. I got over it once I opened the bag and saw all the goodies though. They gave me a big bag just filled with makeup, and I am talking good makeup! The kind I walk past in the department store and dream about! They showed how to put on your eyebrows when they start to thin, and had a lot of good tips for trying to stay up beat and nice looking through all of this.
From there we went to the wig shop where I bought my wig and I dontated my hair. They gave me a pin that says "Children with hair Loss" I donated so much hair they couldn't believe that half of it had already fallen out before I cut it off.  They also trimmed my bangs on my wig. I still haven't wore it yet. I am just not used to it. I have some special occasions that I will definetly wear it to but for now I am content in my hat and scarf.
Then we went to lunch. I didn't want to eat but my mom and sister were making sure I ate. I ended up with some chicken soup and a half of turkey pita. Once I started eating, it tasted really good and I scarfed it down.  Then my mom ordered up a HUGE piece of chocolate cake!  If you have ever been to Pipers on Telegraph road you know what I'm talking about! It is the biggest piece of cake I ever saw. I had a little piece and it was so good.  I was still full when I woke up this morning. hee hee.
I had to go to Megan's conferences yesterday too.  She didn't tell any of her teachers what is going on at home. One teacher said to her "Megan you should have let me known" and Megan said..."I didn't want you to feel like you had to give me special treatment because my mom is sick."  I had to explain to her that it is not about that. Sometimes they need toknow, for the days when your not doing good they will understand why.  They were really nice and her counseler was so nice and understanding.  It upsets me because this is Megan's senior year and I hate that she has to go through this with me. But I think she is doing ok. She has not been excluded from anything since my diagnosis.  I am keeping her informed and trust me, she asks tons of questions!
My friend Tammy stopped by today and gave me 2 terry cloth sleep caps! They are so comfy. She is a 16 year breast cancer survivor! She has been there for me with tons of information. She also cared for her mom who passed away from cancer. She brought over a vanilla frosty from Wendy's.  It was so good, my mouth is so sore the week of chemo and it really helped.
All and all I am having a good week so far considering just having chemo. I am planning on going to work Monday. I will unviel the new me to the kids!

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Bald Is Beautiful! And chemo #2

O.K. It's official, I'm a baldy!  My head was itchy and sore and I had so much coming out that I decided I had enough.  My mom and sisters came over and we put it into about 8 ponytails. Jeff cut them off so I can donate it to the wig shop where I got my wig. They make wigs for little kids so I decided that would be a good idea. Then Jeff shaved my head while my family all watched and cried with me.  All I could think was why wasn't I like one of those strong women who shave their heads to feel in control.  I know it was hard for Jeff to do, but he really wanted to be the one to do it.  Once it was done I was glad. It felt so good.  And don't worry, it wasn't all sad, we had fun too. When he was almost done I broke into a Sinead O'Conner song...Nothing Compares To You!  I washed my head in the sink and I think everyone had fun taking turns lathering up my bald head.  Sue rubbed some skin relief cream on my head and I was loving it. Jeff keeps telling me how cute I look.  Megan had a hard time, but she ok now.  My dog did a double take. I swear he did!!  Megan, Pam and Sue saw it too and we had a good laugh.

I didn't go to work all week because I was sick.  Everyone at work signed a card for me. I thought that was so nice. By Thursday my counts were back up and I started to feel good again.

I have been getting so many nice gifts.  My friend from the school I work at gave me a plaque with a beautiful saying on it about being a survivor. She also gave me a CD that has some wonderful songs on it.  I also had another friend stop over and her mom knitted some caps  for me! They are too cute. She also brought along lots of goodies! I'm talking donuts, cinnamon rolls, and bagels!  That was so nice! My mom bought a hat for me with a BC ribbon on the front.  Mike and Pam gave me a pink Detroit Tigers hat.  Sue gave me a purple BC hat too! I am going to need a hat rack!  My cousins Mike and MaryLyn also sent a really nice card and I really appreciated the gift they gave me.  I also received a package in the mail from one of my friends on a message board that I have been going on for a few for years! I was so touched by it.  There was a Breast Cancer Sucks mug and water bottle, some queasy drops for an upset stomach, 2 books and  a Survivor shirt.  Her mom is a 2 year survivor and is doing great! They have been sending a lot of good tips and advice my way.  I have been getting so many cards from my friends and family and it is nice to know that I have so much support.

