The White Tornado

I had a really nice Christmas. I felt really good. My mom on the other hand said every bone in her body hurt that day and that she prayed at church to take my pain away. Unfortunately for her it worked.  We had such a nice family Christmas. We played games and had a really nice dinner. The only problem I had on Christmas was mouth sores and my throat hurt. When I woke up the next morning my voice was gone, and it still is. It is coming back slowly.

I went for my lab work on Wednesday and my white count was at zero. My ly, mo, gr, ly#, mo#, and my gr# didn’t even register. (I don’t even know what those are but they seemed pretty concerned). They put me on antibiotics and I have to do the “stupid shot” as I now call it. I hate doing it! It doesn’t really hurt too bad anymore, just burns when the medicine is pushed in, but I just hate poking that needle into my stomach. Last night I actually prayed to my sister Sharon to help me find the courage to just do it after I kept putting it off. But I did it. And I just did it again!

I have literally been on the couch for 3 days straight. I am just exhausted. My sister Pam came over on Thursday and she is like the white tornado. She came armed with an industrial size box of garbage bags and 5 organizing bins! She went down in my basement (that I have been complaining about) and went to work. I didn’t see her for 3 hours! She did all my laundry, Then she came upstairs and scrubbed my bathroom. I just can’t thank her enough. I have not done any deep cleaning in so long.

I was talking to my sister Sue on the phone the other day and told her I was craving Reese’s Puffs cereal. It was kind of late. Next thing you know she is at my door with a box of Reese’s Puffs! I am getting way too spoiled. I may not recover from it when this cancer thing is over!! I love my sisters so much. They are always there for me.

Pam took me to Target and I had a minnie breakdown in the store. I was just so tired and I could not even shop and it was so frustrating. I was pushing along the cart and the tears just started to well up in my eyes from seeing everyone just shopping and going about their lives. It got to me. I know I will be normal again, but sometimes it just seems so far away. I really want to report some sort of fun, but the last few days have just not been fun at all. I am going to try really hard to have something positive to report to everyone! In the mean time I am going to go curl up on my couch and see what tomorrow brings. I hope everyone has a Happy New Year!

This is a link to a really nice song I found that kind of sums up how I feel.   It is the first song called Maybe Tonight, Maybe Tomorrow.  http://www.wideawake.com/www/wa_main.html

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Merry Christmas

Can anyone be this miserable? I am so over this Breast Cancer thing. Here it is Christmas Eve and I can barely get myself off the couch. This treatment has really knocked me out. I am so frustrated. I don’t feel like getting dressed or moving. My mind wants to go, go, go, but my body will not. I don’t feel like watching television or reading, all I want is for the days to be over so I can try and go to sleep. Sleeps another story. I have been sleeping on the couch because I am up 10 times a night with hot flashes and I don’t want to wake up Jeff. I have watched every infomercial that is out there. This is what I have learned so far. I am sure I can now become a millionaire buying homes and re-selling them after I fix them up, I know I can have acne free, baby soft skin if I follow a simple 3 step regimen, I can Bedazzle anything in my house and make it snazzy. I can have a sparkling clean colon if I take a colon potion, I can put a blanket in a big bag and suck it into to a small square that will fit in the silverware drawer, and I can dance my way into losing 20 pounds in a week.

I am really trying not to be so down but I think because it is the holiday and I am so used to being such a busy body, that’s what is so hard. At this point I don’t even know if I forgot anyone on my list I am so confused. I didn’t even do my Christmas cards. I bought them, but I never wrote them out.

I only went to work 1 day last week. But they did ask me if I would come in for a little while and I thought it was to exchange our presents. Megan had to drive me because I was not feeling good at all. I had a lot of bone pain, so I had to take pain medication. I didn’t even get dressed. I had my sweats on and a t shirt. When I got there the Principle asked me to go down to the gym and wait for them. So there I am sitting in a chair and they are getting ready for a teacher vs. student basketball game. Before the game started, they called me out onto the gym floor in front of the entire school and said that the kids have been having a fundraiser selling ice cream and they presented me with the money they raised. I couldn’t believe it. I started crying. I was so overwhelmed. It is really going to help my family out. I have so many medicalbills and deductibles for my medicine and I have not been working alot. I also make my car payment with my check so that has been hard too. How nice of them to do that for my family. When I looked up in the bleachers and saw all the kids clapping and smiling, it was so emotional for me. I still can’t believe they did that.

Jeff took me to the store today to get some last minute things for Christmas. While he was checking out at the dollar store I had all I could do not to sit on the floor in a heap and wait for him. I wanted to get my kids some stocking stuffers. I know they are older and I did tell them no stockings this year but I laid on the couch and it drove me crazy that I didn’t get them anything for their stockings.

My mom and Sue came over this morning to visit after church. I cried when I saw them because I am so miserable. I try not to cry in front of my mom, but I just lost it. I had a bad night and sometimes you just need your mommy! She cooked breakfast for us. Pancakes, sausage, eggs, hash browns! It was so good! I loved their visit.

Megan got her senior pictures. I am so proud of her. She looks just beautiful. I think about when she was born and how she had to struggle because she was a preemie. (3lbs. 4 ounces) I can’t believe how time flies and how she is so grown up and she will be graduating in June.

I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas! I hope you all have a wonderful day.

 

 

Chemo, Cookies and Cheerios

I haven’t written in my journal in a while. I had a bad month. I am finally feeling good again. I went to work all week and did good. After the first hour I start to yawn uncontrollably and then I come home and sleep for 3 hours. I go for my 5th treatment on Monday and I am starting on Taxotere so I am a little nervous about what the side effects are going to be. With the Adriamycin and Cytoxan I have had mouth sores, nausea, constipation, diarrhea, headaches, bone aches, acid reflux, and hot flashes about 100 times a day! I have had no appetite but have managed to gain 9 pounds! The doctor said it is from the steroids. Jeff is all about me gaining wait. He says I need to stay healthy. I feel like a bloated toad. I have tried to write in my journal but it has been difficult. I am trying to keep my positive attitude but it’s hard sometimes. My eyelashes and eyebrows are starting to fall out so when I look in the mirror with no makeup on I think I look like an alien.

My friend Patty that lives down the street came over to visit the other day and she gave me a blanket to snuggle on the couch with. Her mom made it and it is just beautiful! It has the breast cancer ribbon and roses embroidered on it. There is a picture of it above. I just love it. I am always curled up with it that is until a hot flash hits and it goes flying across the room along with my whatever I have covering my bald head at the time. Then 2 minutes later I am freezing and scrambling to keep warm again.

Jeff knows I have been miserable lately and he has been cleaning and organizing stuff. Well today he did the sweetest thing. I gave him some stale Cheerioes that have been around a while and told him to go throw them in the yard for the birds. When he came in, he came upstairs and told me to go look out the window. He wrote “I LOVE YOU TRISH!” in Cheerios on the lawn. I couldn’t believe it! He is the kind of guy that tells me he loves me 100 times a day, but to write I love you in Cheerios! It was sweet. All I could do was hug him and tell him how special that was to me. He was so happy that I was happy! He made my day. Then I told him I have been waiting for that romantic moment for 22 years! LOLOL!

I have been making cookies all day today. I am taking some to the nurses tomorrow when I go for chemo. My mom is making some too. She makes the oatmeal fudge no bakes and they are so good! I made oatmeal raisin, oatmeal chocolate chip and chocolate chip. I am hoping that I feel good enough this week to make my sugar cookies. I was going to today but I ran out of energy. We decorate them as a family for Christmas. It is so fun!

I am going to go take a peek at Jeff’s Cheerio art work again before the birds eat it. What a sweetie!

My Dad

Today is my dad's birthday. He died 2 years ago tomorrow. He was the greatest dad. My mom and dad had 4 girls so I know he must have gone crazy some days with all of us women in the house, but he never complained. He was so kind to my mom. He would do anything for her. They had a great marriage and a good life together. They did so much! He lived a full, fun life. I miss my dad. I miss his smile. I miss him singing songs and whistling. I miss his hugs. Here is something that my sister Sharon wrote about him.

