I'm home.

I’m home. I came home Sunday afternoon. I can’t just go in and have surgery, I have to have every complication that comes along with it. But the good news is I am doing good now.

My mom got here Tuesday and had me to the hospital by 5:00 a.m. I didn’t sleep all night. I just stayed up because I was so nervous. The doctor came in and explained just what they were going to do and that is when I learned that I wouldn’t be having the laparoscopy surgery, they were going to do a bikini cut. Uggg….. The anesthesiologist came in and asked me if I wanted a epidural instead of having to have morphine afterward. I get really sick on pain meds so I had the epidural. I was so scared but they came in and put something in my I.V. and I don’t even remember them doing it. But I do remember wheeling into the operating room and seeing about 5 people getting things ready for the surgery, and what looked like a mound of tools on a cart!

I woke up asking a ton of questions, “am I done?, is it over, am I o.k., where’s my mom?” Then they took me to my room. They kept the spinal in for the rest of the day. Thank god because about 20 minutes after I got into my room I had an asthma attack and started coughing my guts out. I was doing good until then. Then I started pushing my little spinal pump to get make sure I was numb enough not to feel the coughs. They said I pushed it 2 times every half hour for about 10 hours..lol. The thing is, my right leg had got very numb and I couldn’t even lift it the next morning so they slowed it down to see if that would work. My left leg was fine, I could move it and push against the doctors hand but the other one was just dead! It was so frustrating. This went on for 2 days. They were really concerned and I was going to have a CT scan to see what was going on but I started to feel my toes after they adjusted the needle in my back. They took out the needle the next day and about 4 hours later I was starting to move my leg again. I had to walk with a walker to the bathroom and drag my numb leg along with me.

After the asthma attack they had to do an x-ray of my lungs. This is when they said I had fluid on my lungs probably from the surgery. So I had to stay in the hospital and get tons of steroids and breathing treatments. I gained 11 pounds in 1 week! I feel like a balloon! The good thing is I will be off the steroids slowly within the next week and the weight will come off.

My mom and Jeff were visiting one night and the Chaplin came in and asked me if I wanted to say a prayer. I told her that would be wonderful. So she turned to my mom and Jeff and said…”are these your parents?” The look on Jeff’s face was like…HUH WHAT??!!! She said the most beautiful prayer for me, it was very touching and I was very emotional, but after she left I almost split myself laughing!!! There’s Jeff with his grey beard being called my dad! HYSTERICAL!!! I laughed so much that I went into another coughing fit! Lolol

Well, I’m home now and I am doing good. I am just a little sore and I have taken myself off the pain pills because I just can’t handle them. I can’t stand how they make me feel. I have nightmares. If I stay on the couch and not try to move around the house too much I feel good.

I have been so depressed over my appearance lately that I have even cried to Jeff. My hair is bushy and weird, I have major dark circles under my eyes, and I was already having issues with my weight gain and now I have gained even more. I know I will be back to normal one day, but when I look back on my journal and see who I was in the beginning of this cancer journey, I feel so lost. I don’t see myself in the mirror anymore.

When I feel better I am starting an exercise routine and my goal is to be cute by springtime!!!!!