Tomorrow I  will go to my second chemo armed with my Cancer Sucks water bottle!!! Great just when I started feeling good again!

 

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Shedding and Bored

Well I went to the doctor and my blood count is low. They warned me it would happen. I have a throat infection, possibly strep throat. I have to go in every day and get a shot. It will help my white cells. The nurse gave me the shot in the arm yesterday, and I it hurt so bad! It is like getting stung by a wasp only worse! You can't rub it afterward for some reason and that's all I wanted to do to take the sting away. I felt it all the way to the car. I went in today and was dreading it. I asked the nurse if the stomach would be better and she said we could try it. It freaked me out but what could be worse than yesterday in the arm! I have to say I didn't really feel it in the stomach. I felt a little burn afterward and now I have a bruise, but I will take the stomach over the arm any day.

My hair is really shedding. Yesterday I wore a ponytail and hat just to keep it from shedding all over the house. I'm just not ready to shave it off yet. We were driving down the street and Jeff goes, "why are you wearing a hat today"...and I said..."so my bangs don't blow out the car window." We laughed so hard. Today Jeff is running around with a bandana on his head and Megan was wearing my wig. I'm glad their having fun with it. lol

Ok I have heard about Chemo brain and I think I am starting to get it. A few days ago, Megan made brownies and she needed my help putting them in the pan. So I told her to hold the bowl and I started scraping away. I put the spoon down and got the rest out of the bowl with a spatula and put them in the oven. About 40 minutes later Megan is screaming for me to come down stairs and she is cracking up. She was cutting into the brownies and found something....I thought I set the spoon on the counter but noooo, I baked it into the brownies. We laughed so hard! hee hee. Then yesterday I went to Walgreen for my medicine. I got a call from them about 5 minutes after I got home. I left one of my bags in the basket outside. Someone turned it in. I was so embarrassed because all the bag had in it were 2 king size resee cups and some raisenettes...lolol They tracked me down and called me and said, we thought you might want your resee cups. She was right I did! Too funny.

I can't go to work until my counts are back up. I will have to start doing ebay again to keep myself busy.

Tomorrow I go for genetic counseling. (and another shot) My doctor wanted me to go. My Mom, Sue, Pam, and Megan are going too. I'm curious to see what it's all about. Kind of scary for my family I think. Do they want to know if they have the gene? Would I want to know if it were me and didn't have BC? We are just going to learn about it for now and make a decision later. I have a lot of research to do on that.

Sunday, October 8, 2006

Feeling good and Halloween!!

Halloween, what can I say. Sharon loved halloween and she would have parties and even had a haunted hayride in her backyard for the kids.  This weekend was spent at the little league haunted house. Sue and Pam worked really hard this year to get it ready and they did a great job. My entire family volunteers.  We have so much fun.  We all have our spots in the house and love to scare people! My mom even comes and works.   Friday I felt really good other than having a headache, so I went up there with my husband. I had a hot chocolate at about 10:00 and by 10:15 I knew it was a wrong move.  There I was in my scary hiding spot in the house feeling sick, with a barf bag in my lap, waiting for the next victims to come by to scare. I went out to the van when we had a break and told Jeff, I have to get home NOW!!
I made it home just in time. Let's just say, no more hot chocolate for me. 
I had a good weekend. I had a headache on Saturday, but today I felt fantastic! It is so nice to have a day where nothing hurts. Wait, I take that back, my scalp is very sore, and today I ran my fingers through my hair and came up with a pretty good bunch of hair in my  hand. Megan was standing there and I said "oh no" and we looked at eachother and started cracking up!!?? Why I don't know, but she said mom don't laugh, and I said you laughed first! And then we both laughed again.
Oh well, I knew it was coming. I'm ready for it.
My son Jeffrey went to the grocery store for me yesterday and he came home and said I bought you something. He had 2 breast cancer awarness DONUTS! lol They were so cute. Pink frosting and little white ribbons. Yes, I ate them both!
I have been getting such a collection of scarves from people. Pam gave me 2 halloween, and 1 valentine. Then my daughter's friend Amanda and her boyfriend Kyle came over today and Kyle's mom bought me an orange one and a pink one.  They were also wearing  pink breast cancer bacelets. I thought that was so sweet.
I also recieved a cute little pin from Patti, a women at little league, she also has breast cancer, it says, Fight Like a Girl. She said someone gave it to her when she was diagnosed and now she is passing it on to me! That was so sweet.
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I think I will have blood work done to check my counts. I am hoping they are good so I can work this week. Then next Monday Chemo,  ...uggg.....  just when I'm starting to feel good again.

