My Breast Cancer Story, Eleven Years Later...here I go again.

I had a really nice Christmas. I felt really good. My mom on the other hand said every bone in her body hurt that day and that she prayed at church to take my pain away. Unfortunately for her it worked.  We had such a nice family Christmas. We played games and had a really nice dinner. The only problem I had on Christmas was mouth sores and my throat hurt. When I woke up the next morning my voice was gone, and it still is. It is coming back slowly. I went for my lab work on Wednesday and my white count was at zero. My ly, mo, gr, ly#, mo#, and my gr# didn’t even register. (I don’t even know what those are but they seemed pretty concerned). They put me on antibiotics and I have to do the “stupid shot” as I now call it. I hate doing it! It doesn’t really hurt too bad anymore, just burns when the medicine is pushed in, but I just hate poking that needle into my stomach. Last night I actually prayed to my sister Sharon to help me find the courage to just do it after I kept putting it ...

Can anyone be this miserable? I am so over this Breast Cancer thing. Here it is Christmas Eve and I can barely get myself off the couch. This treatment has really knocked me out. I am so frustrated. I don’t feel like getting dressed or moving. My mind wants to go, go, go, but my body will not. I don’t feel like watching television or reading, all I want is for the days to be over so I can try and go to sleep. Sleeps another story. I have been sleeping on the couch because I am up 10 times a night with hot flashes and I don’t want to wake up Jeff. I have watched every infomercial that is out there. This is what I have learned so far. I am sure I can now become a millionaire buying homes and re-selling them after I fix them up, I know I can have acne free, baby soft skin if I follow a simple 3 step regimen, I can Bedazzle anything in my house and make it snazzy. I can have a sparkling clean colon if I take a colon potion, I can put a blanket in a big bag and suck it into to a small squa...

I haven’t written in my journal in a while. I had a bad month. I am finally feeling good again. I went to work all week and did good. After the first hour I start to yawn uncontrollably and then I come home and sleep for 3 hours. I go for my 5th treatment on Monday and I am starting on Taxotere so I am a little nervous about what the side effects are going to be. With the Adriamycin and Cytoxan I have had mouth sores, nausea, constipation, diarrhea, headaches, bone aches, acid reflux, and hot flashes about 100 times a day! I have had no appetite but have managed to gain 9 pounds! The doctor said it is from the steroids. Jeff is all about me gaining wait. He says I need to stay healthy. I feel like a bloated toad. I have tried to write in my journal but it has been difficult. I am trying to keep my positive attitude but it’s hard sometimes. My eyelashes and eyebrows are starting to fall out so when I look in the mirror with no makeup on I think I look like an alien. My friend Patty tha...

Today is my dad's birthday. He died 2 years ago tomorrow. He was the greatest dad. My mom and dad had 4 girls so I know he must have gone crazy some days with all of us women in the house, but he never complained. He was so kind to my mom. He would do anything for her. They had a great marriage and a good life together. They did so much! He lived a full, fun life. I miss my dad. I miss his smile. I miss him singing songs and whistling. I miss his hugs. Here is something that my sister Sharon wrote about him. G rowing Up With a Dad Like You When I was a little girl I worshipped my daddy so much He always seemed more special than other daddy's I felt like the luckiest daughter alive Growing up was easier for me than most little girls Because I could talk to my daddy about anything He always listened and he always cared. When I was young he sang me lullabies When I got married he harmonized sweet blessings Still, as I grow older, When I close my eyes I here his sweet distin...

I had chemo #4 and I am still trying to decide if have recovered from it yet. I feel good in the morning, then about 2:00 comes and I start to feel it. So far I have a lot of nasuea and some mouth sores with this round. I’m done with the Adriamycin and Cytoxan part of my chemo, now I move onto the Taxotere for 4 treatments every 3 weeks. The Taxotere has less nausea side effects but it causes bone pain. uggh The last week has been emotional for me. Megan had a field trip and I didn’t know if I would be able to go with her. She was really looking forward to it. She talked to the teacher and they said if I feel good to just show up and it would be fine. Well, I ended up going with her. That was the Wednesday following my chemo. I felt really good in the morning, but I had a couple moments on the bus where I was thinking….what am I doing here. I just really wanted to be there with her. On the way home we had to stop by and pick out her senior pictures. I started crying when I saw them. ...

