Happy New Year!

 

It's 11:00 and here I sit at the computer looking back on the last year. It was a hard year for our family and I am glad to say SEE YA to 2007!!! I am going into the new year feeling fantastic. My hair is growing more and more each day and my body is finally starting to feel good again. I can walk up the stairs without my legs giving out on me and I feel so good I am going to start exercising! I am going into 2008 with my head held high as a cancer survivor. My wish is for everyone to have a happy and healthy New Year.

My New Years Eve has been spent eating shrimp pasta, having a glass of wine and watching my grandbaby learn to crawl!

I couldn't ask for a better night.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

 

Another friend lost.

 

I lost yet another friend this week to breast cancer. The journal world is mourning the loss of Kim from  I Shaved My Legs For This.  Even though I never met her face to face, we supported each other through our long months of treatment. We sent each other encouraging emails while we were going through chemotherapy. An email went unanswered recently so I knew there had to be something wrong.   I went to visit her journal and I saw all the comments left that she had passed away. I spent the day going back and reading parts of her journal. She had such a sassy attitude towards her fight with breast cancer and she was so confident that she could beat this. It is just a shame that cancer has won. Her journal was honest, brave and humorous. She had a lot of readers who followed her through her fight and I know they are going to miss her. I am so sorry for her family and her children. She wrote about the love for her husband and their love for going to the lake and spending  time together. I know she is going to be missed by her friends and family. She was a wonderful person and I will miss reading about her adventures in life. I will miss you Kim.

We Lost a Family Friend This Week.

Saturday was a sad day. I had to go to a funeral for a good family friend. She lost her battle with breast cancer Wednesday morning. She was diagnosed early this year and she is already gone.  I just can't believe it. It seems like I just talked to her and gave her words of encouragement. I am trying to understand how this could happen. She has a lovely daughter

who is in college and she is just the sweetest girl. She was a single mother and before her Daughter went off to college you would see them together and they would always be smiling.

Walking into the funeral home was so hard for me and my family. Her older sister was my sister Sharon's best friend growing up and her family gave us so much support during Sharon's illness. Now there we were grieving with them. I am just so sad over this and I am having a really hard time with it.

 

Going to the funeral was really hard. Sue was getting mad at me because I would say things like, if anything ever happens to me I don't want a choir just a soloist. Then I said, please get up there and look at me first and make sure I look ok.  I know she doesn't want to hear it but when you have had cancer it is something that you think about.  I think I have a bruise on my

arm from her nudging me every time I said something about my funeral. lol

 

It is 1:10 a.m. and I can't sleep. I was sick last week with bronchitis, and I am on prednisone and I am so HYPER!!! I made 3 batches of cookies, I

have done laundry and cleaned the silverware drawer. I have done more today than I have the last 2 weeks! lol!!The doctor told me if I wasn't better by Saturday that I was to go to the emergency room and have them admit me to the hospital. Thank goodness the antibiotics worked. I feel so much better. Now Jeff and Megan are sick. I can't get Jeff to go to the doctor though. He is very stubborn. He went to work sick on Friday and he plans on going in tomorrow too. He will not miss a day of work!

 

I didn't get my Christmas cards out! I bought them and the stamps but never sent them out. DUH!!!

 

Oh, Someone left some homemade chocolates on my porch and I can't figure out who it was. I think I have an idea though.
I still have a few things to pick up at the store tomorrow, so I better try and get some sleep so I can get up early and go.

 

       Merry Christmas!!!

        

It's been a while!

It's been a while since I have done this.  I have been so busy lately with little Jeffrey. He is keeping Grandma hopping. He is at such a fun stage. I baby-sit almost every day and I love it.

He started to eat baby food a couple weeks ago and it was a big event in the house. As soon as we heard that he could start on food, we went to the grocery store and stocked up on teeny tiny jars of food. I think Jeff picked out 15 jars! He was so funny. Bonnie and Jeffrey gave him peas first because we heard if you give them the yucky stuff first instead of something good they will be more likely to eat it later. He made the funniest faces and gagged a couple times. It was too cute.

I made a decision about work. . I‘m not going back. It was hard for me to finally go in and tell them, but I think I am doing the right thing. Now I keep second guessing myself. I think it is the fact that I have been working there for 10 years and I really did enjoy the people I worked with. Jeff just wants me to stay home and get healthy.

I went shopping the day after Thanksgiving. I was up and at J.C. Penny by 4:00 a.m. Then I went and met Sue and Pam at Meijers. We had a really fun day and I think Sue is the one that got the best deals.

I went to Frankenmuth again on Tuesday to meet some friends that I met on the internet and have been talking to online on a message board for years. It is a really big collection of people that are on the message board and whenever they meet I am so far away from the meeting place. Since it was so close I just had to go! It was so nice to finally get to meet some of them. They were so nice. My mom, Megan and her friends went too. We had lunch at Bavarian Inn, and then shopped all the cute little shops. Then we did the a pretzel rolling workshop. It was fun. We learned the history of the pretzel and then got to make our own. After that we went to Bronners Christmas shop. You have to have about 3 hours to get through that entire store! It is just beautiful though. So much to look at.

I have my little teeny Christmas tree up already. It’s the only one that fits in my living room right now, but it looks so cute! I miss my big tree though.

My living room looks like I run a daycare center. I have a walker, a swing, and a bouncer. Jeffrey has so much fun in the bouncer. I have to get some video and figure out how to put it in my journal. He bounces until he wears himself out and then falls asleep. He is just too cute. He makes me so happy!!!

Health wise I am doing really good lately. I am feeling like myself again. The only thing that I am dealing with is some numbness in my arms and fingers and if I sit too long my knees just don’t want to work. Other than that I feel great. My hair is growing and I even had my first haircut! I had to, I was looking like I had a mullet so I went and had it shaped. I love playing with it. I will probably keep it shorter from now on because it is so easy for me. I had so much hair before that it was such a hassle and now I am freeeeee!!!

I just had to put the picture of BB Jeffrey up in his Superman costume. It is just too cute! 

My Friend Jacqui

My friend Jacqui came in from New Zealand! We had a wonderful visit. My family picked her up from the airport two weeks ago. When we got there we were hoping we were in the right place. I went over and was talking to a security guard and Megan goes, “mom there she is”. She saw us jumping up and down and started walking really fast towards us. We hugged and cried and it was the most amazing thing. We thought we would never see each other after 6th grade and there she was 32 years later. We stayed up and talked for a long time the first night.

Since I am still recovering from surgery I was pretty limited to what we could do but we did end up going out with the help of my family because I couldn‘t drive. My mom took us on our first shopping trip and we had so much fun. I used the carts they have in the stores so I didn’t have to walk. We also went to the zoo and to Frankenmuth and Megan pushed me around in a wheelchair.

One night I planned a get together at the local bar for all the “kids” in the neighborhood she knew. It was so much fun. She got to see everyone and we all had such great memories of when she lived here.   We also had a get together and had a fire in the back yard and she had her first s’more!  I told her she had to take that tradition back to New Zealand with her. She didn’t know what a graham cracker was but she thinks she can find something similar in the store.

Everything is so much cheaper. It was hard for her to walk in a store and not buy something because of the price. She came with 2 suit cases but one was empty. When she left both were full and we had to weigh them to make sure she wasn’t over the limit for the plane because she shopped so much.

Another thing is the food. She tasted a Nacho Cheese Chalupa from Taco Bell and said…”this is beautiful!” Can you imagine no Taco Bell?

My family enjoyed her so much. She fit right in with us. She is the most amazing person. There was not one uncomfortable moment between us. Jeff said yesterday evening that he already misses her. He had so much fun with her. He said he is going to really miss not having her here.

We took her to the airport yesterday at 12:15. It was really hard to say goodbye. We cried at the fact that we really don’tknow if we will ever see each other again. When we talked about how sad it would be to say goodbye she said, “let’s just be thankful for the time we have now,” which is so true. I am so glad she made this trip. She traveled for a whole day just to be here and I will never forget the fun we had.

I am tracking her plane and it is landing in New Zealand in 6 minutes. I know she is going to be so excited to see her family. She is going to have so many stories to tell them. We developed all of her pictures on Saturday so she could show them to her family as soon as she got home.

We had such a nice visit. I hope I can go to New Zealand one day.

Her plane just landed in New Zealand!! She is probably running to see her family.  :)

I'm home.