Growing Up With a Dad Like You

When I was a little girl I worshipped my daddy so much
He always seemed more special than other daddy's
I felt like the luckiest daughter alive

Growing up was easier for me than most little girls
Because I could talk to my daddy about anything
He always listened and he always cared.

When I was young he sang me lullabies
When I got married he harmonized sweet blessings
Still, as I grow older,
When I close my eyes
I here his sweet distinctive melody
In my every thought.

Written by Sharon Shank

We miss you dad

December 9, 1928 - December 10, 2004

Just moving along

I had chemo #4 and I am still trying to decide if have recovered from it yet. I feel good in the morning, then about 2:00 comes and I start to feel it. So far I have a lot of nasuea and some mouth sores with this round. I’m done with the Adriamycin and Cytoxan part of my chemo, now I move onto the Taxotere for 4 treatments every 3 weeks. The Taxotere has less nausea side effects but it causes bone pain. uggh

The last week has been emotional for me. Megan had a field trip and I didn’t know if I would be able to go with her. She was really looking forward to it. She talked to the teacher and they said if I feel good to just show up and it would be fine. Well, I ended up going with her. That was the Wednesday following my chemo. I felt really good in the morning, but I had a couple moments on the bus where I was thinking….what am I doing here. I just really wanted to be there with her. On the way home we had to stop by and pick out her senior pictures. I started crying when I saw them. I just can’t believe my little 3lb. baby girl is graduating. Her pictures are so beautiful! I came home at 2:30 and crawled into bed.

On Thursday Megan had her drivers test. All this stuff in one week is not good for someone who is already going through chemopause! She was so nervous about the parallel parking part of the test. While she was trying to park she stuck her head out the window and said to the guy….“it’s a good thing I don’t live in New York!” She is so funny, and I think she charmed the guy enough to pass her on the parking test. She passed the road test so we went right to the Secretary of State for her drivers license. AHHH!! When we got home off she went in my mini van. This is where I would say something about grey hairs….but I don’t have any hairs…lol

Megan and Jeffrey have been through so much in the last year and a half with our health. Jeff was so sick last July. He had to have a some of his colon removed because it ruptured, and we were just bouncing back from that when I was diagnosed. In fact it was a year in July for Jeff, and that is when my nightmare started. I never realized what my kids were really going through until Megan read an email to me that she wrote to someone that she hadn’t talked to in a while. Now I sit back and can’t believe how strong my kids are. I just hope that when I am done with my treatment and everything checks out good, that we have some kind of normalcy in our lives again.

The day we picked out Megan’s senior pictures and I was feeling so down, I came home and there was a package waiting for me. It was from my friends on a website that I go to! They sent me 2 survivor buffs!!  They are so soft and cozy. It was such a wonderful surprise!! I have been going on the website for a few years and have made some good friends. They have been great support for me. Maybe one day when this is all over I can make one of the get togethers. I would love that. They are all so nice. I would love to meet them! Thanks RNL!!

 

Where's Baldo?

I have Chemo #4 on Monday.  It seems like I just found out that I had breast cancer and now I am half way done with the chemotherapy.I had exactly 2 really good days this round of treatment, yesterday and today. I have been full of energy!

We had a great time shopping on Friday. I went with Sue, Pam and Jeffrey. Jeff went too but sat in the car, I let him go home after I caught him snoozing in the van and about scared the crap out of him when I knocked on the window.  I had a moment where I got really tired but I got a second wind and shopped some more. We started out at 5:00 a.m. at Meijer. Then we went to the mall. When we were there we lost track of Jeffrey and he kept calling me on the cell phone. We kept losing connection and he was getting so frustrated. When he finally found us he said "that was like playing Where's Waldo." Then he said, "no  it was really like playing Where's BALDO!!"  We all laughed so hard. He has his dad's sense of humor.   We got really good deals. I saved so much money.  I am on a budget this year so I have to watch out for the good sales!  When we were done we went to Red Lobster. (I love the cheesy biscuits) By the time I got home I was so tired. I napped for a little while and then ended up getting sick. Uggg.

Sue snuck out of church to call me and tell me to meet them for breakfast this morning. We usually go every Sunday.  I called Jeffrey because he was going out to breakfast with his girlfriend Bonnie. They already ate so they met us at the other restaurant just to see everyone. It was so nice to go again. I haven't been feeling up to it so I really enjoyed it.

I cut Jeff and Jeffrey's hair tonight. I haven't cut their hair in so long they were looking like cavemen.....(sorry Geico caveman guy) hee hee.  I've cut Jeff's hair for 22 years and Jeffrey's for 20. They won't go to a shop and get it done. They are so spoiled!

Happy Thanksgiving and Shop til I drop!

I have good news! I have the O.K. to go to Thanksgiving with my family! My counts are going up so they said to stay in on Wednesday and rest and then go and enjoy my family on Thanksgiving. I am so happy. They also said that I can go shopping Friday but not to over do it. Friday shopping is a tradition with my sisters and I have so much fun with them. I am sure I won't last too long but I will be out there bright and early with my BC coffee thermos. I have a wonderful family and  great relatives and friends to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

The girl in the plastic bubble.

I went to the oncologist today for my second bag of antibiotics. The chest x-ray came back and  it looked good. My counts are still low so I have to go back in the morning and have more blood drawn. In the mean time I can't leave my house until my counts are back up, only to go to the doctor. When I was sitting there with my mom we were watching the food network and I was actually wanting food, so we started talking about where we were going to go out to eat after we left the doctor and the nurse said, "you can't go to a restaurant you can't be around anyone right now!" Me and my mom looked at each other like huh, what?  There goes the bean and cheese chimichanga I was dreaming about. Then she told me I have to come back tomorrow for more blood work and "we will see how your holiday is going to go!"  This might put a damper on my day after Thanksgiving power shopping! She also said if I get a fever over 100 to go to the emergency room. They want to get me better so I can have my fourth treatment on Monday. I feel pretty good other than a slight headache and a cough, and a few chemo induced hot flashes. lol

I posted some pictures from the baby shower. I felt so good that day! It was so nice to get dressed up. If the nurse only knew 3 days ago I was hugging and kissing everyone at the baby shower she would drop her I.V bag!

The quilt is a family tradition that we do for all the new babies in the family. Everyone makes a square and we make it into a quilt. It turned out so nice. I still have the one that was made for me for my shower. It is such a nice keep sake. I will unpack it and take a picture.

I love that I have an excuse to relax on the couch the rest of the night. The American Music Awards are on! I love stuff like that.

The never ending Dr. visit

I have been having been feeling really lousy since my 3rd chemo treatment. I could not keep anything down for a few days and I feel like I have the flu. My chest is really congested and I have asthma so I have to be careful that it doesn’t get out of control. I went to the doctor today for my normal 3 week checkup. I ended up being there for 3 hours. The doctor listened to my chest and told me I had to start antibiotics through an I.V. This is the first time they accessed my port without any numbing cream and I about hit the ceiling! I am sitting here with tubes hanging out of my port as I type this. They left the I.V. line in because I have to go back tomorrow for another bag of antibiotics. Every time I look down at the tubes hanging off my port I get the creeps. I had a chest x-ray on the way home from the doctor‘s so I guess we will see what is going on tomorrow. Hopefully it’s not pneumonia. The nurse gave me a shot of steroids for the asthma too. My white count is really low along with some other count that I never heard of so when I came home I had to have a shot. Jeff did it for me, I just couldn’t get past that needle for some reason this time.