I have Chemo #4 on Monday.  It seems like I just found out that I had breast cancer and now I am half way done with the chemotherapy.I had exactly 2 really good days this round of treatment, yesterday and today. I have been full of energy! We had a great time shopping on Friday. I went with Sue, Pam and Jeffrey. Jeff went too but sat in the car, I let him go home after I caught him snoozing in the van and about scared the crap out of him when I knocked on the window.  I had a moment where I got really tired but I got a second wind and shopped some more. We started out at 5:00 a.m. at Meijer. Then we went to the mall. When we were there we lost track of Jeffrey and he kept calling me on the cell phone. We kept losing connection and he was getting so frustrated. When he finally found us he said "that was like playing Where's Waldo." Then he said, "no  it was really like playing Where's BALDO!!"  We all laughed so hard. He has his dad's sense of humor.   W...

I have good news! I have the O.K. to go to Thanksgiving with my family! My counts are going up so they said to stay in on Wednesday and rest and then go and enjoy my family on Thanksgiving. I am so happy. They also said that I can go shopping Friday but not to over do it. Friday shopping is a tradition with my sisters and I have so much fun with them. I am sure I won't last too long but I will be out there bright and early with my BC coffee thermos. I have a wonderful family and  great relatives and friends to be thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

I went to the oncologist today for my second bag of antibiotics. The chest x-ray came back and  it looked good. My counts are still low so I have to go back in the morning and have more blood drawn. In the mean time I can't leave my house until my counts are back up, only to go to the doctor. When I was sitting there with my mom we were watching the food network and I was actually wanting food, so we started talking about where we were going to go out to eat after we left the doctor and the nurse said, "you can't go to a restaurant you can't be around anyone right now!" Me and my mom looked at each other like huh, what?  There goes the bean and cheese chimichanga I was dreaming about. Then she told me I have to come back tomorrow for more blood work and "we will see how your holiday is going to go!"  This might put a damper on my day after Thanksgiving power shopping! She also said if I get a fever over 100 to go to the emergency room. They want to get m...

I have been having been feeling really lousy since my 3rd chemo treatment. I could not keep anything down for a few days and I feel like I have the flu. My chest is really congested and I have asthma so I have to be careful that it doesn’t get out of control. I went to the doctor today for my normal 3 week checkup. I ended up being there for 3 hours. The doctor listened to my chest and told me I had to start antibiotics through an I.V. This is the first time they accessed my port without any numbing cream and I about hit the ceiling! I am sitting here with tubes hanging out of my port as I type this. They left the I.V. line in because I have to go back tomorrow for another bag of antibiotics. Every time I look down at the tubes hanging off my port I get the creeps. I had a chest x-ray on the way home from the doctor‘s so I guess we will see what is going on tomorrow. Hopefully it’s not pneumonia. The nurse gave me a shot of steroids for the asthma too. My white count is really low...

This 3rd chemo has really kicked my butt.  I am just not snapping out of it. I am so tired and nauseated. I am really starting to hate this.  I went to the doctor and my red cell count is low and I am anemic. I had to get a shot and I will get it once a week until my count comes up.  I really can't wait until March when this is over. It seems like it will be forever before it gets here.  I am really trying not to get down about this but I am really sick of feeling like this.  I'm hungry and have no appetite. I force myself to eat then I'm sick. UGGG! I also have been having really bad leg cramps. The kind that you wake up with and your toes flare out!  My calves feel like I ran 20 miles. I feel so bad because I have not been calling my friends. I have just been so down and feeling icky.  I hope everyone understands. OK enough whining. I stayed at my sisters for 2 days and then came home to find out my dog was sick while I was gone....