I’m home. I came home Sunday afternoon. I can’t just go in and have surgery, I have to have every complication that comes along with it. But the good news is I am doing good now.

My mom got here Tuesday and had me to the hospital by 5:00 a.m. I didn’t sleep all night. I just stayed up because I was so nervous. The doctor came in and explained just what they were going to do and that is when I learned that I wouldn’t be having the laparoscopy surgery, they were going to do a bikini cut. Uggg….. The anesthesiologist came in and asked me if I wanted a epidural instead of having to have morphine afterward. I get really sick on pain meds so I had the epidural. I was so scared but they came in and put something in my I.V. and I don’t even remember them doing it. But I do remember wheeling into the operating room and seeing about 5 people getting things ready for the surgery, and what looked like a mound of tools on a cart!

I woke up asking a ton of questions, “am I done?, is it over, am I o.k., where’s my mom?” Then they took me to my room. They kept the spinal in for the rest of the day. Thank god because about 20 minutes after I got into my room I had an asthma attack and started coughing my guts out. I was doing good until then. Then I started pushing my little spinal pump to get make sure I was numb enough not to feel the coughs. They said I pushed it 2 times every half hour for about 10 hours..lol. The thing is, my right leg had got very numb and I couldn’t even lift it the next morning so they slowed it down to see if that would work. My left leg was fine, I could move it and push against the doctors hand but the other one was just dead! It was so frustrating. This went on for 2 days. They were really concerned and I was going to have a CT scan to see what was going on but I started to feel my toes after they adjusted the needle in my back. They took out the needle the next day and about 4 hours later I was starting to move my leg again. I had to walk with a walker to the bathroom and drag my numb leg along with me.

After the asthma attack they had to do an x-ray of my lungs. This is when they said I had fluid on my lungs probably from the surgery. So I had to stay in the hospital and get tons of steroids and breathing treatments. I gained 11 pounds in 1 week! I feel like a balloon! The good thing is I will be off the steroids slowly within the next week and the weight will come off.

My mom and Jeff were visiting one night and the Chaplin came in and asked me if I wanted to say a prayer. I told her that would be wonderful. So she turned to my mom and Jeff and said…”are these your parents?” The look on Jeff’s face was like…HUH WHAT??!!! She said the most beautiful prayer for me, it was very touching and I was very emotional, but after she left I almost split myself laughing!!! There’s Jeff with his grey beard being called my dad! HYSTERICAL!!! I laughed so much that I went into another coughing fit! Lolol

Well, I’m home now and I am doing good. I am just a little sore and I have taken myself off the pain pills because I just can’t handle them. I can’t stand how they make me feel. I have nightmares. If I stay on the couch and not try to move around the house too much I feel good.

I have been so depressed over my appearance lately that I have even cried to Jeff. My hair is bushy and weird, I have major dark circles under my eyes, and I was already having issues with my weight gain and now I have gained even more. I know I will be back to normal one day, but when I look back on my journal and see who I was in the beginning of this cancer journey, I feel so lost. I don’t see myself in the mirror anymore.

When I feel better I am starting an exercise routine and my goal is to be cute by springtime!!!!!

Update on my mom.

Hi, this is Trish's daughter, Megan. I'm just giving a quick update to let everyone know that her surgery went well. However, she is still in the Hospital. She was suppost to come home Thursday but they have kept her because of breathing problems. She was also suppost to come home today, but they are keeping her until her breathing improves.

Just wanted everyone to know...

Love, Megan.

Getting ready for surgery.

Just a quick entry. I am getting ready to go in for surgery. I have to be there at 5:00 a.m. Surgery is at 7:30. My mom is going to go with me. Jeff can't take off work so he will come and see me when he gets off work. I think I have to be there a couple days. I am not looking forward to this but I know it has to be done.

I have done so much in the last week. When I was going through chemo, I would lay on my couch and dream about getting the painting done so now it's done! My living room and Megan's room both have been painted. My mom, Sue and Pam all came over Wednesday and helped with the living room. I was walking in circles with a paint brush in my hand. lol. I HATE painting. Sue and my mom came over and stripped the border off the wall and started painting the windows. Then Sue had to leave for a while and left and me and mom there wondering what to do next so we did a second coat on the windows. Then I said to my mom..."don't worry, when Pam gets here she will have a plan!" lol... Pam came and went to town on the ceiling and had the whole room almost painted then Sue came back, and  did the second coat! Thank god for my family. Like I said I HATE PAINTING!! I used to love it when I was younger and didn't have so much stuff. I think it is moving all the stuff out of the room and the rest of the house being so unorganized that gets me. But now I have to say, it was worth it. Everything looks so nice. Thanks, mom, Sue and Pam! I love you guys!!!!

Well I can't eat or drink after midnight so I think I am off to get a cookie and a glass of milk.

Wow. It's been a while. I have been so busy! I have been working and getting things done around the house that I haven't done in a year! All the sudden my eyes have been open to my surroundings again, and I'm not liking what I see! When I was sick I didn't see it. I painted the bathroom last week and then I painted the hallway ceiling. I think I over did it though because this week I have zero energy. It has been so hot here and that doesn't help.  Sue and Pam are coming to help me finish up. Thank god for them!! I hate asking for help, I always did everything myself but I just have to come to realize I don't have the energy like I used to.

I found out last week that I am going to have surgery a week from today.  I am going to have a Oophorectomy and probably a complete hysterectomy. It is all for preventative reasons. I am at a high risk for cancer in those areas so the doctors recommend it. I still don't know how I feel about it yet but it will be less worry for me if I don't have the ovaries.  I am not looking forward to this at all but I am going to do what I have to do.

My friend Jacqui is coming from New Zealand in less than a month. I am so excited to see her. I can't wait to go to the airport and pick her up. We will probably be up the whole night talking that first night. We have so much to talk about. This is something we both only could dream about now it is happening. I only wish that I could go there and visit one day. My family is excited too. Can't wait!!!

We have been working at the Haunted House on the weekends. We have so much fun. Even my mom was there one night. We scare the crap out of people. And Jeff is so big that he really gets them. Mike, Pam, Sue, Megan, Jeffrey all go too. Sue runs it for the little league fundraiser so we all go and help out.  Megan and Karen did all the art work on the trailers and it looks so cool! I will try and get some pictures of it.

Baby Jeffrey is so cute! He is rolling over now and his personality is really starting to show. I love that little stinker!

No more port!

A lot has gone on. Mom has recovered from diverticulitis. She was so sick. I was so worried. She would get better and then BAM, she would get sick again. She had a long hospital stay but I am glad to say that she is doing so much better.

I had my port removed on Wednesday. I am so happy to have it gone. It’s not that has bothered me but it was just there and it was a nuisance. I had to have it flushed every four weeks and it would ache sometimes. So I am just glad it’s gone. I also had to have a colonoscopy the same day. OMG if you ever had one I don’t even have to explain about the day before and the miserable “prep” as they call it. I had to drink the magic potion at 2:00. After I choked it down I was sitting there thinking. Hmm, maybe the misery everyone talks about won’t be so bad for me, I mean I hardly ate anything yesterday and I haven’t been on anything but liquids since I woke up this morning, Everything was going good for about 40 minutes. Then my sister called and I got up from the computer to answer the phone and it hit me. Sue said, “hi how’s it going” and I said…”good, OH NO, I GOTTA GO!!!!!” and it was downhill from there. I spent the next 4 hours running back and forth from the living room to the bathroom. Sometimes I wouldn’t even make it three steps out of the bathroom and I would have to turn around and go back again. If you have ever eaten a red hot chili pepper and know how bad it burns your mouth, just imagine what it would feel like if you sat on one! Well that’s what I felt like! It was miserable! Then 6:00 came and I had to drink the rest of the potion. I took one drink and had to gag it back into the toilet. I mean I have been through a lot in the last year but this topped it all. I just could not bring myself to drink the rest of it. Megan was cheering me on, but I just couldn’t do it. I did choke some down but I decided I had enough and poured the rest down the drain…….poor drain…lol.

Ok so I was clean as a whistle and ready for my colonoscopy. It went good and I wasn’t nervous at all. I just wanted it over with. I was so chatty with the nurse my mouth got dry from talking. My mom and Sue came with me and then Steve showed up with breakfast for them. I just remember being in the operating room and they were discussing which way the wanted my head, and they turned me twice and then I finally said…”Just put me out and I don’t care what way you put me, you can flip me around any way you want to.”