I went to a baby shower on Sunday for my nephew Bobby and his wife Steph . I was so feeling so good and I was so happy about that! I was sick Friday and Saturday so I was hoping I would have a good day. I wore my wig and it was so funny because when I first got there I was walking like I had a book on my head. Hee hee. It was really nice to get dressed up and have hair and makeup! I had a really nice time and got to talk to a lot of friends and relatives. I love seeing them. I ate really good too. I was so sick the days before that I really was not eating all that well. In fact I lost 4 pounds in a week. Not the kind of diet you want to go on though. By the time I got home I was so tired. I took a little nap, and then laid in bed with Megan for a little while and watched T.V.

My cousin Linda made some beet soup for me! She said it has healing power so I am eating it!!! It is really good. Soup is one of the only things that I can eat right now so it was a nice surprise. I had a little bowl last night with some toast and it settled really good. In fact I think I am going to go get some now.

Chemo Sucks!

This 3rd chemo has really kicked my butt.  I am just not snapping out of it. I am so tired and nauseated. I am really starting to hate this.  I went to the doctor and my red cell count is low and I am anemic. I had to get a shot and I will get it once a week until my count comes up.  I really can't wait until March when this is over. It seems like it will be forever before it gets here.  I am really trying not to get down about this but I am really sick of feeling like this.  I'm hungry and have no appetite. I force myself to eat then I'm sick. UGGG! I also have been having really bad leg cramps. The kind that you wake up with and your toes flare out!  My calves feel like I ran 20 miles. I feel so bad because I have not been calling my friends. I have just been so down and feeling icky.  I hope everyone understands. OK enough whining.

I stayed at my sisters for 2 days and then came home to find out my dog was sick while I was gone. My family was chasing him around with the carpet cleaner for 2 days. He is getting old (15) We bought him different  food and I think that is what did it. I think it is too rich for him. I came home to total chaos, then I said...why didn't you just put him on the landing with the fence....nobody thought of that, instead they went through 5 rolls of paper towel and a gallon of carpet cleaner!

I watched Extreme Makeover Home Edition Sunday.  The women had breast cancer and when she was explaining everything she was going through I cried. Everything she said I was feeling. She was also involved in the Relay For Life. I have been involved for a few  years now. The last 2 years I have been the Entertainment Chair. On this episode they did a 5 day Relay and it was really touching. I can't wait for our Relay this year. I am looking forward to help planning it.  My sister Sue is the chairperson and she works so hard. We always did the Relay for my sister Sharon and my dad, now I guess I am going to be a reason to Relay.

I had a drive by drop off from my cousin the other day!  What  a wonderful surprise it was. They just handed in a bag and was gone in a flash. I wandered to the door from the couch and they were gone. It was from Tim and Linda and she made some cookies for the family! That was so sweet. I have such wonderful family and friends.
My friend Peggy comes every Tuesday with a box of goodies! I have gained some weight since I started chemo and the doctor thinks it's a good thing.....I think it is the steroids I am on, but I really don't eat any more than I usually have. In fact I can't even say ......McDonalds without gagging. (I just gagged) I'm not eating a lot of fast food it just sounds so gross.

I have a few pictures of Megan on homecoming that I wanted to post. There is also one of my dog on Halloween..Too cute!
She looked so beautiful! I just wanted to share them.
I'm off to eat some cheez Its!

P.J. party

P.J. party at Pam’s house. I couldn’t wait to get to Pam’s for the p.j, party with mom, and Sue. I was packed and ready to go for 2 days. Pam picked me up on her way home from work. I wasn’t feeling very good. I was feeling really nauseated since morning. I took an anti nausea pill and started feeling better, so we ordered food. Two steak subs, a greek salad, nachos supreme, and chicken wings. By the time we all filled our plates, it looked like army ants had walked over the spread. I ate so much! Then I fell asleep. I brought over stuff to do pedicures. I even brought everyone a tourbon to wear! I think they slipped me a sleeping pill so they didn’t have to wear them because after we ate I fell asleep and didn’t wake up for 14 hours!!! I guess I really needed the rest. At home I putz around and try to do too much. Here I lay on the couch like a queen waiting for someone to fan me with a banana leaf. Pam said she would if she had one! Hee hee.

 

Pam’s making a roast, potatoes, salad, corn,  and rolls. Jeff just called and asked when I was coming home and I told him I think I am staying over again. He said that’s fine and to get some rest. I may never leave this resort!

Happy Birthday To Our Angel Sharon

Happy Birthday to my beautiful sister Sharon

November 07, 1953 - May 11, 1994

We miss you more everyday. I never needed you like I do now.

I know you are with dad and that gives me so much peace.

Here is something that Sharon wrote.

 

 

                                          

 

 

                                            I Am With You

                                     Birds continue to sing

                 The sun unmasks its radiance each new day            

           My soul has been awakened to the breathtaking world I

                                              imagine

                                       And I am with you                                                 

                                  Waves yet rush to shore

                              Flowers bloom forever more

       Within these clouds I witness an electrifying panoramic view

                                      And best of all

                                    I am still with you

                           When gray skies cover the sun

                         And the moon seems not so bright

                      In the silent hours of your darkest night

                                       Just call for me

                                  And I will be with you

                  Earthy demise does not diminish friendships

                        For my life was no ordinary moment

                        Every day brought new dimensions

                            And you each played a part

                          Discover the Beauty in knowing

                      That soul-binding love never departs

                                 And know in your heart

                               That I am always with you

             

 

                (Written by Sharon L. Shank Copyright 1997)

                                   I love you Sharon

                                   Love your family

Chemo 3 down

Another Chemo down and I feel like total crap. I came home and slept for 5 hours and have been whiney since I woke up. I just hate being down and out like this. I hate that I am drinking so much water I could float away, I hate that I have to pee every 2 minutes, and I hate that my head keeps getting really sweaty and then cold. And I hate that the acid reflux is soon to come and will not leave for at least a week. I will quit whining now .

This chemo went good but I was there 4 hours. My mom took me and I didn’t sleep as much as I usually do. I had to get up and drag my I.V. to the bathroom 4 times! I just remembered something funny from the last chemo, my sister Sue and my mom were there and I fell asleep, I woke up at one point and made a statement to them saying….”You can’t go camping if you don’t know how to spell it, it is spelled with a K not a C!” Then I fell back asleep. They are still laughing at me about that one. I guess I can’t spell in my sleep. Another time I woke up and looked at them and they were both crying watching me….I went OH GOD!!! And they started cracking up. They were so busted!!! It’s ok I know if it were one of them I would have been crying too.

I had a good weekend. Cleaned up the yard with Jeff and helped the best I could. It was nice out so it was good to get some fresh air. I also went into super women mode and cleaned and made some chicken enchiladas to have in the refrigerator for the family on chemo day. Jeffrey just got done cooking them, I can smell them and I can honestly say I want to puke!! It is one the favorite things I make for the kids. They love that and homemade chicken pot pie (which I was going to make too but the potatoes were bad!) I also made some chocolate chip cookies. The great part about cooking…nobody can blame me for hair in the food!!!

Right now my husband is in the back ground scooping up the enchiladas singing “who do you love”, and saying “your my girlfriend, you’re a cutie patootie.” He’s too funny.

Everyone in the family seems to get a big kick out of my bald head. I am sooooo bald!! Jeffrey keeps saying, “Look at you mom.” Jeff and Megan always have something to say when they see me with my cap off. I must say, it has made showering easier. Although I do have a complaint!!!!! Why is my head so bald but I still have to shave my legs! That is just a cruel joke.

Do you know my family went without shampoo for 3 days and didn’t say anything. I finally had to figure it out for myself when I found the empty bottle in the shower. .I went to the store 3 times before I finally remembered to pick some up. I told the lady that it is hard to remember to buy shampoo when you don’t have hair!

I got the cutest Breast Cancer Bear from my God Child and niece Candyce! It was from Macy’s. She went there with her friend to buy herself something and came out with something for me instead. How sweet is that. She is such a beautiful caring girl. I also got a big cute cuddly lamb from my cousins Ken and Carol Harrison. It has little tags to read when you need a lift or inspiration. I have all the stuffed animals on my chair up in my bedroom and my husband came in the other day and said….”oh look we paid $600.00 for a chair for the animals”…too funny! He cracks me up. I love all my animals and yes I do sleep with one a night, because Jeff steals the dog all the time and I need something to cuddle. Hee hee

In fact I am going up to my room to cuddle right now! Your never too old to cuddle!