P.J. party at Pam’s house. I couldn’t wait to get to Pam’s for the p.j, party with mom, and Sue. I was packed and ready to go for 2 days. Pam picked me up on her way home from work. I wasn’t feeling very good. I was feeling really nauseated since morning. I took an anti nausea pill and started feeling better, so we ordered food. Two steak subs, a greek salad, nachos supreme, and chicken wings. By the time we all filled our plates, it looked like army ants had walked over the spread. I ate so much! Then I fell asleep. I brought over stuff to do pedicures. I even brought everyone a tourbon to wear! I think they slipped me a sleeping pill so they didn’t have to wear them because after we ate I fell asleep and didn’t wake up for 14 hours!!! I guess I really needed the rest. At home I putz around and try to do too much. Here I lay on the couch like a queen waiting for someone to fan me with a banana leaf. Pam said she would if she had one! Hee hee.   Pam’s making a roast, potatoes, sa...

Happy Birthday to my beautiful sister Sharon November 07, 1953 - May 11, 1994 We miss you more everyday. I never needed you like I do now. I know you are with dad and that gives me so much peace. Here is something that Sharon wrote.                                                                                                I Am With You                                  ...

Another Chemo down and I feel like total crap. I came home and slept for 5 hours and have been whiney since I woke up. I just hate being down and out like this. I hate that I am drinking so much water I could float away, I hate that I have to pee every 2 minutes, and I hate that my head keeps getting really sweaty and then cold. And I hate that the acid reflux is soon to come and will not leave for at least a week. I will quit whining now . This chemo went good but I was there 4 hours. My mom took me and I didn’t sleep as much as I usually do. I had to get up and drag my I.V. to the bathroom 4 times! I just remembered something funny from the last chemo, my sister Sue and my mom were there and I fell asleep, I woke up at one point and made a statement to them saying….”You can’t go camping if you don’t know how to spell it, it is spelled with a K not a C!” Then I fell back asleep. They are still laughing at me about that one. I guess I can’t spell in my sleep. Another time I woke up a...

My mom is finally home! I went picked her up today. She is feeling really good. And I have great news! Her thyroid biopsy was benign!!! We are so relieved. She has to follow up with the cardiologist in 2 weeks but they seem to think that her heart rate was dropping due to the surgery because all of her tests came back good. I took her to get her prescription and she was so happy because it only costs $4.00! She has to be on it forever so she was worried it was going to cost a fortune. Sam’s Club has a deal with certain prescription drugs and they are all $4.00! So if your paying a lot somewhere else go check out the list and see if your drugs on there. I asked the guy if there were any chemo drugs and he laughed and said are you kidding me! lol I did see the lidocane that I use on my port to numb it before chemo, and I pay a higher copay with insurance so I may be going there soon. As for me I am having a really good day. I feel great. I have chemo on Monday, so just like last ti...

Having a long weekend. My moms still in the hospital, she is doing great with the surgery, but her heart rate slowed down. She saw a cardiologist this morning and they are running some tests on her to see what’s going on. We are still waiting for the pathogy report on her thyroid. The doctor said it looked good but that is the same thing they told my family when I had my lumps removed so I am waiting until I hear the final report before I celebrate! I spent all day Friday and Saturday with her. She kept telling me to go home and take a nap but I just wanted to be there with her. I finally asked her if she would leave me and she said no, and I said see mom I'm staying! I laid in a chair next to her bed and had a pillow and blanket and she said they are going to come in her and not know who the patient is....hee hee....I am on my way up there now and her only request is a bottle of Diet Vernors. I’m sure I'll find some other goodies to take her. She might come home today if all t...

I have something I want to share with everyone. Some of you know my sister Sharon died from breast cancer. What you don't know is that she was a great writer. I have read her thoughts before but now they have a whole new meaning to me. When I would read them I would always think about what she must have been going through at the time, and now I know. She was an inspiration to me and to everyone around her. Here is something that I came across that I can relate to in certain ways. I know I have some friends out there that have had mastectomies that will find this a great inspiration. It is called Self Love. Today I will make friends with the area of my body that has been through surgery. I will look at myself in the mirror and not think of myself as disfigured just because I look different. I will focus on the fact that once, where there used to be a mound of flesh, there is now a flatter more hollow surface that, when touched, puts me that much closer to my heart and soul.  I wi...