Then they started putting something in my IV and I said. Oh is that the stuff, and then I said..my ears sound funny then I woke up in the recovery room and felt where my port used to be and thought…OK I must be done, my port is gone. It has been an easy recovery. I was really sore the first 2 days, and now I am just a little sore. Oh, I did have 2 polyps removed that they found, and I had to have a biopsy of an area that was inflamed. They said I may have colitis. I still haven’t heard anything about that yet.

We had a after marriage party for Bonnie and Jeff at Pam’s house Saturday.

I really wanted to have a small reception for them, but Bonnie had family coming in from California and North Carolina so we had a small family and a few of their friends come over for a gathering at Pam and Mikes house. It turned out really nice. Jeff’s friends dad came and set up karaoke and I have to say, we had so much fun with it. Jeff was so funny. He makes me laugh. He was the life of the party as usual.

It was very casual. We had Pizza and beer and little ham and turkey roll up sandwiches and a variety of salads. I also bought a cute little wedding cake. We had a lot of fun! I still wish we could have thrown a nice reception for them and invited all my family and friends but they are truly happy with the party they had.

Baby Jeffrey is getting to be so much fun. He loves to smile! I love him so much. He makes me smile!

Moms in the hospital

My mom’s in the hospital! She is really sick. She went in with stomach pain on Friday and has been in since then. They diagnosed her with diverticulitis. That is the same thing Jeff had 2 years ago only his ruptured. She has an obstruction that is causing the pain and the way they treat it is, no food or liquid. She has not eaten anything in 5 days. She is doing ok one minute then terrible the next. It is so hard for me to see my mom like this. She is breaking my heart. A surgeon came in today and said that they will continue to monitor her. She drove herself there on Friday, (which I am still not happy about) but she said she didn’t want to bother any one until she knew what it was. I was leaving for camping and she didn’t want to ruin my trip! I got a call from Mike and he told me. I didn’t know what to do because we were pulling out of the drive way. We were only going an hour away so my family told me to go and set up the camper and then they would let me know what was going on. I was so upset. I felt so guilty as we were driving there because she was at every appointment for me and here I am going camping.

I kept in touch the entire weekend and then headed up to the hospital as soon as we got home and dropped off the camper. They had to put a tube in her nose and down to her stomach to help with the stomach fluid. She was so miserable. When I was there the other day she sneezed so many times she sneezed the tube right out of her nose! She was so upset! Now we laugh about it but at the time I was horrified! They left the tube out but the doctor that saw her today said if she keeps getting sick then they will have to put it back in. I hope she is better tomorrow….L ……………

update… I just talked to my mom and she is feeling really good. She had a good night and they let her eat something this morning! I am so happy! She has been so miserable.

Our camping trip was really fun. We just sat around relaxing for 3 days. It was a really nice park but the flies were just awful! I turned into the crazy fly swatter lady! I was in the camper while Jeff was taking a nap swatting at flies for an hour. When I think about me and that fly swatter I can’t help but laugh. We had a nice time, but I just couldn’t help but think about my mom the entire time.

I actually quit work the other day but I am somehow still working…. I don’t get it either but I am there. I am just going to go in until things settle down and they can find a permanent replacement for me.

Now for the great news! I found out my friend Jacqui from New Zealand is coming to visit me! We have not seen each other since 6th grade. I am thinking that is about 29 years ago. She moved here from New Zealand with her family and they lived down the street from me. They lived here for 1 year and we were really close. I can still remember crying and waving as their car pulled away to go to the airport knowing that I would never see her again. We kept in touch with letters and then when email came out we started e-mailing each other. I am so excited that she is coming. She will stay with me for 2 weeks!! How cool is that???

1 Year ago today.

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we?ll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain

(Little Wonders by Rob Thomas)

Here is the link to the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1ra4OAYKeM

 

 

These are the lyrics from one of my favorite songs. It’s sums up what Jeff and I have been through in our 23 years of marriage. When I think about all the struggles we have been through this song always comes to mind.

We have been through Jeff getting laid off from a job after 10 years, Megan being born at 3 lbs. premature, Jeffrey being in a bad car accident, Jeff’s colon rupturing, and family deaths. But 1 year ago today our world was truly shaken. It was the thing that no one ever wants to hear. “You have cancer” “malignant” “chemotherapy”. It was 1 year ago today that I walked into my surgeons office with my mom and sisters and waited for him to come into the room and tell uswhat I already knew in my heart. I went back and read my early posts and I just can’t believe that a whole year has gone by. I neverthought I would get through it. But I did! I did it with the help of my family, relatives and friends. There were days on chemo when I just didn’t want to do it anymore, but I would go to the mailbox and I would get a beautiful card from someone and know that I had so much support and it kept me going. My mom was here for me on my worst days. I would call her at 11:00 at night crying and she would drop everything and come over. She was at every appointment and test with me. My sisters would come over and rub my legs and feet when I was in pain from the chemo. Sue brought me Resee Puffs at 10:00 one night when I told her I was craving them. And Pam would come over and clean my house like the white tornado.

Jeff was so good through everything. I know it was really hard for him. He couldn’t even look at me without his eyes filling up with tears for the first few weeks. He felt so bad because he couldn’t go to my appointments with me, but he had to work. He would call me all day to see if I was ok. Then he would come home and tell me how cute I looked with my little bald head.

My kids went through a lot too. They are older but still need their mom. They were so used to having a hands on mom who was always there for them and I was so tired and sick I just couldn’t be that mom they were used to. I know it was hard for them to see me like that but they were so mature about it.

One year! In that one year I have grown so much. I have learned to appreciate every single day. When I was at my worst I would tell my mom, “I can’t do this anymore” and “I will never be the same person again”.  Well I DID do it! As for being the same person…. I have to say I am the same person, but I see life different now. I’ve learned that I don’t have to complain about the little things. And I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was.

Thanks to everyone who sent a card, an email, a gift, called me, or thought about me! I felt everyone’s love and still do.

And to all my friends that are still fighting this dreaded disease. Don’t stop fighting! You can do it.

My last Oncologist appointment for a while!

I went to the Oncologist last Wednesday and he reassured me that everything is fine! I am so happy. I have been so worried but he walked in the door and I said, “hi, it’s your two favorite people” (me and My mom) and he said your right! Then he said “congratulations!” Your MRI came back clean! I don’t have to go back and see him for 3 months. You don’t know how happy that makes me. I am so sick of that place. He said to go ahead and make the appointments to get my port out and he also thinks it is a good idea like my surgeon suggested that I get the colonoscopy at the same time. I have to call and make the appointment this week. Yay! I get to have my port out. Besides the boy haircut I have the port is one of the last remaining reminders that I HAD breast cancer. I like saying HAD! He also put me on some medicine for the neuropathy that I am having. (arms and feet going numb) He said it is nerve damage from the Taxotere. That was one of the chemo drugs I was on. I also have to take Centrum every day. I have to say though I am feeling like my old self again and I am loving it. I even started doing eBay again and am doing really good with it so far. I just need to get organized and put some more stuff on. The worst part of ebaying is mailing the stuff out. Sometimes I am at the post office 3 times a week. In fact they all know me there. They were great through the BC ordeal. I went in a couple times and they had gifts for me!

Baby Jeffrey is 2 months old already. He is so darn cute. He is smiling more and more every day. Bonnie went back to work so I am babysitting now. I love it. I am just glad I have the energy to do it.

Megan bought her first car. It is cute. It needs some work but it is her first car. We brought it home and she washed it and waxed it and vacuumed it all out. I bet it will be cleaner that her room!

Jeff and Bonnie are planning the party to celebrate their marriage. They mentioned having an 80’s themed party. How funny is that. I told them I will probably be able to spike my hair up with some glue by then. Maybe color it purple..hee hee. Hows that for the mother of the groom! They are excited about it. I know they wish they could have had a nice wedding but they are really happy that they are married.

I think we are going to an auction this weekend. We love to go to auctions I haven’t been going to many, but we did stop at one the other day. It’s funny because I keep running my hand through my hair (it’s a new habit I got since my hair started growing in). Well every time I would lift my hand and put in through my hair, Jeff would go “you just bid on that”. hee hee. Too funny.

I’m off to bed! It’s late. Take care!

Back from vacation and good news.