Thank you to everyone who has sent a card. It's really nice. I enjoy reading them and have been through them many times. There are so many prayers and wishes for me and it really is helping me get through this.

I have good news!

My mom is finally home! I went picked her up today. She is feeling really good. And I have great news! Her thyroid biopsy was benign!!! We are so relieved. She has to follow up with the cardiologist in 2 weeks but they seem to think that her heart rate was dropping due to the surgery because all of her tests came back good. I took her to get her prescription and she was so happy because it only costs $4.00! She has to be on it forever so she was worried it was going to cost a fortune. Sam’s Club has a deal with certain prescription drugs and they are all $4.00! So if your paying a lot somewhere else go check out the list and see if your drugs on there. I asked the guy if there were any chemo drugs and he laughed and said are you kidding me! lol I did see the lidocane that I use on my port to numb it before chemo, and I pay a higher copay with insurance so I may be going there soon.

As for me I am having a really good day. I feel great. I have chemo on Monday, so just like last time I start to feel better and I have to get my butt kicked again. My white count is actually high which is good. The doctor gave me a shot because he said that my lungs sounded a little congested. He said it would help clear it all up before Monday. It’s really important that you stay on schedule with the chemo, so I’m glad he caught that.

Happy Halloween!

Mom's surgery

Having a long weekend. My moms still in the hospital, she is doing great with the surgery, but her heart rate slowed down. She saw a cardiologist this morning and they are running some tests on her to see what’s going on. We are still waiting for the pathogy report on her thyroid. The doctor said it looked good but that is the same thing they told my family when I had my lumps removed so I am waiting until I hear the final report before I celebrate!
I spent all day Friday and Saturday with her. She kept telling me to go home and take a nap but I just wanted to be there with her. I finally asked her if she would leave me and she said no, and I said see mom I'm staying! I laid in a chair next to her bed and had a pillow and blanket and she said they are going to come in her and not know who the patient is....hee hee....I am on my way up there now and her only request is a bottle of Diet Vernors. I’m sure I'll find some other goodies to take her. She might come home today if all the tests go good. I know she will be happy about that. Yesterday when they told her she had to stay she was a very unhappy Italian....lol

My white count was low on Monday so they told me to start giving myself a shot of Neupogen on Wednesday through Sunday. My mom has been doing it for me that was until she went for surgery so yesterday I had to do it myself. I did good! I was nervous but I did it! Right in the stomach. It sounds bad but it doesn't hurt at all. It just burns when you push the medicine in a little. So now I am off to give
myself another shot and visit my mom for the day! Take care.

My Sister Sharon, My Inspiration

I have something I want to share with everyone. Some of you know my sister Sharon died from breast cancer. What you don't know is that she was a great writer. I have read her thoughts before but now they have a whole new meaning to me. When I would read them I would always think about what she must have been going through at the time, and now I know. She was an inspiration to me and to everyone around her. Here is something that I came across that I can relate to in certain ways. I know I have some friends out there that have had mastectomies that will find this a great inspiration. It is called Self Love.

Today I will make friends with the area of my body that has been through surgery. I will look at myself in the mirror and not think of myself as disfigured just because I look different.

I will focus on the fact that once, where there used to be a mound of flesh, there is now a flatter more hollow surface that, when touched, puts me that much closer to my heart and soul.

 I will realize that yes, I do look different, and yes, it does take some getting used to, but I am alive. I AM ALIVE.

What was taken from me in the desperate chance to prolong my life has given me, in return, a whole new sense of how precious and short life is, and that now is the time to re-evaluate how I want to spend the rest of my precious time here on this earth.

When I get dressed and walk from this room to greet this new day, I will so it with pride and self-love. Most of all, I will feel so grateful that I have gained a whole new insight about my life, and that from here and now I will begin making the most of it.

Written by Sharon L. Shank Copyright 1997 (Please use only with permission)

My sister Sue compiled Sharon’s writings after she died and gave a copy to my mom, and my other sister Pam. What wonderful memories we have of our sister. I have so many more to share that I will be posting soon. Thanks. Hope you like it. Trish

Work, eating and I'm a STAR!

I went to work today. The kids were all staring and asking questions about my new look. The boys thought I shaved my head just because I wanted a new hairdoo and the girls all gave me hugs and just kind of knew what was going on without too many questions.  I had a little anxiety walking into the lunch room for the first time with my hat on, but it turned out ok. I feel like I have to explain why I am not wearing a wig. I just don't feel comfortable in it. I feel like I am playing dress up. I will wear it now and then but for everyday I'm liking the hat and scarf.
I had my lab work done today and my counts are a little low so starting Wednesday I have to give myself a shot until Sunday. My mom is going to do it for me. She has to have surgery on Friday so the nurse showed me how to do it myself and I think I can do it!
My mom is having her thyroid removed Friday morning. She is kind of nervous about it. They will have to check it for cancer and it is really worrying us. I told her she isn't allowed to have cancer right now...only one person in the family at a time! She will be in the hospital a couple days and I told her I WILL be there with her! She keeps telling me I shouldn't be there because all of the germs, but I think it should be ok considering there are people in the hospital with cancer all the time...lol.  I  hope she's ok. I am so worried. I just can't imagine anything happening to my mom. She is one of my best friends.
I ate so much in the past week that I think I might explode! Nothing sounds good but once I start eating forget about it!  It's not that I am eating a lot, it's just that I get so full, and the feeling lasts all day. I went to breakfast with my mom and Sue on Sunday. It was a late breakfast around 11:00, I searched the menu and nothing sounded good...until I got to the fish dinner....lol I had fish dinner for breakfast. I know it sounds gross, but at the time that is the only thing that sounded good. Right now I could barf just thinking about it.
My friend Terri came over last night with a HUGE pot of chicken soup with dumplings and lots of other goodies! That was so nice. I know it was a lot of work. My husband has already said that my cancer is making him fat! I have always been kind of thin so I think my cancer is making ME fat too! The medicine they have these days make it a little easier toeat. I still have a sweet tooth, and I live on peanut butter and jelly toast when nothing else sounds good, so I am eating.

There is a movie on Lifetime tonight that I am looking forward to watching. It's called Why I Wore Lipstick To My Mastectomy. It is about a young women's experience with breast cancer. I went to the Lifetime web site and they wanted pictures of breast cancer survivors so I submitted my picture and guess what? They chose it and it is on the web site. Here is the link. It's picture #2 http://www.lifetimetv.com/breastcancer/photos/gallery10/index.php
My sister Sue helped me out with the release forms. I didn't hear anything so I had forgot about it. Sue called me Saturday and said....your on the web site!  Isn't that just too funny! (they did spell my last name wrong but I'm used to that) It's the picture of me trying on wigs.  I'm a star!!

2nd Chemo down!