Wednesday, October 4, 2006

My heads getting Tingly

Oh no, I think it is starting to happen. My head is feeling wierd. Like zingy feeling. Am I ready for this? I can't imagine myself with no hair. Little spots on my head are feeling itchy and tingly.  This is what has depressed me the most, but now I wish it would just happen.

I have been feeling really good. I've been going to work and I have great friends there. They are so concerned for me. Today my friend gave me a pretty Breast Cancer Ribbon Pin made of pink rinstones.  It's beautiful. I pinned it on my sweater as soon as she gave it to me. I have wore these before, but this time it was just a different feeling to put this pin on and know that it was meant for me. I am learning to accept the fact that I have Breast Cancer. I know I have it, I am living it, but sometimes it just seems like a bad dream. I guess in a few days when my hair is gone, It will become a HUGE reality.

Monday, October 2, 2006

Sleep, Nausea, and the Homecoming Dance

Thursday when I was feeling good we went out on my second wig shopping trip and had a good time. I did find a wig. It wasn’t the one I originally picked out but it is really nice. We also went to The Josephine Ford Cancer Center because my friend at the American Cancer Society recommended it. They had a room we could go in and pick out whatever I wanted. I picked out 6 little knit caps and 2 blonde bombshell wigs just for Jeff. Hee hee.

Friday I went to work and it felt good to get out of the house and go someplace other than the doctor. The kids are starting to ask questions and I am just being honest with them. They will find out sooner or later when I show up with a scarf on my head. A teacher at school made me 3 beautiful scarves! She had her own battle with cancer last year and she couldn’t find anything to fit her head right. She made her own so she wanted to make sure I had some too. I thought that was so nice. What a thoughtful thing to do! Her hair is growing back now and it looks so cute! Another friend from work came over Friday evening and brought my family dinner from Famous Dave’s. It was right on time because after working and running to the post office and bank afterward, I was feeling tired. It was such a nice meal. It was from the maintenance crew at work. How thoughtful! She also brought me a book about nutrition and cancer. There are some good recipes and it has some good information on what to eat when your battling cancer. .

Megan had her homecoming dance yesterday. I felt so bad because I was having a “bad day.” I am a hairdresser so I always do her hair for dances, but I just wasn’t thinking that maybe I wouldn’t feel good enough to do it for her. She started getting ready at about 11:00 and at 2:00 I was on a heap in her bed thinking I should have made her a hair appointment. I finally got up and did her hair and it turned out beautiful! I have to say though, we might be in trouble on her wedding day…I think I may have a bridzilla on my hands!! Pam was here and can testify to that. Pam stayed for a few hours cleaned my kitchen and made some macaroni and cheese one of the few things that sounds good lately.

Every Sunday we go out to breakfast with my family. My mom, Pam and Mike and Sue and Steve and whoever else shows up. This week I just wasn’t into it, so at about 9:00 this morning, Jeff woke me up and said, “come on were going to breakfast“….I went downstairs and he had made me breakfast! It was so nice. He had the whole spread. Eggs, toast, sausage, hashbrowns.  He did a good job and he even did the dishes!

Today I’m not doing that great with food. Nothing sounds good. I force myself to eat and then I feel sick. It is so frustrating. I haven’t been feeling all that great for the last two days. I have been really tired and sick to my stomach. I went out on the porch for a while today just to get some fresh air. I hope I feel good enough to go in to work tomorrow. I have to go get my blood work done and see how my counts are, if they are good I can go to work for the week.

This has been a hard journal entry only because I just haven’t felt good the last couple days. I know I will have my days when I feel good and bad, but the bad sucks!! I’m hoping this week is better.