I am home from vacation. We had such a nice time. We were camping in Muskegeon on Lake Michigan for 10 days. Just a lot of hanging out with my family, bike riding, long car rides exploring, and eating! On the second night there we had a king crab leg feast. It was so good. My sister Sue deep fried some shrimp for me because she knows how much I love it.  I must have ate 30 shrimp myself. I am craving it right now. Pam and Mike had so many funny jokes to play on us.  My friends Vic and Panda came for a few days with their daughter and Megan and George came up on Thursday with the dog. We all had so much fun and it was just what I needed.

While I was camping I got a call from my son Jeffrey who said he was lost in downtown Detroit because he was going with Bonnie to pick up his marriage license. Then he told me that they would be married the following Monday. Huh What? I had my biopsy scheduled for the same time they picked to be married so they changed the time to 11:00 a.m. Monday morning. So yesterday Jeff, Bonnie, Her mother and I all went downtown and they got married in a short but very sweet ceremony. Yup Jeffrey and Bonnie are married! They will have a little party in celebration later in the year, but since the baby was born they just wanted to be a family. They are really happy and they are even going on a little honeymoon on Thursday.

Right after the wedding I had to get home and be to the doctor by 1:00. They had scheduled a biopsy for me. I went to the breast center and they did an ultra sound. The tech found a cyst, but the lump that we can feel would not even show up on the ultra sound so they are sure it is just breast tissue. They assured me that everything looked good in my right breast so they didn’t do the biopsy. Yipee! I was not looking forward to the biopsy and I am so relieved they are confident that there is nothing to be worried about. I am wondering what my oncologist has to say about this since he ordered the biopsy and they didn’t do it. I also have to talk to my surgeon and see what he thinks. Who knows they may want it out anyway. Now I just have three more procedures to get done. I am choosing to have my ovaries removed because of my high risk of ovarian cancer, I have to get my port removed, and then I have to have the colonoscopy. I didn’t realize how down I had been until the ride home in the car with Pam and I broke down and cried. I had been so scared. I was so afraid that it was going to turn out to be cancer again. I had been in such like a blank mode. I was doing things and going along with my vacation but I was really lost there for a while. Now I can move on. My hair is growing and I am feeling stronger everyday. I only had a few times on vacation where I napped all day, so I am on the comeback. I still have to decide if I am going to go back to work. Jeff wants me to quit my job and stay home and focus on our eBay sales and I also think I will be babysitting for Jeff and Bonnie.

The baby grew so much in 10 days. He is really filling out, and so much more alert. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on him when I got home. I love him so much. He is such a cutiepoo!

Biopsy scheduled but first VACATION!

I got a call from my oncologist office. They said that I needed to make an appointment with my surgeon because they want to biopsy the lump. She said that they think it is a cyst but because it is so close to the chest they don’t want to call it a cyst. A cyst sounds good to me. I went to my surgeon he felt the lump too and he wants me to have a ultrasound guided biopsy. Personally I just want the thing removed. Out of me! The thing is I am leaving for vacation Thursday and he wanted me to have it done before I left, but they couldn’t schedule it before then. Then the Breast Cancer Center calls me and tells me they want to do another ultrasound. Now I am just confused. Why do I have to have another ultrasound? I have no idea. So I have an ultrasound the day after I get back from vacation.  I have to go get my port flushed tomorrow at the oncologist office so I will be stopping by the front desk for sure to ask what the heck is going on. But ya know what? I am going on my vacation and I am not going to worry about it. I am sick of it. I just want to go and have fun and not think about cancer and that’s what I am going to do!

My cousin Linda and her family came to visit from New Jersey and we had such a nice time. They went to check out The University of Michigan, (her husband Tony is a big fan) Checked out Tiger Stadium and Comerica Park. We had a nice dinner at Pam’s house on Saturday. Then on Sunday we all went to breakfast. She has the sweetest kids and they are just beautiful. I really enjoyed their visit. I hope we can go to New Jersey and visit them next year. I wanted to go this year but it is just not working out.

I am so ready for vacation. I have the camper packed and ready to go. Jeff has to check the lights and make sure everything is working right and then off we will go! I am really going to miss my kids and baby Jeffrey. And I am really going to miss my dog too! I wish I could take him, but last year he was just a pain in the butt.

I have to go get some sleep. I have to go get my port flushed in the morning and I am not looking forward to it. It’s not that big of a deal it just creeps me out. I will be so happy to get it taken out.

OH I forgot something….My surgeon wants me to have a colonoscopy when thebiopsy ordeal is over!! OH GOD! What next! I have to say I walked out of his office with my butt cheeks clenched together! Not looking forward to that AT ALL!

I Went For My Tests

Well I went for my tests. I won’t know anything until I go to my oncologist on Tuesday. When I went in for my mammogram my sister Pam and my mom went with me. I felt so bad because they had to wait while I was in there for about an hour and a half!  I felt like I was having deja vu . It was the same thing as last year. Take a film she leaves the room, comes in takes another. I have to say it really hurt. The left side because of my surgery and radiation and the right side because of my port! She had to squish my port into the machine to get all the breast tissue up to the muscle. She tried to pull the port aside and do the films, but she came back and said, “ I know this is going to be uncomfortable for you but I have to get the film with the port in it because I am not getting all the area he needs to read the film. Whatever, I bit my lip and let her do what she had to do and thought myself, you have been through worse, you can do this. Then she came in and told me he wanted to do an ultrasound. So I go in for the ultrasound, and she has me show her exactly where the lump is. Then she finds it on the screen. Then I say…“does it look bad?” and she says…well unfortunately I can’t say anything, and the radiologist on duty has NEVER come in and talked to a patient since I have been here in 7 years! She said there are 4 radiologist and only 2 will come in and interact with the patients. (one of them I had last year and he came in and told me that I needed to have a biopsy) Then she says, ok I am going to go have him take a look at these and I will be back to let you know if I need more views. Ok so I’m waiting…..waiting….and the door opens…here she comes…and who’s behind her….OH GREAT! It’s the radiologist. He came out of his office after 7 years just for me! He says it is so close to the chest wall they are having a hard time just calling it a cyst. He has me show him where it is and they do another ultrasound and he shows me the lump on the screen that looks to be the size of a extra large pea. Then he says, “you see that white spot?, that tiny white spot has the characteristics of a cyst but I just can’t be sure, so I think you need to have it surgically removed just to be sure.” Then I say thanks and all that polite stuff, he leaves the room and the poor ultra sound girls looks at me horrified and says….“OH MY GOD! I am so sorry, I should never have said he has never talked to a patient.” At this point I am sayingto her.. “it’s ok!” and “don’t worry”, I told her it was fine and I am not any more scared than I would normally be just because he decided to grace me with his presence.

OK on to the MRI today.

We walk in and there is no one in sight. So my mom goes on a hunt to look for someone. Here comes the lady she doesn’t seem to happy to be at work….uh oh….she gives me a clipboard full of papers to fill out and sign and then my moms cell phone rings..It’s Sue she is worried about me and wants to know what’s going on. The lady looks up from her desk and says to my mom, “you can’t use your cell phone in here, so my mom gets up and try’s to walk away, and the lady say’s, “you can’t walk around with it either.” Then my mom say’s to Sue, “ I have to hang up, I’m getting yelled at!” Then my mom hangs up and make a noise like PFFTTT! I just keep my nose in the papers and stay our of it. So she calls me back to do the MRI, yes she is doing the MRI. Miss pissy pants herself! GREAT! I have to have an I.V. so she starts to look for a vein, and at that point I’m thinking, ok she’s mad at my mom and going to poke the bejusus out of me now. So I say, “sorry about the phone thing”…Hee hee. I don’t think it worked because she missed a vein twice and finally had to move to another spot on my arm and missed again, then finally got it. She did finally warm up to me because I am just so easy going and talkative that I pulled her out of her funky butt mood she was in. The test went ok. I had to lay in a tube for 30 minutes with both of my boobs hanging through holes, on my stomach with my arms over my head like superman. It was just like last time, toward the end I started freaking out a little but just stayed focused and even started thinking about going camping to keep my mind busy. I’m just glad it’s over. I hate all the testing. I know it is going to be a part of my life from now on and I hate the thought of it. It makes me angry.

On a happy note, my cousin Linda is coming from New Jersey with her family to visit this Friday. I am so excited to see her. She has kept in touch with me throughout this entire ordeal. She calls and emails me all the time. She is such a sweetheart. Her kids are just beautiful. I can’t wait to meet them. It should be a nice visit. I am really looking forward to this.