I had my second chemo on Monday and so far so good. Aside from a little fatigue and stomach stuff going on I'm doing ok. I may have overdone it yesterday though. I went to the Look Good Feel Better class that the American Cancer Society offers. It was wonderful! I have been volunteering with the Realy for Life for 4 years and I actually got to see what some of our money has been going for. My mom and Sue went with me. Then of course the lady that was running it had to go and do the tupperware introduce yourself game. I was the last one and when I opened my mouth I said my name and why I was there and how my family is here and how much they support me and I have 2 kids and then I started crying.....oh god! Then my mom and Sue were crying. I got over it once I opened the bag and saw all the goodies though. They gave me a big bag just filled with makeup, and I am talking good makeup! The kind I walk past in the department store and dream about! They showed how to put on your eyebrows when they start to thin, and had a lot of good tips for trying to stay up beat and nice looking through all of this.
From there we went to the wig shop where I bought my wig and I dontated my hair. They gave me a pin that says "Children with hair Loss" I donated so much hair they couldn't believe that half of it had already fallen out before I cut it off.  They also trimmed my bangs on my wig. I still haven't wore it yet. I am just not used to it. I have some special occasions that I will definetly wear it to but for now I am content in my hat and scarf.
Then we went to lunch. I didn't want to eat but my mom and sister were making sure I ate. I ended up with some chicken soup and a half of turkey pita. Once I started eating, it tasted really good and I scarfed it down.  Then my mom ordered up a HUGE piece of chocolate cake!  If you have ever been to Pipers on Telegraph road you know what I'm talking about! It is the biggest piece of cake I ever saw. I had a little piece and it was so good.  I was still full when I woke up this morning. hee hee.
I had to go to Megan's conferences yesterday too.  She didn't tell any of her teachers what is going on at home. One teacher said to her "Megan you should have let me known" and Megan said..."I didn't want you to feel like you had to give me special treatment because my mom is sick."  I had to explain to her that it is not about that. Sometimes they need toknow, for the days when your not doing good they will understand why.  They were really nice and her counseler was so nice and understanding.  It upsets me because this is Megan's senior year and I hate that she has to go through this with me. But I think she is doing ok. She has not been excluded from anything since my diagnosis.  I am keeping her informed and trust me, she asks tons of questions!
My friend Tammy stopped by today and gave me 2 terry cloth sleep caps! They are so comfy. She is a 16 year breast cancer survivor! She has been there for me with tons of information. She also cared for her mom who passed away from cancer. She brought over a vanilla frosty from Wendy's.  It was so good, my mouth is so sore the week of chemo and it really helped.
All and all I am having a good week so far considering just having chemo. I am planning on going to work Monday. I will unviel the new me to the kids!

Bald Is Beautiful! And chemo #2

O.K. It's official, I'm a baldy!  My head was itchy and sore and I had so much coming out that I decided I had enough.  My mom and sisters came over and we put it into about 8 ponytails. Jeff cut them off so I can donate it to the wig shop where I got my wig. They make wigs for little kids so I decided that would be a good idea. Then Jeff shaved my head while my family all watched and cried with me.  All I could think was why wasn't I like one of those strong women who shave their heads to feel in control.  I know it was hard for Jeff to do, but he really wanted to be the one to do it.  Once it was done I was glad. It felt so good.  And don't worry, it wasn't all sad, we had fun too. When he was almost done I broke into a Sinead O'Conner song...Nothing Compares To You!  I washed my head in the sink and I think everyone had fun taking turns lathering up my bald head.  Sue rubbed some skin relief cream on my head and I was loving it. Jeff keeps telling me how cute I look.  Megan had a hard time, but she ok now.  My dog did a double take. I swear he did!!  Megan, Pam and Sue saw it too and we had a good laugh.

I didn't go to work all week because I was sick.  Everyone at work signed a card for me. I thought that was so nice. By Thursday my counts were back up and I started to feel good again.

I have been getting so many nice gifts.  My friend from the school I work at gave me a plaque with a beautiful saying on it about being a survivor. She also gave me a CD that has some wonderful songs on it.  I also had another friend stop over and her mom knitted some caps  for me! They are too cute. She also brought along lots of goodies! I'm talking donuts, cinnamon rolls, and bagels!  That was so nice! My mom bought a hat for me with a BC ribbon on the front.  Mike and Pam gave me a pink Detroit Tigers hat.  Sue gave me a purple BC hat too! I am going to need a hat rack!  My cousins Mike and MaryLyn also sent a really nice card and I really appreciated the gift they gave me.  I also received a package in the mail from one of my friends on a message board that I have been going on for a few for years! I was so touched by it.  There was a Breast Cancer Sucks mug and water bottle, some queasy drops for an upset stomach, 2 books and  a Survivor shirt.  Her mom is a 2 year survivor and is doing great! They have been sending a lot of good tips and advice my way.  I have been getting so many cards from my friends and family and it is nice to know that I have so much support.

Tomorrow I  will go to my second chemo armed with my Cancer Sucks water bottle!!! Great just when I started feeling good again!

 

Shedding and Bored

Well I went to the doctor and my blood count is low. They warned me it would happen. I have a throat infection, possibly strep throat. I have to go in every day and get a shot. It will help my white cells. The nurse gave me the shot in the arm yesterday, and I it hurt so bad! It is like getting stung by a wasp only worse! You can't rub it afterward for some reason and that's all I wanted to do to take the sting away. I felt it all the way to the car. I went in today and was dreading it. I asked the nurse if the stomach would be better and she said we could try it. It freaked me out but what could be worse than yesterday in the arm! I have to say I didn't really feel it in the stomach. I felt a little burn afterward and now I have a bruise, but I will take the stomach over the arm any day.

My hair is really shedding. Yesterday I wore a ponytail and hat just to keep it from shedding all over the house. I'm just not ready to shave it off yet. We were driving down the street and Jeff goes, "why are you wearing a hat today"...and I said..."so my bangs don't blow out the car window." We laughed so hard. Today Jeff is running around with a bandana on his head and Megan was wearing my wig. I'm glad their having fun with it. lol

Ok I have heard about Chemo brain and I think I am starting to get it. A few days ago, Megan made brownies and she needed my help putting them in the pan. So I told her to hold the bowl and I started scraping away. I put the spoon down and got the rest out of the bowl with a spatula and put them in the oven. About 40 minutes later Megan is screaming for me to come down stairs and she is cracking up. She was cutting into the brownies and found something....I thought I set the spoon on the counter but noooo, I baked it into the brownies. We laughed so hard! hee hee. Then yesterday I went to Walgreen for my medicine. I got a call from them about 5 minutes after I got home. I left one of my bags in the basket outside. Someone turned it in. I was so embarrassed because all the bag had in it were 2 king size resee cups and some raisenettes...lolol They tracked me down and called me and said, we thought you might want your resee cups. She was right I did! Too funny.

I can't go to work until my counts are back up. I will have to start doing ebay again to keep myself busy.

Tomorrow I go for genetic counseling. (and another shot) My doctor wanted me to go. My Mom, Sue, Pam, and Megan are going too. I'm curious to see what it's all about. Kind of scary for my family I think. Do they want to know if they have the gene? Would I want to know if it were me and didn't have BC? We are just going to learn about it for now and make a decision later. I have a lot of research to do on that.

Feeling good and Halloween!!

Halloween, what can I say. Sharon loved halloween and she would have parties and even had a haunted hayride in her backyard for the kids.  This weekend was spent at the little league haunted house. Sue and Pam worked really hard this year to get it ready and they did a great job. My entire family volunteers.  We have so much fun.  We all have our spots in the house and love to scare people! My mom even comes and works.   Friday I felt really good other than having a headache, so I went up there with my husband. I had a hot chocolate at about 10:00 and by 10:15 I knew it was a wrong move.  There I was in my scary hiding spot in the house feeling sick, with a barf bag in my lap, waiting for the next victims to come by to scare. I went out to the van when we had a break and told Jeff, I have to get home NOW!!
I made it home just in time. Let's just say, no more hot chocolate for me. 
I had a good weekend. I had a headache on Saturday, but today I felt fantastic! It is so nice to have a day where nothing hurts. Wait, I take that back, my scalp is very sore, and today I ran my fingers through my hair and came up with a pretty good bunch of hair in my  hand. Megan was standing there and I said "oh no" and we looked at eachother and started cracking up!!?? Why I don't know, but she said mom don't laugh, and I said you laughed first! And then we both laughed again.
Oh well, I knew it was coming. I'm ready for it.
My son Jeffrey went to the grocery store for me yesterday and he came home and said I bought you something. He had 2 breast cancer awarness DONUTS! lol They were so cute. Pink frosting and little white ribbons. Yes, I ate them both!
I have been getting such a collection of scarves from people. Pam gave me 2 halloween, and 1 valentine. Then my daughter's friend Amanda and her boyfriend Kyle came over today and Kyle's mom bought me an orange one and a pink one.  They were also wearing  pink breast cancer bacelets. I thought that was so sweet.
I also recieved a cute little pin from Patti, a women at little league, she also has breast cancer, it says, Fight Like a Girl. She said someone gave it to her when she was diagnosed and now she is passing it on to me! That was so sweet.
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I think I will have blood work done to check my counts. I am hoping they are good so I can work this week. Then next Monday Chemo,  ...uggg.....  just when I'm starting to feel good again.

