Picking out a wig

Oh lord, picking out a wig. A WIG!!!  ahhh when I walked in there was a little old lady in the wig chair who was there because she WANTED a wig. Me and my mom and sister walked in and started looking around until the lady was ready for me. Then she turned around and said ok who are we here for.....I could barely choke out the words.....I said. "meeeeee."   I almost lost it, but I bounced back and composed myself.

Seriously, there is not much to choose from. The first one I tried on I looked just like my sister Sharon who passed away from breast cancer 12 years ago. Kinda freaked us out. There I was in the mirror with my sister staring back at me. My poor mom had a hard time I think. She was kind of quiet the rest of the trip.

I tried on short wigs,  long wigs, scary wigs and finally found one I can live with.  It is shoulder length and flippy and cute. The only thing the one they had was plum color and I looked like a gothic chick. So I had to find a color I liked, The picture above with the short little wig on my long hair is the color I picked. I didn't order it yet because my wig coupon was $200.00 and the wig was $300.00. She told me to come home and call my insurance company to see if they covered any of it. I just called and they don't. They will cover my $500,000. cancer treatment but won't flip for a wig...no pun intended. Oh well, I am still going to order it. I need hair! I was just hoping to find one in the $200.00 price range and I would have if I wanted hair like a doll that's been stuck in a closet for 10 years. Some of them were awful. You can really tell the difference.

I just hope it looks nice in the color I picked out. That is a lot of money not to be satisfied.

I have been doing good today. I woke up a little nauseated, but it has calmed down a bit. I went to out to lunch with my mom and sister after the wig fiasco, and walked in feeling ill and not knowing what to order. Then I ended up scarfing down a steak sub. Now I am a little icky feeling. I really didn't eat much yesterday, so I knew I had to eat. I am hoping I can go to work tomorrow. I can't stand sitting home. I think too much..... 

My first Chemo and Thank God for Lidocaine

 

Here is a picture of my daughter Megan and Me.

Ok so I had my first Chemo. I woke up and took my anti nausea pill, slathered the numbing cream on my port-a cath and covered it in saran wrap like I was told to.

My mom came over to take me for my appointment, when she got there I was putzing around the house until she finally said, "ok missy, quit stalling, lets go".  She was right, I was stalling. It's not that I was nervous I had found a calm the night before. I sat at the end of my bed and thought, ok this is it, I have to be strong and just do this. So off we went to chemo, by the time we got there I was clutching my Worry Stone.

My daughter Megan wanted to go with me. I didn't  know if it was a good idea. She said, “mom I really want to be there with you,” so I let her come. When we got there, she sat on the floor with her head on my leg. Up to this point Megan has not shown too much emotion to me except for when she first heard the news and ran into the basement. I had to go get her and tell her everything was going to be fine. She was doing fine just talking with me about wigs and stuff when a lady and her husband walked in. She had a scarf on her head with a cap and you could see her bald head underneath. She sat next to her husband and put her head on his shoulder. That’s when Megan broke down. She looked up at me and said, Momma. I don’t want you to be like that.” She cried with her head in my lap until she was all cried out.

When they called my name my stomach dropped and off we went to my doom. I had a private room with a television and a recliner and guest chairs. I sat down and that is when my nerves took over again. I was shaking.

The nurse came in and it was time for the thing I feared the most…..accessing the port for the first time. It had been so sore and I just couldn't imaging it being poked at. She took off the saran and prepared it…… OK….. This is it…….POKE…….guess what?…I didn’t feel a thing. Thank god for the lidocaine cream. And to think I lost sleep over THAT!!

First the nurse gave me some Ativan for my nerves because I was ready to jump out of skin. About five minutes later I was getting sleepy and looking at my mom and Megan through one eye. OK I was ready….bring it on!!!

It was time for my chemo. First came the Adriamycin. This one was pushed into my I.V. by the nurse very slowly. While she’s doing this she told me that I will pee red for a couple days…great I’ve peed blue, green, and now red. As she was pushing the drug into my body, I imagined…what could be going on in there…was it doing it’s job? I hope so.