Baby Jeffrey is filling out really good. He is such a good baby. He is starting to look at things and notice things around him. He will look at me when I talk to him. I have to say I am a big goof when it comes to him. I was like that with my kids too. I love him so much. My plan is to watch him grow into a man so I have to keep fighting no matter what is thrown at me. I look into his little eyes and can’t imagine not being here to see him grow. Cancer really sucks. It makes you think of stuff like that. You can’t help it. I know my family doesn’t want to hear stuff like that but it is my reality.

I am getting the camper ready for our vacation. I can’t wait to go. I am really looking forward to it. The van broke down last week so we had to get a new radiator and a new belt put on so we should be good to go. By the time we get everything ready to pull the camper we could have gone on a tropical vacation. But I am so content camping. I love it! I plan on floating on a raft in Lake Michigan and forgetting about everything for a while. I will miss my computer. I am taking my little television though. I can’t miss Big Brother! I love that show.

Feeling good and growing hair!

I have been doing really good and I am feeling so energetic! It’s nice to feel good. I know a lot has to do with having baby Jeffrey around to snuggle on whenever I want to. He is just an absolute doll. All he does is  eats, sleeps, and poops at this stage! That’s it! He is starting to have a little more awake time in between feeding and I love holding him and looking into his eyes wondering if he can see me and I keep saying, “I’m Grandma”.

I have been getting the camper ready for our camping trip. I can’t wait to go.  Pam, Mike and my mom, and Sue and Steve are going too. Our campers are all in a row. It is right on Lake Michigan. I am really looking forward to it.

I have Bonnie all set with the bottle routine and things like that. I love making the bottles for her though. I remember when Jeffrey was born I used glass bottles and had a steam sterilizer that I would cram everything into. She is doing the platex drop ins and they are so easy. We just boil some water and put the nipples and caps in and drop in the liner and then were done! That’s it! I had them when Megan was born but they are still a lot easier now the when she was born. The gadgets they have now are unbelievable. I used to have a swing that cranked up and Megan would just fall asleep in it and it would stop swinging so would walk over and star cranking it up again and she would flail around like a fish out of water while I cranked it up and then she would start crying. Now they are battery operated. Just push a button and off they go.

My cousin Debbie is well into her chemotherapy and she seems to be doing good. I saw her last Saturday and her hair fell out and she is wearing the cutest wig. She looks good and say’s she feels good too. I think she has had 2 treatments now. I hope she continues to feel good. I love talking to her. She is so sweet. Chemo is so hard. I just hope it doesn’t get to be too much for her.

My sister Sue’s husbands cousin lost her boy in a hit and run accident the other day. It is just devastating. The guy was drunk. He hit him when he was crossing the street on his bike and then just took off. He left his car in a parking lot and walked home like nothing happened, that is until the police found the car and tracked it to his house. I feel so bad for them. I just can’t imagine what they are going through right now. To lose a child like that must be awful.

I have appointments for my tests to check out that dreaded lump in my right breast. I have a mammogram on Tuesday July 10th, then a MRI on Wednesday the 11th. I am really hoping it is just a cyst. I am trying to live day to day without worrying about it, but trust me it is always in the back of my mind that it could be something again. But how? With all that chemo running through my system how could something grow?

Well I thought it was about time I unveiled the hair. So here it is! Little Jeffrey has as much hair as I do!

Not another lump...

I have been on cloud nine with the baby and being done with treatment. That is until I went to the Oncologist on Tuesday. Everything went good, we talked about the tests I had and how they all came back wonderful, and how I am looking and feeling good. He told me that I wouldn’t have to come back to see him for 3 months and then I would have my tests again. Then he wanted to do a quick exam. He checked all my nodes to make sure there was nothing going on. Poked at my tummy, my neck, under my arm, and then my breasts. He did the left breast that is still sore and burned and raw from radiation and he was very gentle. Then he moved on to my right (the "good" one) and asked me if I have been having any issues with it…..then I told him about the tiny lump I have been feeling very deep near my chest wall. He felt it some more and then said. Yup your right there is something there. Then he sat down with his little pen and started writing stuff down in my file  He looked up and said.. “I am very concerned about this lump”…OH GREAT!!! Way to burst my happy bubble! My mom was with me, and I know she is upset. So now I have a new issue to deal with, not even a week out of final cancer treatment. My celebration has been short lived. I have to go in for a breast MRI and a bilateral mammogram in 3 weeks when my radiation burns heal. I know it’s a long time to wait but I have to heal first. I am at a place right now where I don’t even know what to think or feel. I am really hoping that this turns out to be ok. The thought of going through this again right now nauseates me. I know that I will be living with cancer following me around for the rest of my life, the worrying at every test, but not now! Not so soon! I am so worried.

On a happy note, I am enjoying my little bugaboo baby Jeffrey so much. It is just amazing to me that I am a grandma. Jeff is such a good grandpa too. He comes home from work and washes all the grime off him from the day and goes straight for the baby. We all love him so much. He will not lack for love in his life. Auntie Megan is just in love, Jeffrey’s friend Nick is here all the time to help with him too.

Pam has been coming over and helping me get organized since I haven’t had any organization in my life for 10 months. It is amazing how fast things can go down hill in a house! My basement and laundry room are a mess. Pam is like a cleaning machine. Here she is right now. She just walked in the door! Time to go clean!

I'm a grandma, and put a fork in me, I'm done!

Yay! Bonnie had the baby! What a little cutie poo. He is just adorable. She started having back labor on Wednesday and so about 8:00 Wednesday we took her to the hospital because it was getting pretty intense. They sent her home and said she wasn't dialated. At about 12:15 Jeffrey came running into the kitchen saying Bonnie's water broke, so back we went! She was dialated to 1 so the waiting began. By 3:00 in the morning she was at 2, and by 6 she was only at 4....so we waited...the doctor came in about 8:00 and said she was at 10.  She pushed for 1 hour and 45 minutes and the baby was born at 10:06 Thursday June 14! It was so exciting. I was in the room with her and so was her mom and Jeffrey. I stood by her head and grimased at every push! At one point she look at Jeffrey and in a cute little cry for sympathy said.."why did you do this to me"? She had the death grip on his head and I even saw her grab onto his hair...LOL. Here I am saying.."come on Bonnie, you can do it", (this coming from someone who never pushed out a baby, I had 2 c-sections) and by the last 15 minutes of pushing she was exhausted and saying she couldn't do it anymore. So I said, come on Bonnie get pissed and push that baby out!" She started pushing again and out popped Jeffrey Francis Ehrenberg III. We are all on cloud nine. Megan was so cute, she stood by the window just waiting for us to come out and tell them. Bonnie is still in the hospital, they are coming home Saturday. I can't wait.

Put a fork in me I'm done!  I had my last radiation! That's it! I'm done like dinner. I got a certificate and everything. I am officially done with cancer treatment. Whew, what a feeling. I made it through the good the bad and the ugly. It will be a year on June 24 that I went to the doctor and told her I had a lump in my breast. From there it has been a whirlwind. Now I can sit back, relax, and enjoy my new little grandbaby! Oh how I love him!

Time to party like a rock star!

The Relay, and Megan graduates!

I know it’s been a while. So much has been going on!

 First of all I did the Relay for Life on the 2nd of June. We had a little rain but it was a wonderful day regardless. I got a medal and 1 strand of beads (you get one for every year you are a survivor). I held the banner for the survivor lap and I was fine until I passed my family and looked their way and they were all crying, then I lost it. We walked all the way around the track and then the caregivers join us for another lap. It was very emotional. I made it about halfway around the second lap then I was exhausted! After that I went to the survivor luncheon with Jeff. It was really nice.  My friend Denise who is also a cancer survivor had a shirt on that said, "I am dedicating this relay to Trish Ehrenberg." I was so touched by that. It made me cry. That was so sweet and I think about it every day. I really wish we would have taken a picture together. We had so many people come out to support our team, and we raised a lot of money for cancer. I want to personally thank everyone who donated to my Relay website. It really means a lot to me. Thank you!

Megan graduated on the 7th of June. My little baby girl! She looked so grown up in her cap and gown. The day before I went to her farewell assembly at her school. I sat there waiting for her to walk in with her class, but there she was…peeking from a doorway and waving at me in her cap and gown. I had to choke back the tears when I saw her. She was so happy! I didn’t cry until the band played the Lion King song…lol. The Circle of Life. Oh lord…I pictured the lion king holding up his little cub and it got to me…lolol. Too funny. After that I took her to pizza hut and we met up with some of her friends.