I  went to work today. The kids were all staring and asking questions about my new look. The boys thought I shaved my head just because I wanted a new hairdoo and the girls all gave me hugs and just kind of knew what was going on without too many questions.  I had a little anxiety walking into the lunch room for the first time with my hat on, but it turned out ok. I feel like I have to explain why I am not wearing a wig. I just don't feel comfortable in it. I feel like I am playing dress up. I will wear it now and then but for everyday I'm liking the hat and scarf. I had my lab work done today and my counts are a little low so starting Wednesday I have to give myself a shot until Sunday. My mom is going to do it for me. She has to have surgery on Friday so the nurse showed me how to do it myself and I think I can do it! My mom is having her thyroid removed Friday morning. She is kind of nervous about it. They will have to check it for cancer and it is really worrying us. I tol...

I had my second chemo on Monday and so far so good. Aside from a little fatigue and stomach stuff going on I'm doing ok. I may have overdone it yesterday though. I went to the Look Good Feel Better class that the American Cancer Society offers. It was wonderful! I have been volunteering with the Realy for Life for 4 years and I actually got to see what some of our money has been going for. My mom and Sue went with me. Then of course the lady that was running it had to go and do the tupperware introduce yourself game. I was the last one and when I opened my mouth I said my name and why I was there and how my family is here and how much they support me and I have 2 kids and then I started crying.....oh god! Then my mom and Sue were crying. I got over it once I opened the bag and saw all the goodies though. They gave me a big bag just filled with makeup, and I am talking good makeup! The kind I walk past in the department store and dream about! They showed how to put on your eyebrows ...

O.K. It's official, I'm a baldy!  My head was itchy and sore and I had so much coming out that I decided I had enough.  My mom and sisters came over and we put it into about 8 ponytails. Jeff cut them off so I can donate it to the wig shop where I got my wig. They make wigs for little kids so I decided that would be a good idea. Then Jeff shaved my head while my family all watched and cried with me.  All I could think was why wasn't I like one of those strong women who shave their heads to feel in control.  I know it was hard for Jeff to do, but he really wanted to be the one to do it.  Once it was done I was glad. It felt so good.  And don't worry, it wasn't all sad, we had fun too. When he was almost done I broke into a Sinead O'Conner song...Nothing Compares To You!  I washed my head in the sink and I think everyone had fun taking turns lathering up my bald head.  Sue rubbed some skin relief cream on my head and I was loving it. Jeff ...

Well I went to the doctor and my blood count is low. They warned me it would happen. I have a throat infection, possibly strep throat. I have to go in every day and get a shot. It will help my white cells. The nurse gave me the shot in the arm yesterday, and I it hurt so bad! It is like getting stung by a wasp only worse! You can't rub it afterward for some reason and that's all I wanted to do to take the sting away. I felt it all the way to the car. I went in today and was dreading it. I asked the nurse if the stomach would be better and she said we could try it. It freaked me out but what could be worse than yesterday in the arm! I have to say I didn't really feel it in the stomach. I felt a little burn afterward and now I have a bruise, but I will take the stomach over the arm any day. My hair is really shedding. Yesterday I wore a ponytail and hat just to keep it from shedding all over the house. I'm just not ready to shave it off yet. We were driving down the str...

Halloween, what can I say. Sharon loved halloween and she would have parties and even had a haunted hayride in her backyard for the kids.  This weekend was spent at the little league haunted house. Sue and Pam worked really hard this year to get it ready and they did a great job. My entire family volunteers.  We have so much fun.  We all have our spots in the house and love to scare people! My mom even comes and works.   Friday I felt really good other than having a headache, so I went up there with my husband. I had a hot chocolate at about 10:00 and by 10:15 I knew it was a wrong move.  There I was in my scary hiding spot in the house feeling sick, with a barf bag in my lap, waiting for the next victims to come by to scare. I went out to the van when we had a break and told Jeff, I have to get home NOW!! I made it home just in time. Let's just say, no more hot chocolate for me.  I had a good weekend. I had a headache on Saturday, but today I felt fan...