The next was the Cytoxen. That took longer and was in an I.V. drip. I watched it drip until I final curled up and fell asleep.I woke up and Megan and my mom walked me out to the car because I felt a little wobbly.

When I got home I crawled in bed. My mom got me settled and had to go to work. Jeff came home and loved me up and told me he was glad I was on my way to getting better. Jeffrey rubbed my legs and feet. And Megan cleaned the house. Then my best friend Annie came over and we laid in my bed and cried together. My mom is staying over for a couple days. I could not do this without her. I need her now.

All in all I feel ok today. Not great just ok. I have a terrible headache. I’ve had it all day.

My mom keeps telling me to go and lay down, but I’m a busy body.  I stopped and put my head against the cold kithcen doorway to ease my head pain and I looked up at the ceiling fan and gasped. Next thing you know I'm on a chair in the kitchen with the murphy's oil soap and a rag, that is until Jeffrey screamed GRANDMA....come see my mom!! That was the end of that....grandma finished cleaning the ceiling fan. I think I will take her up on that and go to bed. I’m tired.

 To all my message board and journal friends that are going through this….I’m thinking of you!!! We can DO this!!

 

 

 

 

Getting ready for chemo

So tomorrow is my first chemo. I slept really good last night and got up early today and started cleaning. So far I have done laundry, cleaned the upstairs carpet, made 2 homemade chicken pot pies in case I'm not feeling good enough to feed my family tomorrow, cleaned the bathroom, and was referee for a bicker fight between Jeff and Megan. It helps to keep busy but there it is in the back of my mind....chemo...chemo...chemo..what an ugly word.

I am going on information overload right now. I have read everything I could get my hands on to prepare for this. I have so much stuff running through my mind. Drink plenty of water, get biotene mouth wash for mouth sores, make sure I take my pill before I go for chemo. I have to make sure I drink lots of water, I'm not much of a water drinker, so I made some green iced tea. It is really good, although now I am peeing a wierd light green. I have already peed blue. That was when I had my sentinal node biopsy. They give you blue dye to locate the sentinal node. I peed blue for 2 days. I'm not talking a light blue! The first time it looked like tidy bowl and I was tepmted to get the toilet brush and scrub!

I guess I will go back to cleaning. Just want to make sure my house is in order.

 

Friends and Family

I couldn't sleep tonight. I have too much stuff running through my mind. Just stupid stuff like, I have to clean the carpet, I have to get stamps tomorrow, I have to bring in my plants, I have to get the furnace cleaned, the dog needs a haircut. Then I started thinking about my friends and family and how great everyone has been since I was diagnosed.

I always knew I had great friends and relatives. I have received so many cards, phone calls, and e-mails from people who are concerned about me, some of whom I have not talked to in a long time. I love that I can hear from someone who I haven't talked to for a while and we can pick up right where we left off.  Our lives are so busy but when it comes down to it your friends and family are always there for you when you need them. 

I was at work yesterday and a boy who happens to be in a wheelchair said to me, "you look so pretty today, I wish I had a camera so I could take a picture of you." I thought that was so sweet. He said to me, "see you tomorrow." When I told him I wouldn't be there tomorrow  he said, "see you Monday." Then I told him I wouldn't be there Monday either. He asked me why and I told him I had to go see the Doctor. Then he wanted to know if I was sick and I told him to ask his teacher and she would tell him. He wheeled over to his teacher, I saw him talking to her with a very concerned look. He came back over to me with his arms wide open so I leaned down and hugged him. He said, "I will say a prayer for you tonight when I get home."  I thought that was so sweet. It made me realize that yes, I am going to be in for a fight,  I am going to lose my hair, but I will get over this and move on. For me, this is just a bump in the road as my doctor put it, but for him, he will have a challenge for the rest of his life.  For him to say he would say a prayer for me meant a lot. I am going to say a prayer for him tonight too.

good night....