The graduation ceremony went really good and when they said Megan’s name we all cheered like she just won a gold medal! Jeff was yelling, “way to go Iggy!” That’s what he calls her…actually he calls her Iggy Hilton..lol. People always say she looks like Paris Hilton. Now all she needs is a prison outfit and she will really look like her.

Saturday we had her graduation party. I had to have it right away because Jeff and Bonnie’s baby is due July 1st. Her party went great. I got to see all my relatives and friends. It was a beautiful day! So many people came and I was so proud of Megan. Before the party she said, “mom, what am I going to say when people ask me what I am doing now that school’s out?” I told her to hold her head up high and just be honest. She really doesn’t know what she wants to do. She is a great artist so she is thinking of taking some art classes. She has also talked about cosmetology school. She will be just fine. I know she will figure it out soon.

I have my last radiation on Thursday. I can’t believe it! My treatments will finally be over. I have dreamed about this day for months. I am having what they call “boosts” That is when they just focus the radiation on the spot where the lump was removed. I had to have 36 zaps altogether and 8 of them are boosts. I am really sore and peeling but radiation has been a lot easier than chemotherapy. If you look at my picture you can see some of the marks on my chest from the radiation. Now that I look at the picture, Jeffs sunburn looks worse!!

I am really tired all the time but I am actually starting to recover from the effects of the chemo. My knees and hips are not as stiff and I am also getting hair! It is getting really thick too. I colored it the other day to cover the grey and it came out really nice. Can you say…Chi Chi Chi Chia!

Sunday my son's friend asked Megan to play in a co-ed softball game. We went up to the park to watch and when we got there they said that they picther wasn't showing up so Jeff (big Jeff) ended up pitching! It was so fun to watch them play in a game together. Megan did really good! She got 3 hits! And then someone hit it to right field and she actually caught it. She was so funny. She was yelling YAY!!! So was her dad! I loved it. They won too! I hope she plays again.

 

 

Sunburns and tattoo's.

I’ve had 26 radiation zaps already! I can’t believe how fast this is going. I am getting a little crispy and it is really getting sore but I can handle it. You can see just where they are doing the radiation. It is like a bad sunburn that goes under my arm at where the lymph nodes were removed and goes across and under my breast. I have 3 more regular radiations and then I am getting 8 boosts. This is where they concentrate just on the spot where I had the lumpectomy. I was set up for that on Tuesday. The doctor came in and made all these dots all over me and then one of the guys that does my radiation came along and played follow the dots with permanent marker. So now I have a big black circle on my boob. It has to stay there for the rest of treatment. They touch it up everyday, plus he put something on it to make it more permanent. I start at the new place on Tuesday and I am going to miss the guys that do my radiation. I see them everyday! They have become a part of my life! They are so nice. And of course they know my life story because I’m chatty like that…hee hee. It is so funny we talk about how the weekend was, what they did, what I did, and all this while I am laying there with my boob hanging out. lol. My body is finally starting to get back to normal as far as stiffness goes. I can move a lot better now. I am still dealing with fatigue I am so exhausted all day and when I try to nap I can’t get to sleep! It is so frustrating. My stomach was nauseated for 4 days now and I finally decided it was all the pain medication I have been taking. The doctor has me on it 3 times a day to manage the pain in my arm and my legs and it is working on the pain but I am so sick to my stomach. Iccckkkk.

Guess what?  While I was at radiation getting marked up with permanent marker, Megan was with her friend getting a tattoo! She is 18 now so she didn’t have me there to do anything about it. Guess what she got? A breast cancer ribbon with a butterfly on it. She designed it herself and took the picture up to the...oh lord...ta..ta..ta..tattoo parlor. Do they still call it that? It is on her lower back and it is tiny but her dad is NOT happy…he won’t even look at it. She said, "mom I did it for you!” I have to say it is cute and I know this was her way of showing me how much she cared. But she is still a baby in my eyes..now she is has a tattoo to go along with her belly button ring, her dad may not recover from this. 

                                       

                                 Megan's tattoo. The little stinker!

Jeff and Bonnie put the crib put together and it is so cute. She has exactly 1 month until she is due! She has to go to the doctor 2 times a week for non stress tests. She goes to a high risk doctor and they are taking really good care of her. They did a 3D ultra sound the other day and you can see what the baby looks like! I came home and got out Jeffrey’s baby pictures and I swear it looks just like him as a newborn. How weird that they can do that. My ultra sounds were a fuzzy mess!

This weekend is the Relay for Life. It starts Saturday morning at 10:00 at Heritage Park in Taylor. I was told that they would like for me to help carry the banner this year for the survivor lap. I told Jeff and he said…“oh no..I’m gonna have to wear my sunglasses.” He is so emotional about this. I know it will be hard on my family too. I hope the weather is nice. The weatherman doesn’t seem to think it will be, but rain or shine we will be there! Everyone is invited to come and hang out with us.

Megan's prom

Well Megan had her prom. She was a bit of a promzilla but in the end she looked beautiful and everything turned out nice. I had radiation that day so I got home just in time to do her hair. She only has 6 days of school left and then she graduates. I still can't believe it. She still isn't sure what she wants to do after school and I am not going to push her into going to college even though I know she should. She has some time to think and I hope she figures something out. She knows what I think she should do....lol

I had radiation #19 today and I am starting to get a really good tan! lol. It is so weird you can see exactly where they are doing the radiation. Today I found out they are sending me somewhere else to finish up because they will be doing maintenance on the machine at the hospital. I am kind of bummed because I am so used to going there and I love all the people, but I am sure everything will be fine where they are sending me. I am also bummed because the massage therapy that I was getting at the hospital was free and I don't know if I will still be able to get it at the new place. Aside from being really tired and achy I am getting through this ok. It's nothing like chemotherapy, but I can't wait for it to be over. I haven't worked in weeks but I know now that it is the best thing for me. I finally caved in and realized that I need to listen to my doctor and my husband.

I went to my Jeff's softball game tonight and the old man still has it! He is in the Michigan Softball Hall of Fame and I am so proud of him for that. He didn't want to play this year but I kind of talked him into it. I used to love watching him play when we were younger but the last few years he has lost interest but watching him tonight you can still see that he loves the game.

Well tomorrow is my birthday. I never got to excited about having one but I will appreciate every one that I can get now! I am going out to lunch with my mom and Sue after radiation and then when Jeff gets home from work we are going to go out for dinner if I feel up to it.

I added some pictures of the prom. I am still trying to figure out the new picture format they are using on the journal pages. I think you can click on a picture if you want to see it larger. As you can see I was dressed for the occasion...lol

Bead head day!

I had a good Mother’s Day. My kids made sure they told me how much they appreciate me and Jeffrey gave me some beautiful flowers, a candle and a mini food processor. Bonnie gave me some wind chimes and a really nice card. Megan rubbed my legs and feet and we talked about the prom coming up this Friday.

I went grocery shopping with Jeff Sunday. It is getting to be a chore once again like when I was on chemo but it had to be done. I have not gone in a couple weeks because I have ZERO energy. I get winded just walking around my house. Today I had radiation number 14 and they could tell when I walked in the door how fatigued I am. They said it was one of the major side effects of radiation. It is no where near as hard as chemo but it does have it’s side effects. I am starting to get red and sore. Today when I woke up I was ready to crawl back in bed again. I showered and got dressed and went to my appointment. I was on the elevator and was on the verge of tears because everything is starting to get to me. I have so much going on and I am so sick of doctors and hospitals. I was putting on my gown for radiation and again, on the verge of tears. I moped into the room when my name was called they could tell I wasn’t having a good day. It is so funny how they know and try to cheer you up. They are all so young! One of the boys could be my son, but I still whip out my boob and let them do what they have to do. So many people have seen my boobs at this point that it makes no difference to me who looks at them. When I was done I had to go have some blood work done and the lady that did it was so nice. She ended up giving me a hug and saying, “don’t give up now girl.” We were meant to meet today because she really made me get myself together and get out of the mood I was in. When I left there I went to the coffee shop in the hospital and got a piece of spinach pie and a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie and ate them in the car on the way home. That’s all it took, I was cured of the feeling sorry for myself day.