Oh no, I think it is starting to happen. My head is feeling wierd. Like zingy feeling. Am I ready for this? I can't imagine myself with no hair. Little spots on my head are feeling itchy and tingly.  This is what has depressed me the most, but now I wish it would just happen. I have been feeling really good. I've been going to work and I have great friends there. They are so concerned for me. Today my friend gave me a pretty Breast Cancer Ribbon Pin made of pink rinstones.  It's beautiful. I pinned it on my sweater as soon as she gave it to me. I have wore these before, but this time it was just a different feeling to put this pin on and know that it was meant for me. I am learning to accept the fact that I have Breast Cancer. I know I have it, I am living it, but sometimes it just seems like a bad dream. I guess in a few days when my hair is gone, It will become a HUGE reality.

Thursday when I was feeling good we went out on my second wig shopping trip and had a good time. I did find a wig. It wasn’t the one I originally picked out but it is really nice. We also went to The Josephine Ford Cancer Center because my friend at the American Cancer Society recommended it. They had a room we could go in and pick out whatever I wanted. I picked out 6 little knit caps and 2 blonde bombshell wigs just for Jeff. Hee hee. Friday I went to work and it felt good to get out of the house and go someplace other than the doctor. The kids are starting to ask questions and I am just being honest with them. They will find out sooner or later when I show up with a scarf on my head. A teacher at school made me 3 beautiful scarves! She had her own battle with cancer last year and she couldn’t find anything to fit her head right. She made her own so she wanted to make sure I had some too. I thought that was so nice. What a thoughtful thing to do! Her hair is growing back now and it ...

Oh lord, picking out a wig. A WIG!!!  ahhh when I walked in there was a little old lady in the wig chair who was there because she WANTED a wig. Me and my mom and sister walked in and started looking around until the lady was ready for me. Then she turned around and said ok who are we here for.....I could barely choke out the words.....I said. "meeeeee."   I almost lost it, but I bounced back and composed myself. Seriously, there is not much to choose from. The first one I tried on I looked just like my sister Sharon who passed away from breast cancer 12 years ago. Kinda freaked us out. There I was in the mirror with my sister staring back at me. My poor mom had a hard time I think. She was kind of quiet the rest of the trip. I tried on short wigs,  long wigs, scary wigs and finally found one I can live with.  It is shoulder length and flippy and cute. The only thing the one they had was plum color and I looked like a gothic chick. So I had to find a colo...

  Here is a picture of my daughter Megan and Me. Ok so I had my first Chemo. I woke up and took my anti nausea pill, slathered the numbing cream on my port-a cath and covered it in saran wrap like I was told to. My mom came over to take me for my appointment, when she got there I was putzing around the house until she finally said, "ok missy, quit stalling, lets go".  She was right, I was stalling. It's not that I was nervous I had found a calm the night before. I sat at the end of my bed and thought, ok this is it, I have to be strong and just do this. So off we went to chemo, by the time we got there I was clutching my Worry Stone. My daughter Megan wanted to go with me. I didn't  know if it was a good idea. She said, “mom I really want to be there with you,” so I let her come. When we got there, she sat on the floor with her head on my leg. Up to this point Megan has not shown too much emotion to me except for when she first heard the news and ran into the bas...

So tomorrow is my first chemo. I slept really good last night and got up early today and started cleaning. So far I have done laundry, cleaned the upstairs carpet, made 2 homemade chicken pot pies in case I'm not feeling good enough to feed my family tomorrow, cleaned the bathroom, and was referee for a bicker fight between Jeff and Megan. It helps to keep busy but there it is in the back of my mind....chemo...chemo...chemo..what an ugly word. I am going on information overload right now. I have read everything I could get my hands on to prepare for this. I have so much stuff running through my mind. Drink plenty of water, get biotene mouth wash for mouth sores, make sure I take my pill before I go for chemo. I have to make sure I drink lots of water, I'm not much of a water drinker, so I made some green iced tea. It is really good, although now I am peeing a wierd light green. I have already peed blue. That was when I had my sentinal node biopsy. They give you blue dye ...