My heads getting Tingly

Oh no, I think it is starting to happen. My head is feeling wierd. Like zingy feeling. Am I ready for this? I can't imagine myself with no hair. Little spots on my head are feeling itchy and tingly.  This is what has depressed me the most, but now I wish it would just happen.

I have been feeling really good. I've been going to work and I have great friends there. They are so concerned for me. Today my friend gave me a pretty Breast Cancer Ribbon Pin made of pink rinstones.  It's beautiful. I pinned it on my sweater as soon as she gave it to me. I have wore these before, but this time it was just a different feeling to put this pin on and know that it was meant for me. I am learning to accept the fact that I have Breast Cancer. I know I have it, I am living it, but sometimes it just seems like a bad dream. I guess in a few days when my hair is gone, It will become a HUGE reality.

Sleep, Nausea, and the Homecoming Dance

Thursday when I was feeling good we went out on my second wig shopping trip and had a good time. I did find a wig. It wasn’t the one I originally picked out but it is really nice. We also went to The Josephine Ford Cancer Center because my friend at the American Cancer Society recommended it. They had a room we could go in and pick out whatever I wanted. I picked out 6 little knit caps and 2 blonde bombshell wigs just for Jeff. Hee hee.

Friday I went to work and it felt good to get out of the house and go someplace other than the doctor. The kids are starting to ask questions and I am just being honest with them. They will find out sooner or later when I show up with a scarf on my head. A teacher at school made me 3 beautiful scarves! She had her own battle with cancer last year and she couldn’t find anything to fit her head right. She made her own so she wanted to make sure I had some too. I thought that was so nice. What a thoughtful thing to do! Her hair is growing back now and it looks so cute! Another friend from work came over Friday evening and brought my family dinner from Famous Dave’s. It was right on time because after working and running to the post office and bank afterward, I was feeling tired. It was such a nice meal. It was from the maintenance crew at work. How thoughtful! She also brought me a book about nutrition and cancer. There are some good recipes and it has some good information on what to eat when your battling cancer. .

Megan had her homecoming dance yesterday. I felt so bad because I was having a “bad day.” I am a hairdresser so I always do her hair for dances, but I just wasn’t thinking that maybe I wouldn’t feel good enough to do it for her. She started getting ready at about 11:00 and at 2:00 I was on a heap in her bed thinking I should have made her a hair appointment. I finally got up and did her hair and it turned out beautiful! I have to say though, we might be in trouble on her wedding day…I think I may have a bridzilla on my hands!! Pam was here and can testify to that. Pam stayed for a few hours cleaned my kitchen and made some macaroni and cheese one of the few things that sounds good lately.

Every Sunday we go out to breakfast with my family. My mom, Pam and Mike and Sue and Steve and whoever else shows up. This week I just wasn’t into it, so at about 9:00 this morning, Jeff woke me up and said, “come on were going to breakfast“….I went downstairs and he had made me breakfast! It was so nice. He had the whole spread. Eggs, toast, sausage, hashbrowns.  He did a good job and he even did the dishes!

Today I’m not doing that great with food. Nothing sounds good. I force myself to eat and then I feel sick. It is so frustrating. I haven’t been feeling all that great for the last two days. I have been really tired and sick to my stomach. I went out on the porch for a while today just to get some fresh air. I hope I feel good enough to go in to work tomorrow. I have to go get my blood work done and see how my counts are, if they are good I can go to work for the week.

This has been a hard journal entry only because I just haven’t felt good the last couple days. I know I will have my days when I feel good and bad, but the bad sucks!! I’m hoping this week is better.

 

Picking out a wig

Oh lord, picking out a wig. A WIG!!!  ahhh when I walked in there was a little old lady in the wig chair who was there because she WANTED a wig. Me and my mom and sister walked in and started looking around until the lady was ready for me. Then she turned around and said ok who are we here for.....I could barely choke out the words.....I said. "meeeeee."   I almost lost it, but I bounced back and composed myself.

Seriously, there is not much to choose from. The first one I tried on I looked just like my sister Sharon who passed away from breast cancer 12 years ago. Kinda freaked us out. There I was in the mirror with my sister staring back at me. My poor mom had a hard time I think. She was kind of quiet the rest of the trip.

I tried on short wigs,  long wigs, scary wigs and finally found one I can live with.  It is shoulder length and flippy and cute. The only thing the one they had was plum color and I looked like a gothic chick. So I had to find a color I liked, The picture above with the short little wig on my long hair is the color I picked. I didn't order it yet because my wig coupon was $200.00 and the wig was $300.00. She told me to come home and call my insurance company to see if they covered any of it. I just called and they don't. They will cover my $500,000. cancer treatment but won't flip for a wig...no pun intended. Oh well, I am still going to order it. I need hair! I was just hoping to find one in the $200.00 price range and I would have if I wanted hair like a doll that's been stuck in a closet for 10 years. Some of them were awful. You can really tell the difference.

I just hope it looks nice in the color I picked out. That is a lot of money not to be satisfied.

I have been doing good today. I woke up a little nauseated, but it has calmed down a bit. I went to out to lunch with my mom and sister after the wig fiasco, and walked in feeling ill and not knowing what to order. Then I ended up scarfing down a steak sub. Now I am a little icky feeling. I really didn't eat much yesterday, so I knew I had to eat. I am hoping I can go to work tomorrow. I can't stand sitting home. I think too much..... 

My first Chemo and Thank God for Lidocaine

 

Here is a picture of my daughter Megan and Me.

Ok so I had my first Chemo. I woke up and took my anti nausea pill, slathered the numbing cream on my port-a cath and covered it in saran wrap like I was told to.

My mom came over to take me for my appointment, when she got there I was putzing around the house until she finally said, "ok missy, quit stalling, lets go".  She was right, I was stalling. It's not that I was nervous I had found a calm the night before. I sat at the end of my bed and thought, ok this is it, I have to be strong and just do this. So off we went to chemo, by the time we got there I was clutching my Worry Stone.

My daughter Megan wanted to go with me. I didn't  know if it was a good idea. She said, “mom I really want to be there with you,” so I let her come. When we got there, she sat on the floor with her head on my leg. Up to this point Megan has not shown too much emotion to me except for when she first heard the news and ran into the basement. I had to go get her and tell her everything was going to be fine. She was doing fine just talking with me about wigs and stuff when a lady and her husband walked in. She had a scarf on her head with a cap and you could see her bald head underneath. She sat next to her husband and put her head on his shoulder. That’s when Megan broke down. She looked up at me and said, Momma. I don’t want you to be like that.” She cried with her head in my lap until she was all cried out.

When they called my name my stomach dropped and off we went to my doom. I had a private room with a television and a recliner and guest chairs. I sat down and that is when my nerves took over again. I was shaking.

The nurse came in and it was time for the thing I feared the most…..accessing the port for the first time. It had been so sore and I just couldn't imaging it being poked at. She took off the saran and prepared it…… OK….. This is it…….POKE…….guess what?…I didn’t feel a thing. Thank god for the lidocaine cream. And to think I lost sleep over THAT!!

First the nurse gave me some Ativan for my nerves because I was ready to jump out of skin. About five minutes later I was getting sleepy and looking at my mom and Megan through one eye. OK I was ready….bring it on!!!