 

 

Feeling sorry for myself

Ok so yesterday I had a poor me day. I cried most of the day. I cried on the phone to my mom, my sister, on the way home from work and on the way to meet my family for lunch. I am starting to realize that I am going to lose my hair. Anyone who knows me knows I have A LOT of hair! I have very thick long hair that I wrestle with every time I wash it. It takes about 40 minutes to blow dry. I have to do it in sections, clip some up blow dry that, let another section down and blow dry that. Then from there I use a straightener. Same routine. I have bitched and complained about this for years, however, last night as I was going through my ritual I was standing there staring at this poofy mess and I just couldn't take it. I lost it, right there in front of my kids. They both came into the bathroom to comfort me as I complained how awful I am going to look without hair. They both told me I would look cute. Ha cute. I don't think so. Oh, another thing...I have never noticed so many bald men in my life!

Yesterday on the way to meet my mom, Sue, Steve, and Stephanie, for lunch, every song that came on the radio made me cry. Some made me think about my dad, some made me think about Sharon, and some just made me think about my life. I can't listen to the radio lately. It depresses me.

 I met my mom at Kohl's after lunch.  I went right to the hat and scarf section because I have to face the fact that I am going to need something to cover my bald head. I have never been a hat person because I have so much hair that they are hard to fit on my head. I finally picked out a cute little baseball cap. I came home and put it on, and I have to tell you, it did look cute....WITH HAIR!!!.... I tucked all my hair up underneath and I look like a little boy. I still have to figure out what I'm going to do about this hair thing. Oakwood Hospital gave me a $200.00 coupon for a wig, so I guess I will go wig shopping. Maybe I will go back to blonde again. hee hee....

 

Chemo Class

On the way home from breakfast yesterday I mentioned to Jeff that there was only one more week until chemo, and how scared I was. He said, "that's only one week away until you start getting better!" Of course I wasn't looking at it that way. I feel good. I don't feel like I have to get better. Sure I have been feeling lousy from the pain medication from the surgery but all in all I feel pretty good! I am just not looking forward to feeling lousy from chemo. Jeff also said, "I can take you losing your hair, I can take you without a breast, (which thank god I didn't have to lose), I just can't take losing you, so you have to get better." He's so sweet. Today he came out of the  bathroom with a scarf on his head and said, look I'll wear one too, ears in or ears out! He is such a goofball. Earlier in the week I had modeled a scarf for him and gave him a sneak preview and asked him....ears in or out, and he told me how pretty I looked with a scarf on.

Today I went to chemo class with my mom and Sue. First they put in a video to watch. Now I know why I didn't do so good in school. While the video was going I was talking to them, and being silly. Then I would realize that I needed to pay attention, and would say..."Sue did you write that down?" (she's my secretary.) hee hee. When the video was over, the nurse came in with a folder full of information and 4 prescriptions. Take this one an hour before chemo, take this one 3 days after chemo, put this on before chemo, and take this for ANXIETY..!!!?? Huh, what? I have never been the anxious type but I think she saw me chewing my fingernails and my legs bouncing up and down and when I told her I was scared for Monday to come, she decided to write me that prescription. I told her I felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin. She said, "take it." I still haven't taken it.

So now my chemo has been moved up to 11:00 on Monday. She said I should be there 3 hours. My mom has to work that evening and wants to be able to stay with me and not have to rush off.  She said she is also going to spend the night that night with me! Awww I love her!

A girl at work brought me in an Angel Star Worry Stone. I thought that was so sweet. It's a clear stone with an angel in it. I am going to take it to my first chemo with me. It says "as you hold the stone in your hand, imagine the Angel's calm presence surrounding you. Imagine yourself letting go of hurts or worries." So that's what I'm going to do!

 

 

I got the call

On the Monday following my surgery I decided to call the office for my results. They said they were not in yet and the doctor would call me later if they came in. Jeff came home from work and we went to the store. When we came back in, we listened to our messages and there was one from my doctor, he wanted me in his office at 10:00 the next morning to talk about the biopsy results. This is where I lost it. I told Jeff that there was no way this was going to be good news. I called my sisters and they came right over. We listened to the message and analyzed the Doctor's words and tone trying to figure out if it was good or bad, in a way I already knew what it was, but was being hopeful.