I start massage therapy at the hospital on Wednesday to help get my legs and hips moving again. I am still having a hard time walking and being on my feet for too long. I was sitting on the bed with my legs crossed the other day cutting out coupons and Jeff called me. When I went to get up I was  gimping around in pain for5 minutes. Lol. They say the massage therapy will do wonders for that so I am looking forward to it.

I am getting more hair! Today I woke up and looked in the mirror and actually had bed head! It was sticking up in one side and fuzzy. It is only about ¾ of and inch but it is starting to look like hair. I tried to put some 6 shampoo wash out color on it the other day to cover the grey but it washed out the first shampoo. I keep walking out of the house and forgetting that I don’t have a hat on then I have to creep back in and get my hat. One of these days I am going to have enough guts to lose the hat. Maybe another month or so it will be long enough.

I found something that Sharon wrote that is helping me get through today.

Dear God Above,

Please help me to deal with my anxieties.

Help me to be thankful for all the good things in my life.

Help me to be a good wife, a good friend, a good sister and daughter.

Please don’t let me dwell or be so concerned with what I don’t have or for the dreams I have in my heart that have yet to come true.

Let me realize that by keeping my faith in you and a prayer in my mind that those dreams could still come true.

Let me express my thanks to you for all the happiness I have known. For the many blessings that you have bestowed on me , and when I do get down and feeling low, please continue to help carry me through the rough times and on through to a better tomorrow, where I can see things in a different light.

 

 

Baby shower

I’m going along good with radiation. I am getting a little sore and my arm feels like it weighs ten pounds but I am good. I asked the doctor about it and she said that it is probably because I have to raise my arm way over my head and hang onto a pole everyday. I have some shooting pains every now and then on my left side under my arm and on my breast where they are focusing the radiation. The one thing that is driving me crazy is the fatigue. It is so bad. I get extremely tired throughout the day. I am also still having some side effects from chemo. I am so frustrated with my body. I have a hard time getting up after I have been sitting. My legs shake and then my knees and hips just don’t want to move. Once I get going I am good, but it is painful. She said it could take up to a year to get back my strength. A year! I don’t have a year, I have a grandbaby coming that is going to keep me hopping. I got some practice with that because I am watched my 3 month old great nephew. I forgot how demanding those little stinkers are. I fed him and burped him and then had to go change my clothes. Lol. He is so cute and such a good baby. I put cartoons on for him and he sat in his little chair watching like he really knew what was going on. I haven’t watched cartoons since my kids were little. Lol Sue and Steve usually watch him but Steve had surgery to remove his gallbladder and have a hernia repaired so Sue had to pick him up from the hospital. Steve is home now and so far Steve is recovering good.

We had the baby shower for Jeff and Bonnie and it turned out really nice. There were so many people there. It was so nice to see everyone. I think everyone had a good time. They got everything they needed to get started with the baby. My family has been great helping me with everything. I have no energy and they all just pitched in at the shower and made it happen. My friend Judy stayed and helped clean up and I was so grateful. That was so nice. I stressed over that shower for months and now it’s over. lol

Now I am starting to send out invitations for Megan’s graduation. I fear that everyone will think…oh no….another Ehrenberg party!! I am going to have her party early because the baby will be here in 8 weeks! Megan has been so good through all of this cancer stuff. It is her senior year and her mom is sick, so I really think she deserves this party. Her prom is May 18th. We borrowed a dress from someone and it had to be altered so I have to pick it up Thursday. It is just beautiful. When we went to the dress shop the lady said…“oh that is last years dress“….and I Megan goes,
“I know, I borrowed it from someone!” How grown up is that. She could have been a little snot about it and got mad about not having the newest dress that everyone is wearing, but she is happy with her dress and she looks just beautiful in it. I can’t wait to post pictures.

Yesterday my doctor told me that she doesn’t want me to go to work for a while. I have been really run down so she is concerned. I told her that I only watch kids eat lunch and clean up after them but she still thinks I need to stay home. I went to work Monday and was so tired that I just wanted to lay on the lunchroom floor. School ends soon and Jeff thinks I should just take the rest of the year off too but I am so stubborn. I will have to see how I feel in the next week.

 

 

 

Boy of Boy oh Boy!!

Boy oh boy oh boy! What a week it has been. My emotions have been all over the place. The minor stuff I can handle, like my fridge still being broke, and how much it is going to cost to fix it. It is the main board that controls the fan that was out so I have to get it replaced. I am not too fond of the guy that is fixing it but since I already paid them to come out and just look at it so I am stuck now having him fix it. If your wondering why I am not so happy with the guy..he just made a really stupid remark about cancer to me and I handled it good but when Jeff heard he was so pissed off! He called the company and told on the guy. I didn’t want him to but he was extremely mad. If you want to know what he said email me and I will tell you. I called and told them that my husband wanted someone else to come and do the work but he is the only one that works on refrigerators. Whatever. I am going to be so embarrassed when he comes back…not for me but for him! Some people just don’t think before they say things.

(UPDATE) I called in a new company to do the work AND it was much cheaper. I am out $55.00 but I don’t even care anymore!

And another minor thing is paint spilled all over my carpet in the van. Oil based paint! RED!! I got most of it up with turpentine but now my car smells awful..lol.

Ok…this one can be filed under the slightly major category…..one of my toenails fell off from chemo! I know…YUCK!!! I was horrified! Not only because it is gross but because it is sandal weather. lol

Today I went for my 7th radiation treatment. My cousin Debbie is at the same hospital because she just had surgery for uterine cancer. It makes the fridge and the paint drama just seem so trivial. I am so sick of bad news.

Yesterday when I was there I went to see her before surgery. She is in really good spirits. I told her that she can do this!! No matter what they throw at her she can do it!! I had to go home but my mom stayed with them through the surgery. The doctor told them that it was also in her ovaries, so she has to have chemotherapy. I feel so bad for her she is such a sweetheart. I went in and checked on her today when I went to radiation and she seems like she is in good spirits. When I was leaving they were getting her up to walk. I never realized how much we had in common. We talked about the T.V. shows we watched and had a really nice talk.

My friend Kim that has a journal just got bad news too. She has been battling along with me for months, and within the last week found out that she has spots in her lungs, spine and brain. She has been such an inspiration to me through my treatment and I would read her journal and know that I could face anything I was going through. I hate that she has to go through all the treatments again. I know it was hard for her the first time. The link to her journal is on my sidebar to the left of my journal. It's called "I Shaved My Legs for This?" She is such a good writer and has such a great outlook.

I am getting ready for the baby shower on Sunday. Only 8 more weeks and I will be a GRANDMA! I am so excited. I know the shower will turn out good but I am having party planning anxiety. Lol I have counted shower prizes and favors 5 times and I come up with a different number every time! Lol. I give up!! As soon as the shower is over I have to get Megan’s graduation party invitations out….yi yi yi…

My hair is growing in really good. I can get a nice lather going now too! I love it. I am still not ready to go without a hat or scarf though. I think within a couple weeks the world will get to see my new doo! I lost 3 more pounds since last Friday so that makes 10 pounds. It was all that bloat from the steroids and it is just melting off. I feel so much better and I even wore my jeans on Sunday.

So far the radiation is going good. I have a little pain but I can handle it. It is so depressing in the waiting room though. There are so many sick people out there. It is weird because I feel so bad for them, I don’t see myself like that. They might be thinking the same thing about me! lol

 

Drivers license pictures...YUCK!

I’ve had 3 zaps and so far I’m doing good. Monday I start on a regular schedule so that is good. I have so many appointments lined up for the next couple weeks. Radiation is a breeze so far and everyone there is so nice.

I have fallen into kind of a depressed mode lately. I don’t know why. It’s just not like me. I think when you go through something like this you keep going and doing everything you have to do to get better and it all just catches up with you after a while. I am frustrated because my mind feels good but my body is just not like it used to be. I can’t just bend over and pick up my dogs toy like I used to because now it takes everything I have to get up again. I walk up the stairs and have to stop at the top because I am exhausted. I walk down the stairs and my knees just don’t want to work. Chemo does a number on your body. Then coming off of all the steroids after you have been on them for 7 months is hard to adjust. I have lost 7 of the 20 plus pounds I gained from them though.