It was time for my chemo. First came the Adriamycin. This one was pushed into my I.V. by the nurse very slowly. While she’s doing this she told me that I will pee red for a couple days…great I’ve peed blue, green, and now red. As she was pushing the drug into my body, I imagined…what could be going on in there…was it doing it’s job? I hope so.

The next was the Cytoxen. That took longer and was in an I.V. drip. I watched it drip until I final curled up and fell asleep.I woke up and Megan and my mom walked me out to the car because I felt a little wobbly.

When I got home I crawled in bed. My mom got me settled and had to go to work. Jeff came home and loved me up and told me he was glad I was on my way to getting better. Jeffrey rubbed my legs and feet. And Megan cleaned the house. Then my best friend Annie came over and we laid in my bed and cried together. My mom is staying over for a couple days. I could not do this without her. I need her now.

All in all I feel ok today. Not great just ok. I have a terrible headache. I’ve had it all day.

My mom keeps telling me to go and lay down, but I’m a busy body.  I stopped and put my head against the cold kithcen doorway to ease my head pain and I looked up at the ceiling fan and gasped. Next thing you know I'm on a chair in the kitchen with the murphy's oil soap and a rag, that is until Jeffrey screamed GRANDMA....come see my mom!! That was the end of that....grandma finished cleaning the ceiling fan. I think I will take her up on that and go to bed. I’m tired.

 To all my message board and journal friends that are going through this….I’m thinking of you!!! We can DO this!!

 

 

 

 

Getting ready for chemo

So tomorrow is my first chemo. I slept really good last night and got up early today and started cleaning. So far I have done laundry, cleaned the upstairs carpet, made 2 homemade chicken pot pies in case I'm not feeling good enough to feed my family tomorrow, cleaned the bathroom, and was referee for a bicker fight between Jeff and Megan. It helps to keep busy but there it is in the back of my mind....chemo...chemo...chemo..what an ugly word.

I am going on information overload right now. I have read everything I could get my hands on to prepare for this. I have so much stuff running through my mind. Drink plenty of water, get biotene mouth wash for mouth sores, make sure I take my pill before I go for chemo. I have to make sure I drink lots of water, I'm not much of a water drinker, so I made some green iced tea. It is really good, although now I am peeing a wierd light green. I have already peed blue. That was when I had my sentinal node biopsy. They give you blue dye to locate the sentinal node. I peed blue for 2 days. I'm not talking a light blue! The first time it looked like tidy bowl and I was tepmted to get the toilet brush and scrub!

I guess I will go back to cleaning. Just want to make sure my house is in order.

 

Friends and Family

I couldn't sleep tonight. I have too much stuff running through my mind. Just stupid stuff like, I have to clean the carpet, I have to get stamps tomorrow, I have to bring in my plants, I have to get the furnace cleaned, the dog needs a haircut. Then I started thinking about my friends and family and how great everyone has been since I was diagnosed.

I always knew I had great friends and relatives. I have received so many cards, phone calls, and e-mails from people who are concerned about me, some of whom I have not talked to in a long time. I love that I can hear from someone who I haven't talked to for a while and we can pick up right where we left off.  Our lives are so busy but when it comes down to it your friends and family are always there for you when you need them. 

I was at work yesterday and a boy who happens to be in a wheelchair said to me, "you look so pretty today, I wish I had a camera so I could take a picture of you." I thought that was so sweet. He said to me, "see you tomorrow." When I told him I wouldn't be there tomorrow  he said, "see you Monday." Then I told him I wouldn't be there Monday either. He asked me why and I told him I had to go see the Doctor. Then he wanted to know if I was sick and I told him to ask his teacher and she would tell him. He wheeled over to his teacher, I saw him talking to her with a very concerned look. He came back over to me with his arms wide open so I leaned down and hugged him. He said, "I will say a prayer for you tonight when I get home."  I thought that was so sweet. It made me realize that yes, I am going to be in for a fight,  I am going to lose my hair, but I will get over this and move on. For me, this is just a bump in the road as my doctor put it, but for him, he will have a challenge for the rest of his life.  For him to say he would say a prayer for me meant a lot. I am going to say a prayer for him tonight too.

good night....

 

 

Feeling sorry for myself

Ok so yesterday I had a poor me day. I cried most of the day. I cried on the phone to my mom, my sister, on the way home from work and on the way to meet my family for lunch. I am starting to realize that I am going to lose my hair. Anyone who knows me knows I have A LOT of hair! I have very thick long hair that I wrestle with every time I wash it. It takes about 40 minutes to blow dry. I have to do it in sections, clip some up blow dry that, let another section down and blow dry that. Then from there I use a straightener. Same routine. I have bitched and complained about this for years, however, last night as I was going through my ritual I was standing there staring at this poofy mess and I just couldn't take it. I lost it, right there in front of my kids. They both came into the bathroom to comfort me as I complained how awful I am going to look without hair. They both told me I would look cute. Ha cute. I don't think so. Oh, another thing...I have never noticed so many bald men in my life!

Yesterday on the way to meet my mom, Sue, Steve, and Stephanie, for lunch, every song that came on the radio made me cry. Some made me think about my dad, some made me think about Sharon, and some just made me think about my life. I can't listen to the radio lately. It depresses me.

 I met my mom at Kohl's after lunch.  I went right to the hat and scarf section because I have to face the fact that I am going to need something to cover my bald head. I have never been a hat person because I have so much hair that they are hard to fit on my head. I finally picked out a cute little baseball cap. I came home and put it on, and I have to tell you, it did look cute....WITH HAIR!!!.... I tucked all my hair up underneath and I look like a little boy. I still have to figure out what I'm going to do about this hair thing. Oakwood Hospital gave me a $200.00 coupon for a wig, so I guess I will go wig shopping. Maybe I will go back to blonde again. hee hee....

 

Chemo Class

On the way home from breakfast yesterday I mentioned to Jeff that there was only one more week until chemo, and how scared I was. He said, "that's only one week away until you start getting better!" Of course I wasn't looking at it that way. I feel good. I don't feel like I have to get better. Sure I have been feeling lousy from the pain medication from the surgery but all in all I feel pretty good! I am just not looking forward to feeling lousy from chemo. Jeff also said, "I can take you losing your hair, I can take you without a breast, (which thank god I didn't have to lose), I just can't take losing you, so you have to get better." He's so sweet. Today he came out of the  bathroom with a scarf on his head and said, look I'll wear one too, ears in or ears out! He is such a goofball. Earlier in the week I had modeled a scarf for him and gave him a sneak preview and asked him....ears in or out, and he told me how pretty I looked with a scarf on.

Today I went to chemo class with my mom and Sue. First they put in a video to watch. Now I know why I didn't do so good in school. While the video was going I was talking to them, and being silly. Then I would realize that I needed to pay attention, and would say..."Sue did you write that down?" (she's my secretary.) hee hee. When the video was over, the nurse came in with a folder full of information and 4 prescriptions. Take this one an hour before chemo, take this one 3 days after chemo, put this on before chemo, and take this for ANXIETY..!!!?? Huh, what? I have never been the anxious type but I think she saw me chewing my fingernails and my legs bouncing up and down and when I told her I was scared for Monday to come, she decided to write me that prescription. I told her I felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin. She said, "take it." I still haven't taken it.

So now my chemo has been moved up to 11:00 on Monday. She said I should be there 3 hours. My mom has to work that evening and wants to be able to stay with me and not have to rush off.  She said she is also going to spend the night that night with me! Awww I love her!

A girl at work brought me in an Angel Star Worry Stone. I thought that was so sweet. It's a clear stone with an angel in it. I am going to take it to my first chemo with me. It says "as you hold the stone in your hand, imagine the Angel's calm presence surrounding you. Imagine yourself letting go of hurts or worries." So that's what I'm going to do!

 

 

I got the call

On the Monday following my surgery I decided to call the office for my results. They said they were not in yet and the doctor would call me later if they came in. Jeff came home from work and we went to the store. When we came back in, we listened to our messages and there was one from my doctor, he wanted me in his office at 10:00 the next morning to talk about the biopsy results. This is where I lost it. I told Jeff that there was no way this was going to be good news. I called my sisters and they came right over. We listened to the message and analyzed the Doctor's words and tone trying to figure out if it was good or bad, in a way I already knew what it was, but was being hopeful.