August 22, 2006

My mom and sisters came with me to the Doctors. Jeff wanted to and I told him to go to work. I know it sounds mean but I knew he would be devastated to hear the news from the doctor and I told him it might not even be bad news! Dr. Turfah came into the room where me and my entourage were. (I call them that now because they are with me everywhere I go) This is when I found out I have Breast Cancer. Invasive Ductal Carcinoma Grade 3 and triple negative (which means it is not estrogen fed) It is an agressive type of breast cancer.  I heard him say it. I saw my family crying, but somehow it just was not sinking in. I tried to listened to him explain what had to be done next, and when the poor guy got done, I asked him to repeat everything he just said, because I didn't hear it the first time. Then he scheduled a Sentinel Node biopsy. We left the office came home and ordered food! Yup that is how we deal with stress in our family, we eat!

Sept. 6, 2006   My first oncologist appointment.

I went to see Dr. Enrique Signori, he is so nice. I told my surgeon he better pick a good one and I think he came through for me. Trust me it was an experience. My mom and my sister Sue were with me, and they were in the room for the good the bad and the ugly! Yes they were there for my breast exam, yes they were there for my abdomen exam, and YES they were there for my RECTAL EXAM! My first one ever. Trust me I was not happy, but he said it had to be done. He told me I could kick them out and the nurse could come in. But I told them to stay. Why not. I had already lost all my dignity with all the other tests. He told me it would only take a minute and I said, "a minutes a long time." I have to tell you we laughed so hard thatwe still can't talk about it without laughing. During this visit I learned that I had to have radiation and chemotherapy. He also said I would have to have a port put in my chest for the chemo. My node biopsy was the next day, so he called my surgeon to see if he could squeeze in another surgery that day and put in the port a cath.

September 7, 2006

Surgery went good. I am really not that sore on the lymph node side, but the port side is really bothering me. It is just odd to have something under your skin like that. When I look down and see the bump it is a constant reminder of what is to come.

September 8, 2006

Our 22nd wedding anniversary! yup 22 years. Jeff has been doing the dishes and cleaning up. The joke is that it only took 22 years of marriage and breast cancer for him to help out around the house. I know he is having a hard time with this. The first few days after we found out, he couldn't even look at me without his eyes filling up with tears. I love him!

September 11, MRI

So by now I have had a bone scan, abdominal ultra sound, and chest x-rays and they all came back good! Now it was time for a breast MRI. I was still really sore from the surgery, I could barely lift my arms. Great another I.V. For this test you had to lay on your stomach with your boobs hanging through holes and put your arms up WAY over your head like in a diving position. It hurt so bad but what could I do. I had to lay still for about 30 minutes. My arms were shaking from the pain and I tried to be as still as I could or they would have had to start over. I laid there forcing myself to think about anything but what was really happening. There were banging sounds and beeps and I felt like I had been abducted by aliens. They give you earplugs so it isn't too loud. When they came in and said I was done I couldn't get up out of there fast enough.

Next day back to Dr. Signori.

Today I found out that the lymph nodes are clear! They told my family after surgery that the prelimianry test was good, but I was still waiting to hear the final results and was really happy to hear they were good.

MRI showed that there is something that they are going to recheck in about 4 months. He said it could just be scar tissue from the surgery. On this visit he told me when my chemo would start, and set me up to talk to a chemo nurse. So my entourage and I went to talk to the nurse. My first chemo will be September 25 at 2:00. So now I have a treatment plan. The nurse scheduled another test called a MUGA test to check my heart to see if it is strong enough for the chemo.