I couldn't sleep tonight. I have too much stuff running through my mind. Just stupid stuff like, I have to clean the carpet, I have to get stamps tomorrow, I have to bring in my plants, I have to get the furnace cleaned, the dog needs a haircut. Then I started thinking about my friends and family and how great everyone has been since I was diagnosed. I always knew I had great friends and relatives. I have received so many cards, phone calls, and e-mails from people who are concerned about me, some of whom I have not talked to in a long time. I love that I can hear from someone who I haven't talked to for a while and we can pick up right where we left off.  Our lives are so busy but when it comes down to it your friends and family are always there for you when you need them.  I was at work yesterday and a boy who happens to be in a wheelchair said to me, "you look so pretty today, I wish I had a camera so I could take a picture of you." I thought that was ...

Ok so yesterday I had a poor me day. I cried most of the day. I cried on the phone to my mom, my sister, on the way home from work and on the way to meet my family for lunch. I am starting to realize that I am going to lose my hair. Anyone who knows me knows I have A LOT of hair! I have very thick long hair that I wrestle with every time I wash it. It takes about 40 minutes to blow dry. I have to do it in sections, clip some up blow dry that, let another section down and blow dry that. Then from there I use a straightener. Same routine. I have bitched and complained about this for years, however, last night as I was going through my ritual I was standing there staring at this poofy mess and I just couldn't take it. I lost it, right there in front of my kids. They both came into the bathroom to comfort me as I complained how awful I am going to look without hair. They both told me I would look cute. Ha cute. I don't think so. Oh, another thing...I have never noticed so man...

On the way home from breakfast yesterday I mentioned to Jeff that there was only one more week until chemo, and how scared I was. He said, "that's only one week away until you start getting better!" Of course I wasn't looking at it that way. I feel good. I don't feel like I have to get better. Sure I have been feeling lousy from the pain medication from the surgery but all in all I feel pretty good! I am just not looking forward to feeling lousy from chemo. Jeff also said, "I can take you losing your hair, I can take you without a breast, (which thank god I didn't have to lose), I just can't take losing you, so you have to get better." He's so sweet. Today he came out of the  bathroom with a scarf on his head and said, look I'll wear one too, ears in or ears out! He is such a goofball. Earlier in the week I had modeled a scarf for him and gave him a sneak preview and asked him....ears in or out, and he told me how pretty I looked with a s...

On the Monday following my surgery I decided to call the office for my results. They said they were not in yet and the doctor would call me later if they came in. Jeff came home from work and we went to the store. When we came back in, we listened to our messages and there was one from my doctor, he wanted me in his office at 10:00 the next morning to talk about the biopsy results. This is where I lost it. I told Jeff that there was no way this was going to be good news. I called my sisters and they came right over. We listened to the message and analyzed the Doctor's words and tone trying to figure out if it was good or bad, in a way I already knew what it was, but was being hopeful. August 22, 2006 My mom and sisters came with me to the Doctors. Jeff wanted to and I told him to go to work. I know it sounds mean but I knew he would be devastated to hear the news from the doctor and I told him it might not even be bad news! Dr. Turfah came into the room where me and my entourage ...

I always feared this would happen to me because of my sister Sharon. She died from breast cancer. I've always had my mammograms since she was diagnosed because of the risk factor and family history, I just really never thought it would happen to me. This is how it all came to be. I starting having pains under my left breast, so one night while I was laying in bed watching television, I started feeling around and found 2 little lumps, and 1 larger one. I always checked so these came up pretty quick. I went and told my husband and he could feel them too and his response was, "make an appointment" that is always his response to all my little health concerns I throw at him, but this time he meant it. He was scared. I was due for my mammogram and pap test so I called the Doctor the next day. I went in for my exam and she checked the lumps and told me to go for my mammogram as soon as possible. It was in the same building so I went right away and made the appointment. By the t...