August 22, 2006

My mom and sisters came with me to the Doctors. Jeff wanted to and I told him to go to work. I know it sounds mean but I knew he would be devastated to hear the news from the doctor and I told him it might not even be bad news! Dr. Turfah came into the room where me and my entourage were. (I call them that now because they are with me everywhere I go) This is when I found out I have Breast Cancer. Invasive Ductal Carcinoma Grade 3 and triple negative (which means it is not estrogen fed) It is an agressive type of breast cancer.  I heard him say it. I saw my family crying, but somehow it just was not sinking in. I tried to listened to him explain what had to be done next, and when the poor guy got done, I asked him to repeat everything he just said, because I didn't hear it the first time. Then he scheduled a Sentinel Node biopsy. We left the office came home and ordered food! Yup that is how we deal with stress in our family, we eat!

Sept. 6, 2006   My first oncologist appointment.

I went to see Dr. Enrique Signori, he is so nice. I told my surgeon he better pick a good one and I think he came through for me. Trust me it was an experience. My mom and my sister Sue were with me, and they were in the room for the good the bad and the ugly! Yes they were there for my breast exam, yes they were there for my abdomen exam, and YES they were there for my RECTAL EXAM! My first one ever. Trust me I was not happy, but he said it had to be done. He told me I could kick them out and the nurse could come in. But I told them to stay. Why not. I had already lost all my dignity with all the other tests. He told me it would only take a minute and I said, "a minutes a long time." I have to tell you we laughed so hard thatwe still can't talk about it without laughing. During this visit I learned that I had to have radiation and chemotherapy. He also said I would have to have a port put in my chest for the chemo. My node biopsy was the next day, so he called my surgeon to see if he could squeeze in another surgery that day and put in the port a cath.

September 7, 2006

Surgery went good. I am really not that sore on the lymph node side, but the port side is really bothering me. It is just odd to have something under your skin like that. When I look down and see the bump it is a constant reminder of what is to come.

September 8, 2006

Our 22nd wedding anniversary! yup 22 years. Jeff has been doing the dishes and cleaning up. The joke is that it only took 22 years of marriage and breast cancer for him to help out around the house. I know he is having a hard time with this. The first few days after we found out, he couldn't even look at me without his eyes filling up with tears. I love him!

September 11, MRI

So by now I have had a bone scan, abdominal ultra sound, and chest x-rays and they all came back good! Now it was time for a breast MRI. I was still really sore from the surgery, I could barely lift my arms. Great another I.V. For this test you had to lay on your stomach with your boobs hanging through holes and put your arms up WAY over your head like in a diving position. It hurt so bad but what could I do. I had to lay still for about 30 minutes. My arms were shaking from the pain and I tried to be as still as I could or they would have had to start over. I laid there forcing myself to think about anything but what was really happening. There were banging sounds and beeps and I felt like I had been abducted by aliens. They give you earplugs so it isn't too loud. When they came in and said I was done I couldn't get up out of there fast enough.

Next day back to Dr. Signori.

Today I found out that the lymph nodes are clear! They told my family after surgery that the prelimianry test was good, but I was still waiting to hear the final results and was really happy to hear they were good.

MRI showed that there is something that they are going to recheck in about 4 months. He said it could just be scar tissue from the surgery. On this visit he told me when my chemo would start, and set me up to talk to a chemo nurse. So my entourage and I went to talk to the nurse. My first chemo will be September 25 at 2:00. So now I have a treatment plan. The nurse scheduled another test called a MUGA test to check my heart to see if it is strong enough for the chemo.

Another test? Great! I had to have another I.V., by this time I have had enough nucleur medicine shot into me that I am pretty sure I'm starting to glow. They tried 3 times to get a good vien and finally they got it. I laid there like a good girl, still as can be, only this time it was different, I was getting pissed off. I was lying there thinking why is this happening to me! When I was done I got up, went to my car and finally broke down. I was crying because I was mad, not because I was feeling sorry for myself but because I had already had enough and it really hasn't even started yet! By Friday I was still in a pissy mood. I kept apologizing to everyone that I was pissy too. They understand I guess. Now I am just waiting for Monday to get here so I can go to my chemo class. It's getting closer and I am getting nervous.

 

I found something!

I always feared this would happen to me because of my sister Sharon. She died from breast cancer. I've always had my mammograms since she was diagnosed because of the risk factor and family history, I just really never thought it would happen to me. This is how it all came to be.

I starting having pains under my left breast, so one night while I was laying in bed watching television, I started feeling around and found 2 little lumps, and 1 larger one. I always checked so these came up pretty quick. I went and told my husband and he could feel them too and his response was, "make an appointment" that is always his response to all my little health concerns I throw at him, but this time he meant it. He was scared. I was due for my mammogram and pap test so I called the Doctor the next day. I went in for my exam and she checked the lumps and told me to go for my mammogram as soon as possible. It was in the same building so I went right away and made the appointment. By the time the day of my appointment came, one of the lumps had grown pretty large and was really sore.

June 26, 2006 I had my mammogram

Mammograms usually don't bother me but because of the painful lump I had it was uncomfortable. After they did both breasts she came back in and focused on the left one and did 20 different films and poses. She came back and told me I had to have an ultra sound right away. When I was done with the ultra sound she came and told me the radiologist would like to talk to me. He told me that he was recommending that I have all three surgically removed. I was scared but I knew it had to be done.

I made an appointment with a surgeon, Dr. Turfah. My mom and both my sisters went with me. He said that he would do a core needle biopsy on the largest one to see what we were dealing with. I had the procedure done and the results came back clear and that it was fibrocystic changes. I was relieved! Then he told me he still wanted to remove all three lumps just to be sure. We had a vacation planned with the entire family. So he told me to go have fun and we would take them out when I got back.

August 16, 2006 Surgery day

On the day of surgery I had to be there early so they could do something called a Needle Wire Localization. I was so scared! They put you in a mammogram machine and the top paddle has holes in it. Well, if you ever had a mammogram you know that they squish you, take their picture and release you. This was different, I was trapped in that machine for at least 45 minutes! Yes 45 minutes! I told the technician if there is a fire she better push the release button before she runs. This procedure was awful. They took a picture, read it, came back and graphed out where the area of concern is , then took a needle and poked it through the hole in the paddle. YIKES! then they released the needle and a long wire with a hook on the end stay in my breast. I had to have it done on 2 areas. I was trying to be strong but I was on the verge of tears a couple times. They had to start over 3 time because I would slip out and move a little and then they would have take out the needle, and graph it all over again. When they were finally done  they put me on the hospital bed in the hallway. I looked down and it looked like I had antennas coming out of my boob, it was painful and I laid there choking back tears. From there I went right to surgery. I don't remember much except for my mom and sister standing there and I was complaining to the nurse (who was a guy) that I didn't have any underwear on and why can't I wear my underwear when I am having surgery on my boob! I went on and on about this and he said to the other nurse, "uh you need to get in here"...so the other nurse comes in and puts something in my I.V. and that's the last thing I remembered! When I woke up, the nurse said..."you have your underwear on!"  I must have babbled on about my underwear so much that they put them on me when I was out! I still think about that and laugh. Surgery went good and the doctor even told my family everything looked good and he doubted I had anything to worry about. So I went home and waited for the results. I thoughtl maybe it could be cancer, but then I would think...this is not going to happen to me!

 I was really sore and couldn't sleep, and when I did I had nightmares! My family was there for me. Everyone would gather upstairs onto my Kingsize bed to hang out with me. I love them! they are so GREAT!!

The waiting.......I waited all weekend to hear something, and when I didn't I decided to call the office. They said they results were not in and the doctor would call me when they were...so I waited some more.