Another test? Great! I had to have another I.V., by this time I have had enough nucleur medicine shot into me that I am pretty sure I'm starting to glow. They tried 3 times to get a good vien and finally they got it. I laid there like a good girl, still as can be, only this time it was different, I was getting pissed off. I was lying there thinking why is this happening to me! When I was done I got up, went to my car and finally broke down. I was crying because I was mad, not because I was feeling sorry for myself but because I had already had enough and it really hasn't even started yet! By Friday I was still in a pissy mood. I kept apologizing to everyone that I was pissy too. They understand I guess. Now I am just waiting for Monday to get here so I can go to my chemo class. It's getting closer and I am getting nervous.

 

I found something!

I always feared this would happen to me because of my sister Sharon. She died from breast cancer. I've always had my mammograms since she was diagnosed because of the risk factor and family history, I just really never thought it would happen to me. This is how it all came to be.

I starting having pains under my left breast, so one night while I was laying in bed watching television, I started feeling around and found 2 little lumps, and 1 larger one. I always checked so these came up pretty quick. I went and told my husband and he could feel them too and his response was, "make an appointment" that is always his response to all my little health concerns I throw at him, but this time he meant it. He was scared. I was due for my mammogram and pap test so I called the Doctor the next day. I went in for my exam and she checked the lumps and told me to go for my mammogram as soon as possible. It was in the same building so I went right away and made the appointment. By the time the day of my appointment came, one of the lumps had grown pretty large and was really sore.

June 26, 2006 I had my mammogram

Mammograms usually don't bother me but because of the painful lump I had it was uncomfortable. After they did both breasts she came back in and focused on the left one and did 20 different films and poses. She came back and told me I had to have an ultra sound right away. When I was done with the ultra sound she came and told me the radiologist would like to talk to me. He told me that he was recommending that I have all three surgically removed. I was scared but I knew it had to be done.

I made an appointment with a surgeon, Dr. Turfah. My mom and both my sisters went with me. He said that he would do a core needle biopsy on the largest one to see what we were dealing with. I had the procedure done and the results came back clear and that it was fibrocystic changes. I was relieved! Then he told me he still wanted to remove all three lumps just to be sure. We had a vacation planned with the entire family. So he told me to go have fun and we would take them out when I got back.

August 16, 2006 Surgery day

On the day of surgery I had to be there early so they could do something called a Needle Wire Localization. I was so scared! They put you in a mammogram machine and the top paddle has holes in it. Well, if you ever had a mammogram you know that they squish you, take their picture and release you. This was different, I was trapped in that machine for at least 45 minutes! Yes 45 minutes! I told the technician if there is a fire she better push the release button before she runs. This procedure was awful. They took a picture, read it, came back and graphed out where the area of concern is , then took a needle and poked it through the hole in the paddle. YIKES! then they released the needle and a long wire with a hook on the end stay in my breast. I had to have it done on 2 areas. I was trying to be strong but I was on the verge of tears a couple times. They had to start over 3 time because I would slip out and move a little and then they would have take out the needle, and graph it all over again. When they were finally done  they put me on the hospital bed in the hallway. I looked down and it looked like I had antennas coming out of my boob, it was painful and I laid there choking back tears. From there I went right to surgery. I don't remember much except for my mom and sister standing there and I was complaining to the nurse (who was a guy) that I didn't have any underwear on and why can't I wear my underwear when I am having surgery on my boob! I went on and on about this and he said to the other nurse, "uh you need to get in here"...so the other nurse comes in and puts something in my I.V. and that's the last thing I remembered! When I woke up, the nurse said..."you have your underwear on!"  I must have babbled on about my underwear so much that they put them on me when I was out! I still think about that and laugh. Surgery went good and the doctor even told my family everything looked good and he doubted I had anything to worry about. So I went home and waited for the results. I thoughtl maybe it could be cancer, but then I would think...this is not going to happen to me!

 I was really sore and couldn't sleep, and when I did I had nightmares! My family was there for me. Everyone would gather upstairs onto my Kingsize bed to hang out with me. I love them! they are so GREAT!!

The waiting.......I waited all weekend to hear something, and when I didn't I decided to call the office. They said they results were not in and the doctor would call me when they were...so I waited some more.