Jeffrey bought a new car last week and I had to do all the running around for it because with his new job he gets home when everything is closed. I had to go to the Secretary of State and get his plates and registration so while I was there I decided I might as well do all my stuff too. I had to renew our plates and I also had to renew my drivers license. I couldn’t mail it in this time I had to go up there and get a NEW PICTURE!!! Oh great, a nice new puffy faced, bald headed picture! So I wore my pink scarf, and my finest sweat suit and headed up to the DMV. I even wore extra eye liner. I was number 70 and they were on number 30 so I sat there and waited for my number. After about 10 minutes one of the ladies asked if anyone was here to renew their drivers license so I got line with about 10 other people. I told her I had plates to renew too and she said when I am done with my license I can sit and wait for my number to be called. It was my turn and I had my eyes checked then she started my paperwork. And then she whispered, I am just going to go ahead and do your plates now too! I was so thankful to her. She said you don’t need to be in here waiting in line with all these people. Who knew cancer had it’s perks! Ok now it was time for the dreaded picture, I stood there all proud and beaming with my little pink scarf on because there was just nothing I could do about it so I decided I was going to rock my pink scarf and just smile. Click…she took the picture, then she calls over the other lady…for some reason it was taking a full body shot of me….lol so they said…ok we are going to take one more…click…full body shot again. This went on and on and by the 5th time I was laughing so hard I couldn’t even pose for the picture. They took 7 pictures in all, and then decided they were just going to use my old picture! Can you believe it. I stood there in front of 50 people getting my picture taken 7 times and they use my old picture. Everyone hates that moment when you stand up and get that dreaded drivers license picture taken. It’s awkward and nobody likes to do it but by the time I was done everyone around me was rooting me on. So it all worked out in the end.

It is a beautiful day out today but I am so tired. I think I am going to go take a nap.

 

 

Radiation begins!

I waited ten days to hear from someone about starting radiation and this morning I get a call saying, can you be here at 11:45? Yikes no time to think! I was really nervous about it. I called my mom and she came to my rescue. Today was actually a dry run, I start tomorrow and I don’t really have a schedule yet. I have to do it at their convenience because there are no regular time slots open. So starting tomorrow I will go everyday except Saturday and Sunday for 7 weeks for a total of 35 treatments. That means I will end some where around June 12. I heard it takes longer to change your clothes than it does to do the treatment.

Today I had to lay on the table in the little form they made for me and this huge machine rotated around me and they made sure everything was lining up right. They also gave me a little bar code on a card that I have to scan everyday and it lets them know I am there for treatment. Then I go into the changing room and change into my lovely gown. Then I just wait for my name to be called.

My joints are still so sore from treatment that I feel like the tin man. I need an oil can. I have a really hard time walking up and down the stairs because my knees are so stiff. I couldn't figure out what was going on until my friend reminded my sister that I was on steroids for so long it is probably from that.

My refrigerator is still broken. Oh, it makes ice and I can use it but it is just not as cold as it should be. So I ordered the part (an evaporator fan) that I needed and put it on yesterday…guess what…still not working….I am so frustrated. I was sure it was that part because it was not rotating. Well, the new one isn’t either, which makes me think that something else runs that fan and needs to be replaced also. I may have to break down and call in a repair man.

I have so much going on right now that I am losing my mind. I have the baby shower, then I have the Relay for Life and then Megan’s graduation party! Thank god for my family, they are so helpful. Megan has the prom in between all this. I back into my hectic world. It’s funny how when I wasn’t feeling well everything was just going on around me and I didn’t even notice or care to get stressed out about it. I am just going to take a deep breath and let things fall into place.

Ms. Fix it!

I went to work today and aside from my joints being stiff I did really good. I was a little tired when I got home but still managed to go to the deli and get some stuff done around the house afterward. We have needed a new kitchen faucet for about 4 months now. It worked, but the hot water handle was broken so every time I needed to use it I had to reach under the sink and turn it on from there. Yes my man can put in windows but he’s no plumber.

Yesterday we went to Home Depot and bought the new fixture. Today when I came home from work it was sitting on the kitchen table and I walked by it about 5 times and then decided I was going to fix it myself! I crawled under the sink and turned off the water and then went and got a pillow to lay on and crammed myself under the cabinet and started wrenching. I got the first nut off no problem, but the other ones were stubborn. When Jeff came in from work all he could see was my feet stinking out from under the sink. I was so determined to do this myself but I just didn’t have the strength to get the rest of the nuts loosened so Jeff came to my rescue! When he got them loose I told him to get lost so I could finish it myself. He was laying on the couch saying “how’s it going in there Trish?” I called him in when I was done so we could watch the hot water flow out of my masterpiece. It was so nice to do something productive! I have always been the one to fix things around the house. I put the bathroom faucet on about a year ago, years ago I tore apart the refrigerator when the defrost timer went out and put it on myself. We got about 3 more years out of it and now Sue has it in her garage! My washer broke once and I took that apart and discovered it was just a wire that had come loose during the spin cycle. I added a phone line in Jeffrey’s bedroom when he was younger so we could hook up the internet in his room, and I can change electrical outlets too! I always watched my dad fix stuff around the house. He had four girls and I was the youngest. I would always hang around and watch and hand him the tools he needed. I knew what needle nose pliers were when I was five. I hate when I have to call in a repair man for something. My refrigerator is acting up and I have only had it for 3 years. My warranty went out in December so now it’s up to me. I guess I will be taking that apart soon and trying to figure out what’s wrong with it! Jeff can hand me the tools….lol

Today when I came in from work my dog was sitting on the couch waiting for me. I walked in and had the left the door open, so after I put my purse on the kitchen table I walked back in the living room to shut the door and said to Dabny (my dog) HEY LOVERBOY!!! And guess what????….the mailman was on my front porch putting the mail in my mailbox! OMG! I just crept away and then shut the door when he left. Hee hee. Can you imagine? A bald lady saying HEY LOVERBOY to the mailman! He must think I’m a nut job. How do you explain that one? “Ummmm. I was talking to my dog“….lolol

Jeff’s fiancé Bonnie spent most of Saturday in the emergency room because she was having a hard time breathing. She was getting ready to leave for work and you could see her gasping for breath. She called the doctor and they said to go to the hospital. They gave her a breathing treatment and it didn’t help at all, so they decided to do some test because they wanted to rule out a blood clot in her lung. Thank god that’s not what it was. She has a virus and they gave her an inhaler to use and she is doing much better. Her belly is getting so big! I got to hear the babies heart beat while we were there. I was sitting there listening to it thinking…that’s my little grandbaby in there! I am so excited. This baby is going to be such a blessing after all my family has been through. I just can’t wait to get my hands on the little guy.

Radiation

I went for my radiation simulation yesterday. This is where they set me up for my treatments. My mom, Pam and Sue came with me. I was a little nervous because I didn’t know what to expect. They called me back, and I had to lay on a table on and rest my head and shoulders on a foam block. It looked like one of the things that come in the box when you buy a new television.

It was covered in plastic and they poured some thick goopy stuff over it and then position me how they wanted me to lay. I had to lay with my left arm up over my head and hold onto a pole that was by my right shoulder. The foam got really hot until it hardened from the chemical. This took about 5 minutes. So there I lay holding onto the pole and my hand and arm are starting to fall asleep. It was driving me crazy, I just wanted to shake it out. I asked if I could move it but she said I had to hold it up there another 15 minutes. I couldn’t move because the doctor had to make some markings with magic marker.. I have X’s and marks all over me. Then they started to do a CAT scan, and the computer froze up. I finally got to put my arm down while they rebooted the computer and what a relief. I had to do the CAT scan again and then they had to tattoo some marks so they know exactly where to do the radiation. I’m not going to lie, it hurt! I had 4 tattoo’s in all. I got dressed and went out to where my family was waiting and when I saw them I started crying like a big baby. I don’t even know why! I think I am just sick of all the poking and prodding. I had to sit down for a little bit before we could leave. Oh before we left I dragged them all into the bathroom and showed them my magic marker marks and my tattoo’s! The tattoo’s are just little dots and only like little freckles. The girl that did them said my skin takes to tattoo ink really well and if I ever get a real tattoo it would come out nice. Hmmm should I get a tattoo?

Oh I have news! Jeffrey bought Bonnie an engagement ringand put it in her Easter basket on Sunday! He did such a good job, it is a beautiful ring. She was so excited and they were so cute. I was in the kitchen with Megan and we could hear them and we were clinging together crying. Hee hee.

I have to wait for a call from the hospital,they said 5-10 days before I start radiation. I am feeling so good lately that I am planning on working when I can. I already asked them to schedule me for after work. I have come such a long way already. When I look back now I can’t even remember how miserable I was!